by Chaya Miriam Fried
Let’s face it: the cost of a wedding is obscene. Ours was out of town, super low-key AND made possible by the assistance of many very kind people, but just seeing the bills (even though they were marked ‘PAID’) were enough to make you choke on your cud. Mix into that the idea that you have to don a sheitl the next day (and I don’t care how short or plain you go, the cost is huge), move in together, furnish a home, etc. and it’s nearly enough to scare you off from marriage entirely. I know people (not frum) who have put off getting married for years just because they don’t want to skimp on the party. We can all agree that that’s a ridiculous practice, and that the only alternative is to fall on your financial sword and call your rich uncle…if you have one.
Oh, and don’t forget your sheva brachos, which at some point you may have to throw for yourselves. I won’t go on; it’ll just make me nervous again just talking about it. What should be a happy occasion turns into something you just can’t wait to be over and done with.
My old roomie is getting married, and I’ve started a fund for her. Without boring you with the details, it’s crucial for even the plainest wedding. You’d be surprised how uncool some gemachs suddenly get when you didn’t grow up in Town X, or aren’t moving to Town Y. Parents, friends, paychecks have all been tapped and outside help is the last resort.
I’m sure you get a lot of these, people asking for help, and maybe they’re people you know personally. I realize that your own community has enough problems and not enough money to go around there, either. Please step outside that and consider a young girl that’s run out of means and needs help. If you want more details, you’re more than welcome to e-mail your trusty editor and I can discuss it in more detail then.
http://www.gofundme.com/27x7jw?utm_campaign=Emails&utm_source=sendgrid.com&utm_medium=email
I thought the weddings were paid for by the contributions of the guests… I viewed it a bit like a concert or fundraising dinner, where everyone tried to give at least as much as their meals cost…???
This isn’t what weddings are about, but money received vs. money spent (not by us, donated of course) at our wedding = 10%
My inlaws are Bucharian, so they took half of our gifts to pay for their “contribution.” Mazel Tov
the guests gift does not have to cover the cost of their meal. they are invited because the host/hostess feels the emotional need to have said guest present at their event. (read the manners columns in all/any magazine/newspaper)
Will donors be able to weigh in on biah rishinah/pesach pasuach 😛
You should be ashamed of yourself. Disgusting!
You say that a lot. Lighten up.
Zayer a shayne zach.
I don’t understand the materialism and waste associated with weddings today. We spent $2000 to do our wedding and it was amazing. There was over 100 people and everyone commented on it being one of the most beautiful weddings they had ever attended. It certainly was for me 🙂
They don’t even have sheets, let alone $2000 to pay for a wedding. Think of the non-wedding costs, like a mattress (or two). Some people can’t rough it like my wife I who do not have a dresser, all of our clothing is on top of empty plastic rubbermaids. This couple doesn’t have the means to even buy bedding, let alone have a wedding.
This being a satirical blog I expected something interesting concerning the arcane Jewish details of the actual wedding night, perhaps a bit of poking fun at what happens in the yichud room, etc.
Nothing interesting happens in the yichud room
If you think that, you probably don’t know
If you think that, then you REALLY don’t know!
Remember what Chris Rock said … Nothing good happens in the Yichud Room
If the Yichud room’s a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’.
help the shidduch crisis
http://thepartialview.blogspot.com/2013/04/publicity-of-shhidduch-crisis-backfiring.html
CM, you say she has “far too much pride to ask for assistance, so I’m secretly doing it for her.” Is that a fair judgment of her character? Maybe it’s not the aveira of pride at all, but the mitzva of integrity that motivates this tzadekes?
Aren’t you afraid your friend will be mortified to discover sooner or later that her wedding was funded by begging on her behalf?
This is not the “old days” in which the great mitzva of hachnasa kallah spared poor women from dying miserably alone for want of a dowry.
Maybe she would prefer to get married in her best dress (not necessarily a white Victorian fairy-princess ensemble) outdoors followed by a backyard BBQ with a friend’s fiddling or even a stereo system with a chasuna mixtape?
Are you afraid that the caterers/photographers/musicians unions will dispatch their thugs to leave a horse’s head in their marital bed or something?
Mrs FrumSatire Chaya can you please email me or pass me your’s (About this wedding)…
Thank you to everyone who contributed. My wife tells me that almost $800 was raised due to this post. I’m truly impressed, nice to think that I can actually use this apikorusus for good things.
Do they have an Amazon wishlist? That’s a good idea for people to be able to contribute who don’t have a way to send money.
I’m just going to throw it out there…if they can’t afford bed sheets, what business do they have even getting married?
Maybe they can afford their monthly rent, food, utilities, periodic clothing, just enough money for gas to get to the shvigger’s house for the more expensive yomim tovim etc. but they can’t afford this one-time couplathousand dollar expense for the wedding and furnishing the house from scratch?
Should they avoid getting married? Hmm?
Maybe they can afford those things or maybe they can’t. But if they don’t have the means to provide for their own basic needs, such as a mattress (or two), why not wait until they can? Please don’t say it’s because they have to fulfill the mitzvah of starting to have children right away…
First of all, please don’t tell me what to say and what not to say.
Second of all, the issue at hand is the wedding, not their basic needs, that’s why I’m assuming they can provide for their basic needs.
Once again; if they cannot afford the huge, one time outlay a wedding and furnishing of a house requires, should they not get married?
The issue at hand, as you put it, implicates the larger issue of their basic needs, otherwise Heshy wouldn’t have said that they “can’t even afford to buy bedding.” If such is the case, then no, they should not get married. If they can’t provide for themselves, they can’t provide for any children. Thus, there is no reason they shouldn’t wait until they have the means.
Also, a wedding doesn’t have to be a huge expense.
So what happens if they both lose their jobs after they’re married? Should they get divorced?
A wedding is a huge expense no matter how cheaply it’s done, it’s certainly no cheaper than getting a new used car which is something many people have a hard time doing even when they could provide for theirs and their children’s basic needs.
No, that’s just ridiculous. You can’t anticipate both people in a marriage losing their jobs at once. That’s not the same thing as going into a marriage knowing you already can’t provide.
I don’t think it’s such a ridiculous question; the point I’m trying to make is that people will likely step in to help them so that they don’t become homeless and get divorced, Jewish communities see marriage as an important deal, Jews want to help other Jews get married and stay married.
I am assuming they can provide, if they can’t put food on the table and they can’t pay rent, you’re right, they shouldn’t get married.
The fact that they buy bedding now while they’re also trying to marry themselves off doesn’t mean they can’t provide for the basics.
I don’t think homelessness automatically equals divorce and I agree with you that people would help out in that situation. However, they do not purport to buy bedding as they marry themselves off. They can’t afford bedding, yet are still getting married. That’s a huge difference. It’s akin to not being able to put food on the table and it’s irresponsible to put themselves in a position where they will inevitably (and already) rely on others for BASIC needs.
First, I don’t see how not being able to buy bedding at a time when they are also spending lots of money on other large expenses is akin to not being able to put food on the table.
Second, I wonder in what situation you think the mitzvah of hachnasas kallah is needed? When the couple doesn’t need the money?
1. Because bedding is a basic need. Even in prison you get a pillow and a blanket and if they can’t afford that, then they likely cannot afford other necessities either.
2. I’m not saying poor people can’t get married, nor am I saying that people shouldn’t help poor couples out with wedding expenses. I’m saying when you can’t afford necessities, it’s irresponsible and you should wait until you can. Don’t purposely become a burden when there are people who have unexpectedly fallen on hard times, such as the couple who lost both their jobs. And I don’t know this particular couple and I would hope that they aren’t getting married with the intention of relying on kindness of others (or the government) for their needs. But that is my response to your hachnasas kallah question. A wedding is only 1 day, but the couple must make ends meet every other day of their lives. Is it ok for their children not to have bedding either? Or will they surely get help with that too, be it from their family, community or the government?
…and plenty of people have small weddings at their homes with their immediate families for just the cost of a ketubah, a bottle of wine, and an inexpensive meal for the family.
…and plenty of people ride bikes to work and wear sandals and jeans.
Right.