You know how cursing according to the torah was a big deal, but it was always kind of backhanded?
Well I always wondered how curses today would sound if we made them ancient sounding but, used modern day terminology. Some of these may sound like blessings if you take a more Chassidic approach, because everything is a blessing in disguise.
May your bais yaakov graduates be the last ones to marry in their class
May you never find a spot on Coney Island Ave
You shall be smitten with flaky challah that no knife can cut
Cleave to the rebetzin or she shall cast you off to the Upper West Side
May you continue to struggle with high tuition bills and burnt cholent
May your daughters go off the derech and get degrees
May your matzo balls fall apart in your watery chicken soup
You sons will be amaratzim and your daughters will be educated
Your wife will grow a tail and wear shabbos robes during the week
You shall be smitten with meatless cholent and healthy food
The Lord shall smite you if you do not show your cleavage to him
May your children fall in love with Uncle Moishy tapes
Your beard will stay brown and you will always need Artscroll
“Cleave to the rebetzin” XD my favorite.
Hahah great post, one of the funniest ones in a while!
“May you never find a spot on Coney Island Ave” – uh oh, I think this one is already in effect
And if ye shall remain stiff-necked, and still not hearken unto me, I shall smite ye with seminary tuition, love handles, flotillas and bad Chinese takeout. And if yes shall STILL not hearken to My Word, I shall smite ye with marrying off your daughter while the other one is in sem, matjes herring spilling on your suit, worms in your fish, and a Governor asher lo yoda bein yemino lismolo. And if…
May your I-phone start growing, growing, GROWING until you can’t carry it any longer.
I loved the son’s amatatzim and daughters educated one! Definitely the ultimate curse.
where did the cleavage line come from??