One of the things everyone who I talk to from back east ask is how the singles situation is out here. It’s slim pickings, but I could have told you this before I moved here, I kind of moved here to get away from large Jewish communities and would never have moved to one of the two singles communities anyway, so no there is no “singles scene” there are plenty of single eligible men and women, unless you happen to want one who is fully frum – I’ve dated across the haskafic spectrum and continue to do so (although I’ve been on exactly one date since I moved here 11 months ago)
Many people here tell me that if I want to get married (I definitely would like to meet someone, but I am now beginning to understand that whole thing about “not willing to relocate”– there is one girl on the horizon that I may fly and meet soon) I have to move to New York, specifically the upper west side or Washington Heights.
Now I know you have to move to New York to get married, everyone does it, yet for some reason not everyone who does it is getting married. The fact is that moving to New York doesn’t seem to help anyone get married more than living anywhere else. I know this because the Upper West Side is full of older singles, singles that’ve been on the west side for years, with no luck.
It seems that the larger the dating pool the tougher it is to get married and I have some ideas why.
Having a lot of potential matches creates overload and people tend to think they can always do better.
If you get married while living in a singles community, you lose your circle of friends (I don’t know why, but married people always feel they have to hang around other married people)
If you live in a large singles community there is no pressure from families or adults to get married, in regular communities there is pressure because to truly be a member of the community you need to be married with children.
Many singles living in a community complain that there is no one to date – this is because everyone is friends and lots of people say they cannot date their friends.
New Yorkers complain about the cost of living, tuition and food so often that getting married can be a bit overwhelming for many singles who are still taking handouts from their parents. It seems to me like New York singles haven’t lived independently enough (many are from nearby or seem to be on some kind of life support from family)
There is too much gossip that can ruin potential relationships.
It’s all min shamayim… moving might help meeting more people but it won’t garauntee you a spouse.
it depends if you want quality or quantity.
1stttttt
I’ve heard the same things, most frequently the fear of commitment for even a coffee date that derives from the fear that a better offer might come along.
I live in a smaller Jewish community, with far fewer singles than NYC. I’ve also seen a tendency amongst singles here, especially divorced people, to not want to date locally. It’s far easier and requiring less commitment to date “long-distance”. It’s easy to fantasize and project onto strangers from Jdate and Frumster qualities that might not actually exist. It’s a way of having the thrill and excitement of a new relationship without the responsibilities of real commitment. It’s more fun to avoid having to invest time and effort in a day-to-day relationship like marriage , and to have a “relationship” (that never leads anywhere) but only when it fits your child custody schedule.
Seems to me that rational people would exhaust all local possibilities before looking in other places, but we are talking about irrational emotions like fear, love, lust, etc. and not about logic.
If people are serious about
Heshy,
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts. When I went to Vancouver, BC from Jerusalem, I also chose it partially because of the small community which also means way less of that crazy single shi…
Anyhoo, I also left Vancouver back to Jerusalem partially because I dated the three guys that fit my criteria and then there was no one left.
Recently I read an article in jpost (I think) about a study that proved what you’re saying. There are definite drawbacks to living in a large singles community. But lots of pluses too.
I am anti-fatalism enough that I think you could probably take the good from being in a singles community and navigate it in a way that you aren’t too affected by the bad.
But then, I live with my parents in the bitza (the swamp) so who am I to talk? 🙂
This is an example of more choices making it harder to choose. I believe there was a part in one of maybe Gladwell’s or the Freakanomics book using all the different varities of jam to pick from as an example.
singles communities are for people who want to be single, but, since alas high prices in real estate perforce apts to be subsidized by parents whom they impress upon a serious interest singles communities as shidduch pools.
I lived in the Upper West side (recently moved out of NY), and this is true- as are all of these reasons.
Everyone is looking- and whoever you are with- you always seem to have a wandering eye. It’s very cut throat up there. People do “get stuck” there.
You meet more people, but the circumstances are so different. It;s really fun though. Great Social Scene.
But, I have met more ‘potential’ mates in my new city which has a lot of jews (but there is no scene like the UWS). It’s pros and cons. Way better quality of life outside Ny though. (I”m sure everyone will fight me on that one though)
No fights here
I can’t believe so many people stay in NY. The vast majority of New Yorkers who end up in my neck of the woods are shocked at how much better the quality of life is here than in NY. There have been a few that couldn’t handle being away from it, but most are quite content being gone. Of course, as a single, divorced Kohein
outside of NY, I’m basically hopelessly single. Hey, the silver lining is I control the thermostat!
dude, if your looking to get married, then move out of the bay area. I live here and there is not a lot of options. although everyone who is frum in northern california is more like you than in new york, there isn’t enough mass
Having had my past 3 matches from Washington Heights, it feels like “Saw You at Cong. Mount Sinai.” After two or three dates, my dates get bored and terminate the budding relationship.
All my Heights dates are educated, working, and very intellectual and philosophical. They read NY Times and Wall Street Journal daily.
I love taking them to museums, indie films, and art galleries. We have deep intellectual conversations that last for hours. We have tons of things in common. And yet, they still get bored and choose to end it.
I don’t live in The Heights. My Queens shul is mostly elderly, we have no singles scene, nor a gossip scene. The few singles in my shul are serious people. We are serious about marriage.
We don’t date because we like museums and philosophical conversations. We date to find our matches. I know it sounds simple, but sometimes I wish that women in The Heights would be a bit simpler too.
If I can give you some advice for what its worth stop dragging these dates out for hours. Go out an hour maybe an little more than say you have to go either they will want to go out again or if not at least you are not wasting your time. I used to be the same way when I was single but once I got married I realized that dates don’t have to be marathons. Give them time to come up for air.
Perhaps the less you see a person, the more that person will miss you. But that person could easily move on instead.
I live in a community with a relatively small singles community and think I would fare far better (in terms of relationships) in a larger community, contrary to what you argue here. It seems like, when choosing where to live, one needs to choose between: (A) a place where there are no singles, or at least no like-minded singles, or (B) a place where there are many, many, overwhelming quantities of singles (UWS). It’s an annoying dilemma, but at least in the latter situation there are women to be met..far better than sauntering in solitude.