——————————————————- Qualifiers: A&B Means A and B A/B Means ranging from A to B ——————————————————- =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Shabbat Observance
S— I stone people walking to shul on Shabbat S– Of course. Every Sunday! S- Not at all, or, “Shabbat – What’s that?” S Reform S+ Conservative, will drive to shul S++ Traditional, Orthodox S+++ I stone cars on Shabbat
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Shabbat Candles
SC- I don’t use matches. Only you can prevent forest fires.
SC Been there, done that.
SC+ Every Shabbat.
SC:( I blow them out afterwards so that they last longer.
SC++ I have been arrested for arson.
SC+++ I have been convicted for arson.
Add a ‘W’ for “My wife does that”
Example: SCW+, SCW …
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Mishpacha (Family)
Fa– Intermarried – I sure do love Xmas! Fa- Intermarried – but the children will be raised Jewish Fa.n/a Not applicable. I’m homosexual. Fa.gm I’m gay AND I’m married. Fa1 Not married – Single Fa+ I married a Jew. Fa++ I married more than two wives at once. Only applicable for Yemenite Jews. Sorry 🙂
,c=# Where # represents the number of children you have. Default = 0.
Examples: Fa1 Fa+ Fa+,c=1 Fa++,c=5
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Tohorot Mishpacha (Family Purity)
TM– I married a non-Jew, so this doesn’t apply. TM- I’m a pagan 🙂 TM I’m mostly following the rules TM+ Traditional Orthodox TM++ My wife and I have separate houses
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= N’giah (Laws regarding touching a member of the opposite sex )
Ng— I touch a member of the opposite sex as much as possible Ng– I try to observe it as much as possible, but I’m in the same cell as the arsonist. (see the Shabbat candles category). Ng- I am Shomer N’giah, but not by choice. Ng Liberal N’giah — only touch a consenting partner Ng+ Conservative N’giah — only touch a consenting partner I love and plan to marry. Ng++ Orthodox N’giah — Only touch my wife Ng+++ I plan to have children by artificial inseminantion.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Moshiach
M– He’s already come. Haven’t you heard the Good Word?
M- Don’t believe in it.
M Could be
M+ Ani ma’ammim (I believe with perfect faith)
M++ We want Moshiach now!
M+++ Shabbatai Tzvi is Moshiach.
M++++ I am Moshiach.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Kashrut
K– I only eat at McDonald’s. Also: What’s kashrut? K- Jewish in identity, not in practice. Likely to eat ham and cheese, but will say a bracha afterwards K Very liberal kosher. Won’t eat any Torah forbidden species, won’t mix milk and meat. Will eat eat meat of a permitted animal, even it not properly slaughtered. K+ Conservative. Kashrut fully observed. Two sets of dishes, etc. Add appropriate strictures as necessary. If no codes are added, lenient options are default for K+ K++ Orthodox kashrut. Same as Conservative, but unless codes are added, the stricter options are assumed for K++ K+++ Meshugge kosher.
ch+ Will only eat Kosher cheese.
ch Will eat cheese without a hechsher.
me+ Will only eat Glatt meat.
me Glatt not necessary.
mi+ Will only drink Chalav Yisrael milk.
mi Will drink regular FDA approved milk.
ge+ Won’t eat gelatin, diglycerides, etc. unless with an Orthodox hechsher.
ge Will eat gelatin, diglycerides, etc.
Considered pareve.
wi+ Will only drink kosher wine.
wi Will drink without a hechsher.
Examples: K+ K++ K++,mi k+,ch+
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Ivrit (Hebrew)
H- Is ‘Jewish’ a language?
H I went to Hebrew school. Shalom!
H+ I even took it in college.
H++ I’m not made fun of too badly by Israelis.
H+++ Ani midaberet Ivrit tov Me’od, nu?
Substitute Yid for H to denote Yiddish familiarity. Substitue Lad for H to denote Ladino familiarity.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Talmud
T— I burn them whenever I get the chance. (Note: This category is especially useful for apostates like Torquemada.) T– I’m a Karaite T- Is that like Torah? T Studied in Hebrew school / Hebrew High School T+ Studied in college or yeshiva; Competent to argue. T++ Talmud Chochem T+++ Adin Steinsaltz’s chevruta.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Tribe t Israel t+ Levi t++ Cohen t+++ Next in line to be the Cohen Gadol t? Not sure (be real – this is most of us!)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Attendance at Shul.
AT– Religion is for dweebs! AT- Only for other people’s weddings and bar/bat mitzvahs. AT Regularly! (Well, every Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, and I also had a Bar/Bat Mitzvah! AT+ High holidays, Shalosh Regalim (Three festivals), and occasional shabbats. AT++ I go on Shabbat. AT+++ And I lay Tefillin on weekdays AT++++ The Rabbi wants to institute a restraining order to keep me away!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= What type of shul do I got to?
SY– Jesus loves me, yes he does… SY- Allah’hu Akbar! -SY I don’t go to shul SYrc Reconstructionist SY Reform SY+ Conservative (whatever that means) SY+= Conservative egalitarian SYCh Chavura SY++ UTJ/Traditional/Right wing Conservative SY+++ Orthodox SY+++M Modern Orthodox, Centrist SY+++Y Yeshish, Litvak, Right wing, Agudat Yisroel SY+++C Chassidic
You can add the appropriate Nusach code shown in the next section. If you go to a shul that is different that your background, then just add a comma after the shul type, and then add the background code. If you don’t put a code after the shul type, the default is Ashkenazi.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Nusach (What type of Jew am I? )
A Ashkenazi Az Nusach HaAri (This is a Ashkenazi Chassidic nusach, which is really a Sephardi nusach as modifed by Rav Shneur Zalman.) S Sephardic (North African, Middle East) SE Sephardic (European) SY Sephardic (Yementite) SI B’nai Yisrael (India) ET Beta Yisrael (Ethiopian)
Examples: SY+ SY+/A SY+/A,SE SY+,SE
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Tefillin (Phylacteries)
Te- What’s that? Is it good to eat?
Te I don’t wear animal products, dude.
Te+ Sure, sometimes. Irregularly.
Te++ Every day, or almost every day. I’m a mensch! 🙂
Te+++ The doctors say if I don’t taken them off soon, they’ll have to amputate.
Te.n/a Not applicable, I’m a woman.
Te!a Of COURSE Teffilin is applicable for women! Rashi’s daughters wore them! (Add appropriate + or – )
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Pesach (Passover)
P— Happy Easter! P– Mohammed says to celebrate Moses’s birthday ! P- I refrain from bacon double cheeseburgers on Pesach. No bread at all! My parents are sooo proud! P Yeah, I think I follow most of the rules. Mostly. PC Everything except for the part about “Pour out thy wrath” P+ Even the pet eats tuna and matzah-brei for a week P++ I start cleaning right after Hanukkah ! P+++ Blowtorch the kitchen, buy new dishes every Spring P++++ Blowtorch the house, move every Spring (This ties in with that arson category of Shabbos candles).
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Festival Observance:
FO— Christmas Tree and Easter Eggs FO– Chanukka Bush and Passover Candy Basket FO- Secular home FO Somewhat Traditional – add the following qualifiers as you find appropriate:
s Go to a seder m Light the menorah. p Make noise and drink on Purim. t Dance on Simchat Torah su Eat in a Sukka on Sukkot. sL Can LEAD a Seder 🙂 co Count the Omer hh Go to High Holiday services.
FO+ Full Observance – Reform FO++ Full Observance – Conservative and Traditional (Non-egalitarian) FO++= Same as above, but egalitarian. FO+++ Strict Orthodox observance FO+++:( Celebrate all festivals but Israel Independence Day, since Moshiach is not yet here.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Davening (praying) ability
D– I daven Gospel. D- What’s davening? D I know when to stand, sit and bow. D+ I also know the Sh’ma and Kaddish by heart, and can somehow make it through most of the rest. D++ I can lead services D+++ I can also read Torah, Haftarah and Megillot D++++ and they’ll invite me back a second time
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Tzedakah (Charity)
Tz- I’m a professional shnorrer. Got a dollar? Tz I give a few bucks – but not if it hurts! 🙁 Tz+ I actually notice when I give. Tz++ Repeat donor to UJA, JNF, UW, or SPCA, anything but the PLO. Tz+++ Give till it hurts. A mensch. 🙂 Tz++++ I’m a Rothschild
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Egalitarianism Factor
E– Don’t touch that with your bare hands, it’s a female! E- uh…if a man heard a woman’s voice, he’d be so overcome with lustful thoughts he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on his prayers… E OK, OK, LET them wear tefillin and have women’s prayer groups, just keep them behind the mechitza! But they don’t count in a minyan. E+ Women (who REALLY have taken on the obligations of tefila Tallit and Tefillin) can read Torah and count in minyans. E++ Any women (even without taking on the obligations) can count in a minyan. E+++ I only like women rabbis/ I AM a woman Rabbi / I married a woman Rabbi. E++++ I’m an ultraliberal lesbian Reconstructionist Rabbi.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Lashon Hora (Evil speech)
L—– I am Ricki Lake; Lashon Hora is my job. L—- I am a talk show host. L— I have appeared on a talk show and acted like a true weenie in front of millions of people. L– I write for check-out counter tabloids. L- I never speak Lashon Hora, but I’ll tell you someone who does! L If you don’t have something nice to say, than don’t say it. L+ I can recite parts of Rabbi Pliskin’s “Guard Your tounge”. A true mensch. L++ The Chofetz Chaim is my inspiration. I have his books, his commentaries, and the new interactive CD-ROM. L+++ I even refrained from criticising Intel’s Pentium debacle. A tzaddik. (Note: People who choose this last option are high on morals, but possibly low on modesty)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Modest Attire/Tzinout
(for women)
Aw— I love my bikini, I wear it everywhere. Aw– …except in Syngaogue. Aw- I don’t wear mini skirts if they are “Shatnez” Aw Conventional American dress. Aw+ Modest Orthodox apparel. I wear long sleeves, only dresses (no pants) and my hair is covered in public. Aw++ Real Haredi or Chassidc style dress. Aw+++ Even my husband doesn’t know what I look like.
(for men)
Am— I love my thong. I wear it everywhere. Am– …except in Synagogue. Am- Sure I wear leather and studs sometimes – after all, its not Shatnez! Am Conventional American dress. Am+ Hat (usually black) and dark suit. Am++ Real Haredi or Chassidic style dress. Am+++ I dress like a Cohen Gadol. You know, just like that Vulcan High Priestess in the beginning of Star Trek: The Motion Picture. (Really! Leonard Nimoy had that based on the dress of a Cohen Gadol. B’emet!)