By Charles Zucker
Anyone who believes less than me is a heathen. Anyone who believes more than me is a nut.
I’m a patchwork Jew. I’m a collection of memes and tropes and minhagim. I’ve clearly gotten more religious over time and have taken on things I never would have thought – tearing toilet paper before Shabbos? But I still identify as a moderate. I’m amazed by the breathless tales of the uber-observant. To let you know how Seriously they take their mitzot: “so then I realized I wasn’t going to make it home by Shabbos so I pulled off the highway and parked in the worst neighborhood in the world, stashed my keys under a crack hooker, and then started the 45 mile walk home while gangs are shooting at me. Uphill. In the snow” or “… and I opened the refrigerator and the light popped on. I was stuck. There wasn’t a [non-Jewish person] around. Everything melted, there was a river running through the kitchen…”
Anyone who believes less than me is a heathen. Anyone who believes more than me is a nut. I don’t know what I’ll hold by next year, but this is a sampling of my current Nut List:
· Going by your Hebrew first name when you have a perfectly good slave name.
· No longer acknowledging any English birthdays or anniversaries or New Year’s Eve.
· Loudly interrupting any conversation to make the bracha on your pear.
· Chalav yisroel
· Whatever your problem is with Coffee Bean.
· Wearing a tallis as garment like it was the most natural thing in the world.
· Waiting 5 hours and 1 minute.
· Using “nifter” in every day conversation.
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Sounds like you are describing me! BH
I myse4lf put on my shoes the right way and sometimes jolt awake when I forgot to daven maariv.
…but do you actually get out of bed and daven maariv?
…and if you do, do you daven in your underwear / pajamas / birthday suit, or do you put on your trousers and a t shirt?
Isn’t it great that you can indiscriminately make fun of people because its the bloggosphere and no one (or hardly anyone) has any clue who any one else is so there no chance of repercussion??
(Heshy, I’ve been reading your blog for about a year now. Today was the first time I commented. I think I’ll stick to just reading for now and let people with agendas, grudges, feelings of entitlement and those who feel that G-D hasn’t handed them a silver platter to live their life off of……phew… (long sentence), write whatever idiot comments they want and I’ll just sit back and enjoy.
Thanks So Much. I think you really say it as it is (80% of the time).
To infinity and beyond,
ForReal
Thanks.
Can’t take the heat get out of the kitchen and go back to bowing to old men in beards.
I don’t think you negativity helps either. You should keep in mind, there are always trolls on online posts and especially where you are talking about religion and or politics.
Hey. I picked the name “For Real” first. Please stick with that long Hebrew sounding name from now on, as you are effectively “in my spot” and I don’t like it.
The ORIGINAL For Real
How rude.
[non-Jewish person] LOL.
I put a mezuzah on my car’s front door.
I can relate; I too consider myself a moderate. I wrap tefillin everyday, but my siddur is Mishkan T’filah, the official Reform siddur. I wear tzit-tzits, but only on Shabbos. I keep kosher but hold by all hesherim. I love the inclusivity of Reform but also the rigor of Orthodoxy. In truth, I am a frum wannabe. I admit it.
http://thepartialview.blogspot.com/2013/05/lebron-james-takes-lesson-from-internet.html
Walked 5 miles, not 45. Threw my keys in the trunk because I couldn’t find a crack hooker… and I knew I had a spare set at home. Keep but don’t preach chalav Yisrael. Chumras are personal choices, not obligatory. If the chumra doesn’t feel right, stop… I learned that from the grandson of Reb Yaacov Kaminetsky.
But I’ll add one, referring to only YOUR sect’s hasidic leader, dead or alive, in the present tense as “the Rebbe.” The only response to this is “WHICH REBBE?”