This is not Satire:
I went on my first northern California date the other day and guess what?
My car almost died. It overheated and we had to stand around picking blackberries on the side of a dirt road before I could get it started again. I need a new one and I’m asking you – the loyal fan who gets free entertainment day in and out — to help me get a new one. Nothing is too little, nothing is too much – from $5 to $5000. Contrary to popular belief I don’t make a living from this blog. I work full time and I get paid very little for what I do. I live paycheck to paycheck and while I have about $1000 saved up, that’s not the $4000 I need to get a decent car that will last me another 6 years.
Please click on the “Donate” button under the “Help support this site” heading on top of this page. Thanks in advance!
Why don’t you do some research on how to make some cash by putting more ads on the site?
I don’t think I have a paypal acct, or lots of extra cash, but I’ll BL”N try to shtel lifachos a feivish.
Aren’t you seeking someone who would find picking blackberries a good time?
+1 hippie
They hatin’.
The paypal link is broken ?
It is fixed now.
Heshy,
If you succed in raising the money you need for the car, I guess that could be considered making money from the blog, now wouldn’t it ?
What is your full time job?
hes a mashgiach
In a modern-O restaurant, making sure:
1) no hasids or frummies get any food chumra’d up
2) There are no mechitzas
3)In the event that they do have to use mechitzas (not for frummy reasons of course, but because the kallahs grandfather is there, and is a Gerer chosid, and is demanding it and he can’t be told to take a hike since he’s a war survivor) that they are not any higher than shoulder height
4) The bentchers all have english translations
5)Skirt lengths are either very long or very short
6)No hats, jackets and white shirts, however they may be worn separately
Thanks for explaining what it meant, Yankel.
Notice how everyone- including myself- are pointing out random details about blackberry’s (the fruit) and heshys job. Noone has said “sure, I’d love to help out! Here’s 1000$. Jews usually like giving money and r damn good at it….provided they get their name dedicated in gold.
So heshy, maybe if you’ll drive around with a big cabby sign on top of your car I’ll consider it…;)
cabby sign with my name on it, that is
LOL! ;^D He could have a virtual golden scroll looking graphic over on the side listing everybody who donated money …. And then a great picture of him posing with his new car. :^)
Heshy take over my lease for $300 including insurance 2010 camry.
PayPal link is broken…
Anyone know of a way to get money onto a PayPal acct with a CreditCard?
Fixed it.
Tandem bicycle
Here’s the car for you
http://img91.imageshack.us/img91/2909/thehomerfinal2mw6.jpg
Hesh,
2 tips:
1) Next time your car starts overheating, turn on the heater. It will usually cool it down in seconds. Years ago, I was stuck in traffic on a scorching summer day, had the heater on full blast to make it home. Had to drive with half my body sticking out the window to breathe.
2) Your Paypal settings should allow you to put an option to accept major credit cards besides Paypal. It isn’t the default option, you have to turn it on. Make sure it’s available by calling their tech support, they sometimes de-activate it to force vendors to force their customers into signing up for Paypal accounts.
The paypal link but I changed it so it should work now. I’m good for more than the occasional full article rewrites!
So here’s the thing. If its meant to be it will happen car or not. My father used my Mom’s car, used his future father in laws car, used his future brother in law’s car, used his business truck (wtf?!) used a jalopy that broke down, he paid some hick to fix it as he gave him play by play instructions what to do bec he didnt want to get himself dirty on the date…. and my Mom was and is a bit of a patchetch (sorry Mom)
I’m still not sure how I’m on this earth.
If she goes on a second date with you, she is not dating you for your money. Would love to help you as soon as someone helps me with a $35,000.00 tuition bill. I have no pay pal account or mass of people to tap. Oh and no job either. Hatzlacha. No respect, I tell ya.
I am saving up for a car now myself, so I don’t have a ton of money, but I will help you out. :^) Thank you for providing us with this blog. I feel it is a force for good in the world. :^)
link is still broken. fix it and ill make a small donation. if all of your facebook friends gave you $5, you could buy a great car.
come on readers- $5 as a thank you is no biggie
Exactly, Anonymous! We should all help Heshy out. Anyways, the link is fixed now. Unless for some reason it worked for me but isn’t working for other folks. :^)
No I see why you like Kollel so much 🙂
If you got married first you could use her car.
Use this Singles Ad:
Drop-dead gorgeous SJM with hilarious sense of humor. Steady job. Seeking independent SJF with two cars/SUVs.
You should donate a penny to Kupat Ha’ir.
Have you tried it?
Amen.
I did it, and a Lamborghini showed up in my driveway the very next morning. Unfortunately, it was not the red color I had prayed for, but black and white.
Did the Gadol HaDor (whoever that may be) personally drive it to your house?
Link definitely not working, says FATAL ERROR (dramatic!)
Would like to donate but link is definitely not working at all. I shift-refreshed it to make sure it’s not cached and it’s still broken.
Everyone, if you enjoy the blog please consider donating something at least to show a vote of confidence for Heshy to continue this blog. I’ve had the chance to meet Heshy in Cali here one time. He seems like a great guy and is not making this up.
Blogging does not make you money, not really. Not for 90% of bloggers. And spamming things with ads will just drive us away and make this site not really usable. On top of that, Heshy spends a lot of time on this, and at some point if it costs more in time people just give up on blogs. I wouldn’t want that so I am going to donate.
PayPal “Donate” button on top right of the site is Working. So use that button please.
It’s the link on the bottom of this post that is broken for now.
Yes, the link on the top right does work – come on people, donate! Since so many people visit this blog, it does make a difference if we all donate even if it’s a small amount.
That’s the one I used! :^)
Sonei matanot yichye
??? Huh?
He who hates gifts will live
You’re lucky you aren’t a convert or a woman. I would never dare make such a comment but, if I did, I’m sure I would get bombarded with a bunch of, “stop bothering people” comments.
Stop bothering people anyway. You’re annoying.
HOLD ON JUST ONE SECOND HERE! Heshy Fried, do you edit names of commenters? I just got it…you sly bastard, you.
I don’t have money now, but I will soon, and I will send something then. I also have a massive tuition bill that I have to pay (my oldest is only 4).
Everybody else; cough up.
Are we sure this isn’t one of those scams? I got an email the other day that looked like it came from a friend saying he was stuck in London. Could this be the same kind of thing?
I was with Heshy last time his car broke down along the 101 (no blackberries to pick) and had to get towed. An upgrade is long overdue.
Mr. J, how can we be sure you’re not in on it?
It looks suspicious to me…
You could really make the money easily if you went to brooklyn.
All you’ld have to do is walk into all the shuls in the morning shaking a few dollar bills saying hachnoshos kallah as you walk by people and tizku l’mitzvos after they give you a quarter.
You could even dress up with a long coat and a hat. It helps with the revenues.
Clean shaven with a long coat and hasidic hat? That looks suspicious even to a non-Jew.
Once you’re at it, you might as well throw in a bow-tie and Tommy girl T-shirt. At this point it won’t change things. People might actually even be more sympathetic and shell out more.
Finally a funny post
This comment was pretty funny
Ooh, I think Heshy really is editing commenters names. This is a test. Let’s see if he changes mine. Hesh, I’m a mashgicha too! Only part-time though, and a substitute teacher with a kid in day school and a husband on disability. I’ll send you a couple of bucks though.
hey is this one of those instances where we can give ma’aser money? cuz if so, ill donate alot!
(Hate to do this to you Hesh)
No sorry, you can’t give ma’aser money for this.
I mean you can give tons of money, just don’t deduct it from ma’aser.
Yankel,
Why wouldn’t one be able to use maaser money for something like this? If one is needy enough to ask the public for donations, it ought to be OK.
How is Hesh any worse than a guy that shells out thousands to come here from Israel to bum money to marry off his kids or pay for his orthodontics?
Of course, no one is compelled to give, especially as it’s an online solicitation…
Yankel, keep in mind Maaser kesafim is according to almost all rishonim a minhag (albeit a nice minhag). Thus one is not required to give maaser at all. If one adopts this beautiful minhag it doesnt make sense to say “you cant give maaser money for this,” since you dont HAVE to give maaser at all
And of course Phil makes a good point
Your absolutely right that ma’aser is not 100% obligatory today, but there is a minhag to do it, and if you want to ‘fulfill’ the minhag – your money needs to be given to a ‘poor person’.
Since Anonny was asking about it, I figured I’d let him know what the deal is.
Phil, this that you say “it’s not different than the meshulach from Israel”, well who says you can give ma’aser to the guy if he can marry his kid off without you? I would imagine you can’t give it to meshulach either.
You definitely can’t give give meshulach your ma’aser for him to buy a car.
Don’t get me wrong here, I love hesh, and if I had the cash I’d probably give him a custom made Hesh-Mobile, but ma’aser is ma’aser.
Oh, and if the car is indeed a necessity which Hesh simply can’t manage without, and he doesn’t have savings to use, (including long term security savings or whatever), then of course you can give him your ma’aser. I was just assuming all along that it was only a matter of convienence.
Hesh, sorry for publicly analyzing your personal life like this, but welcome to the life of a celebrity:)
a. maaser even according to the phony halachos involved isnt only for poor people. Think lev leachim, yeshivos, hatzala and many other worthy casues to which klal yisroel gives their maaser money to
b. Heshy cant afford a car, and needs one that makes him poor.
Ok, the Rabbonim consider many people with ‘needs not being met’ to be ‘aniyim’.
I believe specifically the case you mentioned – LevL’achim – R’ Ovadia Yosef ruled you may give your ma’aser to them since they are aniyim in ruchniyos…
“b. Heshy cant afford a car, and needs one that makes him poor”
Like I said, any real need that one has and can’t afford, is called tzedaka, and ma’aser can be given for it. I was just assuming this was not the case.
Yankel,
Check with your rabbi to be 100% sure. Here is what the last weeks Rambam portion had to day about poor people:
A real poor person that has the right to take food from a communal pot is one that can’t afford 2 meals. One that can take money from a communal pot is one that can’t afford 14 meals. Hesh admitted that owning a car is a luxury for him, and I’m quite sure he doesn’t fall into any of the above mentioned categories. Still, maaser can be used for a number of causes that don’t fall under feeding the poor.
If you lived in Detroit, Heshy, you’d need a car just to survive! 😀
Ok, Hesh…You’re now $18 closer to getting some “new” wheels. This is also a thank-you to the many laughs you’ve given me over the years. Good luck, darling!
pardon my ignorance but doesnt heshy get paid by the advertisers who have several ads on this site?
Yes, but not enough to live off of (even with a job). He would need more traffic to bring in serious money.
Please donate… Heshy’s a good guy, eh tries to be funny and doesn’t afraid of anything.
It’s not letting me use my cc.
I give up.
What about getting connected to one of those survey things. I’m sure almost everyone here would be willing to take one here and there for good ol’ Hesh. If he can provide them with say 100 surveys taken a week, that might be worth something.
Another idea…
Maybe if there were other aspects to the site than just blogging, there could be a really decent amount of traffic coming through – hence more ads for Hesh, and higher prices for them.
What those aspects should be? Hey I can’t come up with everything myself.
we shud set up rabbis AND PRIESTS w lil boys. yea i know, bad humor. kill me.
i meant as a service on the site, have a database of boys and match em w sickos.
OK but we need someone to ultimately take the heat for it when we get shut down and arrested.
Keep in mind that this is not considered a “frum” site, and we won’t be protected by the frummies when the cops are after us. Remember? They don’t care about modern-O goyim.
Do you know any real life Butters?
Priests and Rabbis ONLY?!
Whatever happened to interfaith inclusion?!
We’ve all heard about the Imams and those madrassas …. We can call this all-inclusive service NAIBLA. The North American Interfaith Boy Love Association. ;^D
At long last, the secret to world peace
At long last! The secret to world peace
Exactly! All of the world’s diverse faiths can finally come together in outraged indignation instead of expressing outraged indignation towards each other. :^)
Why are you discriminating against little girls? Shouldn’t they be in on the fun too?
What about women? Can we hook them up with kids? They might pay more, women are usually more passionate about ideals…
Maybe NAIMWBGLA
North America Interfaith Men Women Boys and Girls Love Association
;^D Thumbs up to that!
just shorten it to NAILA: North American Interfaith Love Association.
I don’t know…
That sounds pretty tame to me. Like general love between religions.
How will everybody know what we’re really all about?
Hey, you should make it “International Interfaith Love/Hate Association”. That would TRULY make it all-inclusive. 😉
Sounds like Neilah, that would scare away the rabbis.
Sounds like Ne’ilah, that would scare away the rabbis.
When president bush had his new caddy delivered he asked what the hebrew lettering on the dash was. so he was told. we were told to make u an exact replica of the skvere rebbes car. we did
Anonymous, I am sorry, but I am 100% confused by your comment. LOL … :^) I have no doubt my comment stems entirely from my own ignorance, but please explain. :^)
Its not just you, I don’t get it either and I’m ffb.
Be warned, a lot of these meta jokes don’t necessarily make sense to anybody else, including those of us with knowledge of the frum world. Don’t delve too deeply, you may hurt your brain.
Hesh, I feel your pain, I really do. I started dating in 1989 when I was driving a 1980 Olds Omega with ratty old seats and no a/c. I didn’t want to date in the summer because the lack of a/c, when combined with the occasional need to put the heater on to avoid overheating, made dating downright embarrassing. Once in 1991 or ’92 I got stuck on the GW Bridge in NYC in terrible traffic on my way to pick up a girl in Monsey. It was a hot, humid day and the temp needle soon started to edge dangerously into the red zone. On went the heater, full blast. By the time I reached the girl’s house over an hour late (and there were no cell phones in those days, so I couldn’t call to tell her about what had happened to me), I looked like I had just spent 2 hours in a shvitz, with a suit on of course. When she opened the door, the Monsey girl took one look at me and shouted “Oh, my God!” and ran to get me a drink of water and a towel. (Maybe I should have married her. She obviously was kind and had good middos. Oh, well.)
Another time on a date, I had just parked and was getting out of the car when a nail that, unbeknownst to me, had popped through the seat fabric, snagged the back of my left pants leg and neatly sliced it open from buttock to shin. I spent the rest of the date trying to keep the girl on my right side so she wouldn’t see it. I eventually rented cars to avoid having to use the Olds on dates.
This kind of thing went on for years until 1994 when I convinced my mom that I needed a new car. I told her that just like I couldn’t date wearing a beat up old suit, I couldn’t date driving a beat up old car, especially considering how shallow most frum girls are and how they expect to be picked up in a Lexus or Infiniti at the minimum.
I leased a ’94 Nissan Altima and a year later, I was engaged. I’m not saying it was the car, but it didn’t hurt.
Hesh, I am a little short now with Yomim Noraim dues and yeshiva tuitions (4) coming due, but I will try to help out asap.
get a job!
Thank you R’ ayme, much appreciated.
Please be available so the United States ministry of finance can contact you for advice, as you seem so wise and learned.
You got my 18 bucks, dude. Its not much, but I hope it helps.
ok im very curious.
How much have you made?
I want my plaque dude…
would love to help but as i have already owned 3 cars and am still single i have to just say that a new car will not get you married. sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
Whoa did anyone get reciept??? what the Steven “Heshy” Fried???
the jig is up…
WHAT?! The receipt ~I~ got said Osama bin Jihad. Now we know what’s REALLY going on around here! ;^D
you think they wrote heshy on my birth certificate
according to the neo-cons its OBAMA bin Jihad
LOL!
I heard Jews aren’t supposed to date during Elul, maybe this is a sign from the big G now’s not the time.
Jews are always supposed to date. Including on Tisha B”Av. Tons of heterim for singles, haircuts during the omer, just get married already is the attitude.
Yeah, maybe, but I don’t feel that way. I don’t feel learned enough as a BT to not mess up my kids if I got married soon. Of course the longer I wait, the harder it will be to get married but I don’t want to settle either.
I also got rejected from the seminary I applied to earlier this year, so I’m trying to figure out where to apply next. :/
And dating might not be a good idea at this juncture when I don’t know what I want.
But clearly Heshy must know what he wants, so all the power to him.
“I don’t feel learned enough as a BT to not mess up my kids if I got married soon.”
If you mean by this that you’re not yet familiar with the basics, like kashrus and shabbos, then there are those who would agree with you and suggest that perhaps you wait a little.
But if you do know most of the major stuff and just have to fill in the details, then almost everyone would advise that you not wait, and learn on the job like everyone really. Even an FFB is constantly learning on the job. It’s impossible to know everything, and inevitably you constantly realize how to better and correct your previous way of doing things. That’s just how the life of a Jew is.
And by the way, there are many who would suggest that you try get married now even if you are indeed still learning the very basics.
“I don’t feel learned enough as a BT to not mess up my kids if I got married soon”
My guess is that you’re underestimating how much H-shem helps people along in your type of situation, where one is overturning the very foundations of their life for H-shem.
“And dating might not be a good idea at this juncture when I don’t know what I want”
This however is a very good point, and should be STRONGLY considered before getting into anything. Perhaps you should look for guidance specifically in this area, of realizing at least on a basic level what you’re looking for.
Next time your car starts overheating, turn on the heater. It will usually cool it down in seconds. Years ago, I was stuck in traffic on a scorching summer day, had the heater on full blast to make it home. Had to drive with half my body sticking out the window to breathe.
freaking idiots… all I can say if anyone actually gave him money then what an idiot
Nice replies in return of this difficulty with firm arguments and explaining all regarding that.