I always find it super cool when I realize that chassidim are reading my blog, I know they are because it’s quite rare for me to walk around Williamsburg or New Square without being recognized, but I don’t think I have ever featured a post from an on the derech chossid before. As many of you know, I find chassidim and chassidism fascinating, but since I don’t know enough about it – I pretty much leave it alone, maybe the author of the following post can write some more funny thoughts on chassidic life.
Top Ten perks of being in an arranged marriage:By Nachaum
We were waiting for the elevator to arrive. It crept ever so slowly to the lobby of the apartment building in which I was about to meet my wife to be. Cutting the silence, my father said sternly, “Remember, Nachum, don’t be a wiseguy. Don’t make us any problems. We worked hard to get this beshow (pre-engagement meeting with a girl).” My mother nodded her head in agreement. So did I.
Fifty minutes later we were on our way home, and the next morning I got engaged. I didn’t really have much of a say in the matter. It happened the way they all do. The shadchan called my father. My father called everyone he knew that might know the girl and her family. There wasn’t a reason not to go ahead with the shidduch. I got engaged. Exactly the way things are meant to be. Nothing out of the ordinary.
It is now ten years later, and I am here reflecting on the nature of the arranged marriage. I don’t have what to compare it to, as I have never experienced a marriage borne of love. Neither have I ever had any meaningful relationship with any woman or girl. If you feel like pitying me, please don’t.
There are many perks that come with being in an arranged marriage. Some benefits are known. Others are unknown. Some are not often admitted. Others are only spoken about by members of the arranged club. Let me clue you in.
1) Finding a wife is guaranteed. Right along with the laws of nature such as light by day and dark at night is the fact that we chassidim are always taken care of. We don’t pay rent. We have section 8. We don’t pay for food. We have Foodstamps. Health insurance? No, we have Medicaid. Tuition? Electricity bills? Speeding tickets? There’s an assistance program for that.
Do you really think we should go out and work on finding a girl or a potential wife? Thanks, but no thanks. It doesn’t fit our way of life. We like being taken care of. We are guaranteed to be married by a certain age. We can be the biggest loser; we’ll still get married. The shadchans will go ahead and look for a loser of equal dimension and convince us of how great a match it is. It’s just like Oprah. Everyone gets a wife. You have a wife, and you have wife, and you have a wife…
2) It’s like winning a grab bag. Have you ever won a grab bag? Regardless of what you win, it feels pretty good. Putting your hand into that big black bag, not knowing what you’ll take out feels great. In an arranged marriage we put your hand into the bag and out comes whatever our luck has in store. It’s just like winning a grab bag in which everyone wins something. We might not win more than the status of being married, but we still got that for free. If we find out that our wife doesn’t mind that we watch movies, you hit the jackpot.
3) We can get away with murder. As far as I understand, in typical marriages you have something to protect and preserve. You at least have to play this game. In arranged marriages, we can go ahead and leave our socks on the floor the night of our wedding. We can then take our new wife’s virginity and watch porn on our Blackberry the next day.
There just simply isn’t the inherent social contract in our arranged relationships as there is in other mainstream relationships. The girls are told before they get married that the bochurim (boys) are animals from the zoo. The bochurim are told that the girls are simpleminded, hormonal, and emotionally fragile. With an introduction like this there are no expectations for social norms from either spouse. And so debauchery is the norm.
4) It actually feels good when others flirt with our wives. Jealousy is one emotion we do not have to deal with. As a matter of fact most of us, don’t feel possessive of our wives. After all, our wives are just something that happened to us. She’s not someone I sought out, pursued, and scored. On the other hand, there’s this constant nagging feeling of not knowing how you measure up to that of others. How does your grab bag compare to that of others?
The best confirmation you can get is when other men stare at your wife in the street or in front of shul. You suddenly realize you are in possession of a commodity. When a friend of yours subtly flirts, shmoozes, or jokes with your wife that’s the ultimate compliment. You got someone that others want. Score.
5) We never feel guilty for having made a bad choice. You often buy a car, a house, electronics, then a month later you berate yourself for having bought model A instead of Model B. The same, I guess, applies to mainstream marriages. You chose one girl over another, and if things don’t work out you have only yourself to blame.
We never have buyer’s remorse. Our spouses are chosen for us. We can’t blame ourselves because we didn’t even enter the marketplace. We took whatever was picked for us. One less thing to obsess over. On the other hand, we get to hold a justifiable grudge against our parents for the rest of our lives.
6) There’s no reason to put in any work into our marriages. Our marriages are not meant to be built on love, romance, and intimacy. Our rabbis are quick to say that the Torah does not define marriage in such terms. But we have an even better reason not to put any work into our marriages. Why clean up someone else’s mess? Seriously? We should spend thousands of dollars to fix a wreck our parents created? We are not expected to assume that level of responsibility.
7) We get to discuss the important things before we get engaged. Before mainstream relationships turn into marriages, many months are spent doing who knows what. These people may be getting to know each other. They might be discussing values and opinions. But they don’t discuss the important stuff.
You see, when all we have is forty five minutes to meet with the girl you’re going to spend the rest of our life with, we must discuss the important stuff. The stuff that really matters. For example, we’ll talk about how old you were and where you were on 9/11. We’ll discuss in detail the number and ages of our and their siblings. We’ll ask each other if/when they’ve been to Israel, and the details of the trips. You know, the important stuff, because all you got is an hour or so.
8) Divorce just isn’t an option. Part and parcel with arranged marriage is the knowledge that it’s highly unlikely that we’ll ever get divorced. It’s just not something we believe in. You might know one or two arranged marriages that ended in divorce, but these are the exceptions. For the most part our spouses are considered a permanent appendage. Knowing this rids us from many obligations, frees us from the need to impress, and opens up our options to do whatever we want, and not do whatever we don’t want, within our marriages.
In the likely case that your marriage sucks, we become martyrs. We take one for the team. We don’t just get divorced because the marriage is not ok. Rather, we proudly put the needs of our families before our own needs. Our families’ needs to have a full house of married, non-divorced children takes precedent to anything we may think we need. The only way to experience this spiritual high is by being in an arranged marriage.
9) We never know what a real relationship is, so we don’t know what we’re missing. Is the grass really greener on the other side? Only if you can see the grass, of course. In our case, we have no clue about the nature of relationships and marriage on the other side. It’s grand, I tell you. It’s the epitome of ignorance-induced bliss. We get married. We have our own apartment. We get to have sex once or twice a month. We get fresh kugel from our mothers in law. What else can one possibly want or need. It’s blissful not knowing.
10) Compatibility between spouses is extremely high. Before we get hitched, there’s weeks of research done. Our parents call around, ask people in shul, make phone calls to rebbes, and meet up with mashgichim and rosh yeshivos. Our parents want to make sure that the boy/girl they are considering won’t end up being a shanda (embarrassment) to the family. The other side’s parents are doing the same thing. They also do all they can to assure that the boy/girl they are considering won’t be a shanda to their family. It really doesn’t get more compatible than this. One boy, one girl, no shanda, perfect match.
So, my dear friends, if you ever feel stuck in an arranged marriage, just read through this list and it’ll instantly make you feel better. If you ever are being red a shidduch and are skeptical, just go over this list and it’ll give you the push you need. And if you ever encounter an arranged marriage basher, just show them this list for instant mind-changing results. They’ll thank you for shedding some light on a misunderstood institution.
By the way, in case you wondered, I’m happily married. Insert evil laugh here.
I’m trying to figure out if this guy is sarcastic or not…
Sad, he doesn’t seem to have the slightest bit of respect for women, a byproduct of being raised in that environment. I have a couple of friends in arrangedish marriages but none of their relationships resemble what you’re describing above.
I don’t know… the whole thing is weird to me
arrangedish… Funny!
how awful.
#5 is absolutely hilarious “It’s not my fault, blame the Shadchan!!!”
Forgot something – sometimes refreshments are even served at the pre-wedding meeting. Cha-ching.
Disgusting description, and how untrue!
This is definitely fake. I mean, Chasidim can’t write!?!
Well I sent him a list of stuff to write about that I can’t due to my non-insider information so you’ll be seeing more.
My comment was, of course, tongue in cheek. I’m sure you recognized that, being that you’re all into satire…
Anyway, this post was funny and well written, and I’m looking forward to more from the same writer.
I can’t believe that this is real, but if it is, it makes me sad. I don’t get how somebody can have a truly happy and fulfilling life without ever experiencing love and real intimacy, and a real connection with someone else. I guess you don’t know what you’re missing, but still…if that’s the case I don’t think I’d want to get married at all, I’d rather be alone to do as I please. Plus, since you don’t “really” care about each other, there’s more of an incentive to go out and cheat on each other and take lovers on the side (except that’s against the religion which poses a problem)
Satire people!!! Satire!!!
This guy is not chassidish, but I thought the post was pretty funny.
I asked him where he lives and grew up and stuff like that and this is the answer he gave me: I grew up in bp. Live in Williamsburg now. Was a klausenberg chassid… But it kind of got old real quick. So I went to college and university, but I never became a rebel.
I just consider myself as an outsider but as an anthropologist. Just observing and not really participating.
Well, that does explain things.
I was actually a bit puzzled at the extent of how familiar he was with the culture and the way it feels to experience an arranged marriage. What threw me off was his knowledge of the world outside the chassidish mind and how to compare the two mindsets, which is extremely rare for a participating member of the chassidish community to have.
Truth be told, my own story is pretty similar to his, except that I did have my rebel stage.
Chassidim don’t watch Oprah. But it was a funny post. I actually have never had a problem with arranged marriages. I kind of wish my parents had done it for me when I was 21. Then I could have my 4-6 kids that I always wanted instead of waiting to find love on my own until I was too old to have more than one. Romantic love is a modern invention, and marriage statistics, not just in this country, but all over the world (EXCEPT where arranged marriages predominate), would indicate that it simply doesn’t work as well as arrangements do. Here are the facts, not funny, but facts nonetheless: 1 out of every 2 romantic marriages ends in divorce. There are many reasons for this, but a big one has to do with the fact that romantic marriages are based primarily on infatuation–you fall for her figure, his smile, her hair, his muscles, his sense of humor, whatever. You’re not really falling for the whole person. So what happens when the great body goes to pot, or the hair falls out, or the guy with the great smile or sense of humor develops depression. End of the love story.
What really matters? Spiritual beliefs, personal values, commitment to family. . .do most couples talk about these things before marriage? I don’t think so. Not most non-religious 20-somethings. A lot of them don’t even know where they stand on those things yet. But their parents have a better idea, because they know how they raised them and they’ve watched their children develop all their lives. When you’re the one shooting an arrow you can see where it’s heading pretty clearly.
I’m not saying I believe in forced marriage. I think intendeds should meet before an engagement, and if one party finds the other obviously repulsive, they shouldn’t be forced into it. But ultimately real romantic love, true love, not the kind that two 19-yr-olds experience, only comes with years of living with and caring for a mate. Love isn’t a pit you fall into. That’s infatuation. Real love is an action verb. It’s something you do on a daily basis, and that process of loving someone over a life time leads to romance and a depth of feeling that someone who trades in his trophy wife every 10 years could never truly understand. To the Realist above, those are the people you should feel sorry for. They spend their lives only knowing infatuation, and never experiencing real love. Why would you assume that because the marriage is arranged, these people don’t really care for each other? I guarantee you that most of them do. They make the commitment to care for each other, and caring, like love, is only made real by doing. Judaism has a principle Na’aseh v’Nishma–it’s used to refer to the mitzvot. It means we will do and we will hear (understand). Meaning we will DO the thing we are supposed to do first, and through the process of doing it, we will ultimately understand why–we will hear the reason for it in our souls, but first we do it. Love can be defined the same way. I didn’t really know my husband when I married him, but I knew that he was the person that G-d wanted me to be with, so I married him 3 months after I met him. I don’t think I really loved him then. I am madly in love with him now, 10 years later, and I know he feels the same way about me, because he shows it all the time. And believe me, I had plenty of “Love” relationships in the 37 years before I got married. None of them came even remotely close to the love that I experience on a daily basis now. Even though my marriage wasn’t technically arranged, the fact that we chose to treat it as if it was (not being intimate before the wedding night, for example), was part of what has made it a success, IMO. Granted, ten years isn’t that long, but my parents have been married 50 years, and got married 4 months after meeting on a blind date, so that’s even closer. Don’t feel sorry for arranged couples. The essay above may have been satire, but there was more than a kernel of truth to it.
For your info, many chaisidim know how to write. I happen to be lubavitch, but I’m in school with many chasidim and they have an obssesion to be able to write English on a very high level-some of them succeed.
This post doesn’t sound like the tone/grammer (no offence to anyone) or sentiment of any Chassid I’ve ever met. That said, I appreciate the opinion that the more ‘heavily guided’ forms of shidduchim can be happy and healthy. Even though I don’t think that was the point of this author- I’m sure many on this site can vouch for the inherent good points of both the “arranged marriages” and the heavy hand of the Yeshivish system. I don’t claim our system works perfectly but unlike much of the secular world it does TRY to focus on the ideals of Torah.
i want to ask a serious question here, since i’ve seen a lot of differing opinions— is it, or is it not assur to have sex before you are married? and under halachic law, is shaking hands with a woman the same as having sex with her?
1.Assur. Very assur if shes a niddah (halachic menstruating cycle).
2.No. And your exact issur depends on A) if shes a niddah, B) if it’s business or pleasure, and C) how your Rabbi decides the halacha.
see, that’s how i’ve always understood it. but there are a lot of people here in the comments section that somehow think it’s okay to sleep with non-jewish women because technically they can’t be niddah because they aren’t jews, or that shomer negiah somehow excludes sex, etc. when people bend halakah like that it’s very difficult for someone like me who is converting to keep everything straight.
Nachum this post kicks @ss. Keep it coming!
And anybody who doesn’t think this guy is a chossid, doesn’t know too many actual chassidim. There’s way too many inside information in this piece for it to be fake. Yes, a lot of it is f@cked up. But that’s the situation. What did you expect, your yeshiva would show you inspirational videos of tish, or videos of chassidim watching movies on their laptops with the curtains drawn?
This is one of the funniest pieces I have ever read here. Keep posting!
if this is true, it’s actually disgusting that somebody can think like that or write something like that. I’m not at all a raving feminist or anything like that but you’re speaking about your wife like she is a worthless maid.
Hey, this is the nature of the arranged marriage beast.
Very funny post. Looking forward to reading more from this guest writer.
From a fellow Chusid, I can tell you this does look like a Chusid wrote it. & People, Come on get over yourself, Its Satire
This was a great post! Can’t wait to read more from Nochum. This easily could be written by a authentic chassidishe guy, whether or not it actually is. There’s seems to be a a fresh mix of some downright funny humor as well as some bottom line truths in there. I just don’t get why all the haters are ragging on the writer’s attitude towards women. To whatever degree that it’s satirical or sincere, the points he makes seem to be equal opportunity (the women get to not-give-a-crap as much as the men). Keep it coming!
For a counter-point, talk to people from India. Many of the people I work with have arranged marriages. Apparently, everyone in the family pitches in to vet the bride and groom. Once the marriage is arranged, the perspective couple meet 30 days before the wedding and don’t see each other until the ceremony. And these are not ignorant people. One guy just got married to a woman who was an international banker. She has 2 master degrees, and he has to get another one to catch up.
my indian housekeeper is very happy in her arranged marriage and she loves her in-laws! she has made me rethink our whole system. imagine, no shidduch crisis! but i think the whole thing depends on a level of trust in and respect for parents that we don’t have. who says we’ve got it right?
SOOOOO well written! His veiw on arranged marriage and life in general is very interesting, he should write more for you Heshy.