“She’s a wonderful girl, excellent middot,” said my shadchan. “She has a job, comes from a respectable family, and shares your Russian-speaking background.” I’ve heard this line before, so I was already prepared for the downside, the big “but” that comes after the positives are listed. “She is divorced, but don’t worry, she has no children. It was a brief marriage to a terrible guy. Are you still interested?”
To my shadchan’s surprise, I agreed. Enthusiastically.
My friends were a bit worried, and my folks were also skeptical, but not me. Having reached the proper age for marriage, I dated a few “virgins” but they did not possess the maturity of a divorcee. While virgins either rush into marriage, or delay it until Prince Charming comes along, divorcees are much more practical. Having already tasted the fruit of marriage, the divorcee asked me about my career, family goals, and long-term goals.
Having already experienced marriage, my date knows exactly what she is comfortable with and what red flags to look for, to prevent another divorce from happening. She is much more serious than any virgin I’ve dated. As an added bonus, I know that if I marry her, the wedding will be easy on my pocketbook. As a rule in my community, when a person remarries, the second wedding is much smaller and humble. So instead of packing the wedding hall with relatives I barely know, and neighborhood machers I’ve never heard of, this wedding will be mostly close friends and parents.
Our date was going well, but even for an open-minded man, the subject of her divorce loomed in my mind like a giant elephant staring down at our dinner table, ready to sound the trunk. Was hers a peaceful divorce or a bitter lawsuit? What was wrong with her ex-husband? Or perhaps there was something wrong with her? Perhaps it is her health. Perhaps she sought money. Perhaps she was pressured by her folks to divorce him. Or perhaps he was pressured. Perhaps my friends were correct, that dating divorcees carries too many risks.
But having dated a convert, why not keep an open mind towards divorcees? A Jew is a Jew, and we all possess the potential to create a bais neeman Yisrael, no matter what our personal backgrounds may be, even if those backgrounds include horrible personal experiences. A divorce is almost as horrible as a death. It is the permanent loss of someone intimate in your life, and rebuilding that life from scratch on your own.
It is about determination. Specifically, the determination that this time around, her second marriage will be a success, keeping in mind the mistakes of the first one. And so, I will see her again. Because she deserves happiness in her life, and I deserve an experienced woman to show me how it’s done.
Great post! I had a very similar attitude to yours when I was dating. Got set up with the divorced girl, ended up at the chuppa. No complaints here.
I dated a girl who I thought was divorced. That could have gotten so bad, so quick.
And I dated a girl who was divorced. We’ve been married for close to twenty years now. Got no reason to complain.
That’s way too mature for me. Stop right now. You’re making me feel bad.
Don’t feel bad. Immaturity comes with age.
I wouldn’t rule out dating a divorcee. Then again I’m a bit open minded about these things and wouldn’t judge someone just because they’re a divorcee or BT or anything else, I’d want to know who she was as a person.
I for one, will not date a divorcee.
My wife would *kill* me.
LOL! ;^D
There are many reasons why people divorce. Considering my niece met her chasan and married in 8 weeks, incompatibility can be a major one. There’s no shame in admitting it.
Because of the tremendous pressure in the community to get and stay married, there are a lot of unhappy marriages out there. Because of the times we live, couples are less likely to stay together if there are no children.
A rabbi once said, “In the old country, there weren’t enough divorces. In America, there are too many divorces.”
Well, I don’t mind buying a used car, but that is because it is cheaper.
Are divorcees cheaper?
I presume the wedding would be cheaper. Guys usually don’t need fancy weddings, virgin girls do.
Do they need a new sheitel, or is the old one good enough?
Why does everyone keep saying “virgin” and freely interchanging it for “never married”? I mean, I’m sure there are some, but plenty of FFB never married girls ARENT virgins. Everyone just assumes they are.
For the record, I am never married and would be more than happy with a small wedding.
there are some?
Do you thing the virgins are a minority?
(And then they get indignant when we assume BTs aren’t virgins)
Why would you EVER make any assumptions about ANYONE’s sexual activity???
In this world, there are no virgins; everyone who’s born is f*cked.
Haha, good one
May you find your Basheret soon!
(and don’t forget, with a divorcee, no dam niddah issues which has got to be one of the worst and nonsensical halacha they ever came up with). i’m still somewhat mad about it!
Didn’t used to be that way, but it’s how we pasken now. Sorry, but we’re stuck with it.
i know. only makes it harder to accept…
On the other hand, a divorcee is probably too smart to fall for me!
as a “virgin girl” i prefer divorced guys. so i guess the divorced singles, male and female now have a preferred status. and some worry about the stigma! if they only knew…
i love your website heshy. but i definitely know people that don’t. you are very opinionated about everything. i personally think its funny but don’t you think that this website might interfere or ruin your shidduchim? has that been a concern of yours or do you think that your future wife should just accept it?
Well, it will make it easier for him to narrow his choices.
It’s nice when your spouse shares your sense of humor.
Well written and insightful post IMHO. 🙂
i love your website heshy. but i definitely know people that don’t. you are very opinionated about everything. i personally think its funny but don’t you think that this website might interfere or ruin your shidduchim? has that been a concern of yours or do you think that your future wife should just accept it?
No objections to continuing the relationship but make sure there IS a get and its valid.
im thinking about getting divorced… married a nice guy … i was 21 … i wasn’t attracted to him… so now should i settle for the rest of my life? ( and we have a child!) life is so complicated! Lesson : date lots of people ( get to know whats out there) , if you have doubts : don’t settle at a young age, learn to say no to people!, and pray really hard!
“Marry in haste. Repent at leisure.” –Benjamin Franklin
i hear.. it’s just so hard to know… i mean this is our culture since we were babes… so what’s faulty? … the culture… the individual… a little bit of both….? is it meant to be?…. was it the individuals faulty choice… ? Questions…. Questions!