There are three kids sitting to the left of me, they are not talking to one another, they have not paid for overpriced chilled coffee flavored beverages with fat packing whip cream on top. They are dressed up as if they wanted to go out and then decided to come and hang out at the local independent coffee shop.
You know the type of place that has hardwood tables, worn thin by the scraping of notebooks, laptops and the spills of hot brown liquid on their surfaces. Usually frequented by deviant types with weird hair, weirder clothing and an ever changing array of musical tastes of bands you have never heard of, for if you mention that you have heard of them, or even note some sort of recognition these bands become resigned to the “sold out” bin of bands that made it, even if you are another deviant you cannot have heard of this band – funny because someone has to have heard of them.
Either way, I am sitting here drinking a short latte, marveling at the placebo effect created by my simple question of the tattooed barista that grudgingly admitted that the Muddy Cup of Albany, does not roast their own beans, if I recall correctly the Muddy Cup in New Paltz seems to have that “we roast our own beans” feel to it, not that it makes a difference to me, my friend had recently encouraged me to stop drinking that vanilla flavored bullshit in my coffee and drink it like a man, trying to develop my taste for coffee I feel the need to act cool and ask about beans and blends, even though you could give me a dark roast and I couldn’t tell the difference between that and espresso, wait are they the same?
So there are these kids and they are fucking annoying, already the kid who had been fooling around with his Tablet, had left annoyed at these kids who felt the need to show up at a coffee a shop and annoy the shit out of paying customers who came for the peace and quiet of a neighborhood coffee shop. I know it’s a free country, but cant they just sit outside and do the whole texting and laughing out loud thing. They aren’t even talking to each other, rather they are texting each other and annoying other patrons.
How on earth did Heshy Fried the anti technology anti indoors type of fellow wind up at an independent coffee shop on Saturday night anyway? Not too long ago I would be standing on my bike at the local indoor skatepark, chugging mountain dew and listening to punk rock while hanging out with my local skater punk brethren, suddenly I found myself going out to coffee houses, it was quite strange and I will tell you a secret, it all started when I needed to start figuring out inventive ways to pick up chicks.
Spot Coffee is in an old art deco Chevrolet dealership, it is a truly magnificent building, worth a quick jaunt through the city of Rochester just to feast your eyes what gentrification has the power to do. I would st in Spot for hours, just marveling at the coolness of independent coffee shop types. This wasn’t the Abercrombie crowd of starbucks, these people were different, unique, and those types of girls I always wanted to talk to at the record shops were here, though I could never muster up the courage, I would just casually glance their way, with the hope of a conversation struck up and a move to the upstairs love seat lounge.
Coffee shop fantasies with girls too cool and hip to notice me in my skater punk attire ordered things like Mocha with shots of espresso and chai with no foam and whip, while I resigned myself to Coconut Lattes and regular coffees drowned in sugar.
When I got a computer, the same one I am using today as I did in 2004 I became part of the messenger and laptop crowd, I was cool. I had convinced myself that to be cool I had to have a messenger bag; I didn’t realize until recently that the real coolness was in owning a Macbook, but that was way ahead of me at the time. I felt cool with my Toshiba and messenger bag, like now I could look like I wasn’t just some college kid. This was way before I even knew I could write, this was in those days of trying to pick up chicks online, it didn’t work, but it looked as if I was working.
I never actually did pick up a chick at a coffee shop, but the fantasy of some good loving in one of those dark tucked away corners where lovers converse over hot chocolate with a shot of espresso reigned, would I have a romantic conversation about the unique complexities of the way they roast beans and whether fair trade coffee is just another marketing tool or actually does mean something.
Although I never had a make out session on one of those cozy “found this in the garbage” couches, I have been in many cool coffee shops in my day and have met some cool folks. I have had some romantic coffee house conversations, and maybe a make out session or two, but never with a girl that I met in line ordering my skinny no foam latte. It was always with people I knew or were dating at the time; it just wasn’t what I wanted but I guess that’s life.
On a side note: I had a maple latte at Gorilla Coffee in Park Slope yesterday and it was amazing – real maple syrup, locally roasted beans and an unbelievable taste – Gorilla also has some of the best hipster watching in the city.
Seriously, what kind of f*cked up chick would hang out at a coffee shop looking to meet a guy?
I’ve seen desperate women in bars, but they we’re just trying to get laid.
no one hangs around trying to meet people – its a pleasant side effect
I love independent coffee shops because there is that nutty old guy in the corner with whom you can have a marvelous conversation about physics until he starts serenading you with his wacky radical political theories and you start to sloowwly edge away…
i love coffee house types because to me they really think no one knows what they are up to but they are so wrong. And they TRY SOO HARD. take a look around…
Infequent customer- this guy is in and out. he usually is in a business suit looks either super confident or super akward. he really doesn’t want to be there and has his card out before its his turn in line. someone may make small talk but for fear of becomeing a “regular” he will only answer with one word answers. this guy tends to go to starbucks if he can help it but if there is none around he will venture in.
Computer guy- he is on his computer pretending to write but is really just checking email. if you watch he is allways positioned perfectly to be noticed either by being uber close to the line or way way on some back corner, as if to say “i am a loner hear me roar”. generally he is wears a brown courdoroy blazer and jeans, and always has a faux-hawk. he might be shameless enough to wear non prescription glasses though he doesn’t need them. his computer is the mac book which he had to sell his soul to get because he really works at kinkos. he doesn’t ever shave with a razor and not because he is jewish but because he has to have a 5 oclock shadow. the funniest thing about this species is his eyes, if you notice he is never consentating on his work or his computer at all but is much more interested in who is looking at him. if he is writing he might get three sentences completed the entire hour or two he is there.
Emo Girl- the chick listening to her ipod sipping some kind of frapp. notice the ipod is out on the table in full display for all to see that she is listening to the streets or death cab for cutie. she almost always has some sort of lip ring either on the upper lip to the right or lower lip to the left. she wears a tank top everywhere she goes so as to make good use of the arm tattoos of some crazy dragons covered in clouds and stars that she no doubtedly paid $600 for, and is not currently thinking of how f-ing stupid she is going to look when she is 60.
Metro -faux artist- this guy that is still wearing his sunglasses (which happen to be girl shades) and generally has a scarve on in the middle of july. i find this guy always sits the couch and crosses his legs with little ease because his pants are soo damn tight. typically he might have a leather bound notebook for when the inspiration hits him, to jot down some sonnet about him being “drunk with the passion of old” His iphone has a jason mraz song and it goes off every 3 minutes.
Keep looking and surely you will find
The Recently Single Dad- A need to frequent all the “hip” spots he is sure to be there, but in no way is anything he does or how he looks hip. his khaki pants have more pleats than a kilt and his eddie baur shirt doesn’t fit because he has recently lost some weight, but he still tuck his shirt in- waist line just shy of his belly button to make a big frumpy mess. he gets a coffe black, talks to everybody in line especially the girls and has no idea what that black coffee is doing for his breath. also he tends to have dandruff flaking his shirt he is totally unaware of. you can tell this guy might have been a smooth operator 15 years ago, but has been out of the game for a while and doesn’t know the rules.
Then you got the only natural species,
The Granola type- this birkenstalk wearing guy is the only one in the bunch that fits the bill. having a good coffe sense, he is just there for a good brew. you will notice him because normally he is the guy with a beard and pony tail and has on earthtone everything. typically his dark brown cargo pants side pockets are stuffed to the gills with who knows what, A patagonia vest no matter what the weather is, and he might have either a side sachel or a backpack. he smiles a great deal, is generally is in great shape and is usually the nicest guy you will meet. also other than the infequent customer, he is in there the shortest amount of time, usually because he has a dog tied up outside. his visit is to pick up the strongest best coffe out there have a short conversation with another granola type about kiyaking (sp) or or rock climbing and he is out of there.
then lastly the
Lurker: this guy has no reason to be there other than to be a voyeur of sorts. he pretty much creeps everyone out. at first glance you might not notice him because he might have the paraphanalia of all the other types, but look closer it just doesn’t fit in quite right exposing him for the wierd eyed looky loo he is. for example he might have a Toshiba laptop instead of a mac book- sure give away. he might have a patagonia vest, but he is not in good shape so he aint no granola. might have music, but its a cheap ass cd player playing metallica- thats not emo. he might have 5 oclock shadow but that only is because he is a big shlubby jew. people don’t realize he is there but you can feel him, you can feel his beady eyes on the back of your head burning a lop in your kohp. you can feel his big sweaty breath slightly exhaling causing your neck hair to stand on end and you stomach to turn. look around he is there, he is always unmarried around 26 and he is the one that when you make eye contact with him he looks away like a stray dog. because he knows he is there for one purpose. he is there to visually violate your wife, girlfriend, sister, or mother and or everyone elses. you can see him ooggling from across the room . if you see this guy just kick his ass or get him a good shadduch so he can stop staring at everone elses wife and start getting his wife starred at by the other lurkers out there..
The maple latte must’ve been a lot. Last time I checked, real maple syrup was $18/quart.
Dude they put like 2 oz in it – it was 3 bucks
You know there are a few who still use Powerbooks to look “cool”, as they are much cheaper than new MacBooks, and look the same from a distance. There is only one “cool” powerbook left, and it is the 12 inch model..
Just something to add to the melee here…
As for me I might even use my netbook and leave the Macbook in the bag, just to not fit in:-)..
seriously!
FRUMGER – you really have time to post such a long comment?!?!? lol! seriously!
FrumGer – Brevity is the soul of wit.
FrumGer
Good description, I’ve seen all of these kinds of people! Ha ha!
who gives a shat -sure do have time, it doesn’t take that long… a few minutes really. i sit infront of a computer all day long at my job, so no problem there.
Chani- who says I am witty?
I mean who really cares if my post are long- just skip them if you want to. I write long posts… always have always will. unless heshy starts blocking me. and i think you will find i am not the only long winded, given the right subject many others tend to drop long posts too
FrumGer,
I was enjoying your coffee shop type descriptions until I realized what it was a segue for.
By the way, you don’t write comments. You write essays.
“I never actually did pick up a chick at a coffee shop, but the fantasy of some good loving in one of those dark tucked away corners where lovers converse”
THE WAY YOU LOOK YOU COULD ONLY PICK UP A CHECK AT THE BRAILE INSTITUTE!
“I never actually did pick up a chick at a coffee shop, but the fantasy of some good loving in one of those dark tucked away corners where lovers converse”
THE WAY YOU LOOK YOU COULD ONLY PICK UP A CHICK AT THE BRAILE INSTITUTE!
Chick – I am not one to pick up chicks, but I’m glad the only thing you could bash is my long hair and unshaven look which is easily erasable
So why not a bath, a haircut and a shave and you may find some us interested.
I shower every day, but the type of girls I am attracted to love long hair and facial hair on men – and it works wonders for weeding out those clean cut boring types of girls who want their men to be groomed and hold open doors for them.
I want a girl who will pee in the woods, not care about how smooth her legs are and climb mountains with me.
In response to CHICK:
Oh no she didn’t!
I think those women usually prefer other women…but then with your long hair it might work out.
Sarbonne – its funny because the women I like are usually the one’s with a lot of guy and lesbian friends
Yochannan
Segue for what?
I must say tru dat on the essays…
Phil – great Freudian slip there on who was looking to get laid…
Ooops.
Segue for a jab at the author.
I totally relate, as a coffee house fanatic and “chugging mountain dew and listening to punk rock while hanging out with my local skater punk brethren”-most of my high school years (even when I became frum).
I was once, and it was glorious, picked up by a frum girl at the Starbucks at 72 Spring Street in the city. She bought my Iced Latte, we click in regards to the importance of both the Ramones and R Kook, but it turned out that she wasn’t into dating BTs…
however free coffee is free coffee.
Great post.
“I want a girl who will pee in the woods, not care about how smooth her legs are and climb mountains with me.”
SO BASICALLY, YOU ARE AN ANIMAL, no?
Go find a nice mountain goat and go nuts!
You are truly demented.
Sorry if this is off topic but this is for John, at his request: Arabica coffee is considered more suitable for drinking than robusta coffee; robusta tends to be bitter and have less flavor but better body than arabica. For these reasons, about three-quarters of coffee cultivated worldwide is C. arabica. However, canephora is less susceptible to disease than arabica and can be cultivated in places where arabica will not thrive. Robusta coffee also contains about 40–50% more caffeine than arabica. For this reason, it is used as an inexpensive substitute for arabica in many commercial coffee blends. —————————————————————–you’re welcone. Kyle, The Espresso Guy
You are all gay
“I want a girl who will pee in the woods, not care about how smooth her legs are and climb mountains with me.”
Maybe you’ll find one of those in the hills of West Virginia where your sister can be your aunt and the family tree is all on one branch.
i used to spend hours and hours at a muddy cup in the hudson valley…despite the terrible terrible coffee that is definitely not roasted there.
i love all of the mismatched comfy chairs and couches and those hardwood tables.
Yokel doesn’t that also happen in Kryas Yoel and Williamsburg?
There’s an awesome coffee shop on the top level of Art Central downtown called The Pallette. they have the best chai tea latte in town, and they have to be one of the city’s best kept sercrets.
Awesome coffee shops are always difficult to find out.
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