90 year old Lionel from Hendon dies and his family begin to make arrangements for his levoyah. But they quickly discover that Lionel’s regular rabbi is in Israel and won’t be back in time for his funeral. Fortunately, they manage to obtain the services of Rabbi Levy from nearby Golders Green who agrees to officiate.
At the funeral, after chanting the kaddish and the prayer, el molay rachamim, Rabbi Levy begins his eulogy. “We are all here today to mourn the passing of Lionel Silver, a dear father and friend, and a respected citizen.”
But before he can continue, a voice from the back shouts out, “What utter nonsense, rabbi. What are you talking about? This man was a gonif and a momzer. He would cheat his own grandmother out of ten pence.”
Rabbi Levy quickly decides to take another approach, “We are all here today to mourn the passing of Lionel Silver, a patron of the Hendon Synagogue and a dedicated biblical scholar.”
Another voice from the back shouts out, “Are you meshugga, rabbi? This man hadn’t been inside a shul since his barmitzvah!”
For the third time, Rabbi Silver restarts his eulogy, “We are all here today to mourn the passing of Lionel Silver, a loving and dedicated husband and father.”
Then another voice is heard from the back. “Rabbi, you obviously didn’t know Lionel as I did. Getray he wasn’t. He cheated on his loyal and lovely wife Sarah whenever he could and he never had any time to spend with his lovely children.”
At this point, Rabbi Levy looks up from his notes and, from his heart, says, “Have not most of us as Jews suffered from the insults and prejudices of our neighbours? Why must we stoop to their level and speak ill of our own kind? I’m sure there must be someone here today who knew Lionel well and is prepared to say something nice about him.”
After a long period of silence, another voice from the back shouts out, “Lionel’s brother was worse than he was!” levoyah: funeral
kaddish: mourner’s prayer
el molay rachamim: A funeral prayer that begins with, “God, who is full of compassion “..
gonif: thief
momzer: bastard
karger: cheapskate
shtik dreck: an odious person
meshugga: crazy
shul: synagogue
getray: devoted, faithful
Credit: David Minkoff, A Word In Your Eye