Random

Chosson Class Fail

By Heshy Fried ·

I just received the following message on Facebook:Weird stuff from chossen class I can’t bring myself to post this on FB: I learned that margarine can be used if no KY jelly is available. Thanks for your great work! I am sure others have heard similar weirdness, but what I really want to know is this – unless you have issues with producing vaginal juices – who the eff needs lube when they are newlyweds? I don’t know, just seems that two people madly in love would have no use for lubrication.

FYI: Conditioner works great too…now I can’t help but think about making Hollandaise out of said margarine.

The FrumSatire Archive chosson classfrummieskallah classsex

Letters to the Editor 58 letters since 2011

  1. If someone is taking a Chassan class, I’m guessing there is some probability that his wife is a virgin. Maybe not, but I’m guessing. The lubrication will help during the first few times when/if it’s not easy going and make sex less painful. Although the teacher is wrong about margarine (that could give the woman a serious infection), a lubrication sold at a pharmacy would be very thoughtful during a woman’s first time, especially if she is, and I’m guessing she usually is, nervous. Also, are they always madly in love when they get married? And even if they are, the first time (and even subsequent times) can still require some assistance. But I’m not a doctor, just a woman.

    Reply

  6. He’s confusing “Love” and “Lust”. “Love” has nothing to do with lubrication. Skip the lube altogether and go down on her.

    I can just picture the chossen trying to shove a stick up margarine up his new wife’s box. Ew.

    Reply

      1. Um…what? I’m sure that was an novice chossen not understanding how to use ‘maritial aids’ allusion.

        Reply

      2. My use of the word “shove” was in no way, shape, or form designed to imply “without consent”. It meant to imply “with complete and utter cluelessness”.

        Reply

      1. Nuran,

        Perfectly legal according to talmud & Rambam aka “Shelo kedarka” (my 2nd choice for a screen name).

        Reply

        1. Even if it’s permitted it’s a custom of the idolatrous goyim. We shouldn’t do it because people might think Jews are idolators.

          Reply

  11. When you are first married or in a relationship there is that can’t-take-my-hands-off-you phase. (Not that I know personally, of course, but I’ve heard). Even the most in love people can need a bit of extra slippery help because they are shalom baising like bunnies and eventually get sore. (A really, really good kind of sore…so I heard).

    Margarine and/or conditioner are poor choices – she will end up with a kidney or bladder infection. (A lot of honeymooners have the infection problem without adding weird substances.)

    Reply

    2. It’s called “Honeymoon Cystitis”. Not fun.

      Lubrication isn’t the problem there. It’s bacteria getting pushed up the short female urethra into the bladder.

      Reply

      1. You are correct; however, adding strange mediums for bacteria to grow in makes them more plentiful and thus more likely to get pushed somewhere to cause unpleasantness.

        All women should add cranberry juice or supplements to their diet during that initial ‘honeymoon’ phase. The kallah/chossen teachers ought to mention that!

        Reply

  12. Dry vagina is not uncommon, even among young women. You ever notice how you get cotton-mouth and dry eyes from smoking weed. Some women get the same effect downstairs (crudely known as “cotton-c***).

    That said, margarine is not acceptable for use with condoms… only a water-based lube like KY Jelly.

    Reply

    1. Danny,

      I don’t think weed smoking is part of the chosson / kalla courses, they never mentioned anything about the munchies or dry eyes when I was taking the classes.

      Reply

  13. I always thought you were not a virgin, but now i am starting to think otherwise.
    Some chicks dont need lube ever, some will need it even if they super turned on…

    Reply

    1. That’s a porn movie move, which most women HATE! Would you like to be spit on? Does that get you hot? Ugh!

      Reply

    2. youre watching too much porn, normal human beings dont do that.
      from your name you want to portray an 11 incher.
      get married and realistic.

      Reply

    3. Ugh! That’s a p*rn movie move, which most women HATE! Does getting spit on get you hot? Nasty!

      Heshy, how about opening up the forum section for discussions on “What your kallah/chossen teacher won’t tell you – but you really need to know.” (No spitting on or buttering your partner being first on the list!)

      Also, there’s some sort of comment eating blog gremlin afoot.

      Reply

      1. I was kidding about the the spitting, based on an old Greek line. “Sticking without spitting” in Greece is considred “screwing” someone.

        Anyhow, the forum seems to be down since at least 1 year, I wonder if anyone else has been able to access it…

        Reply

        2. why would u agree with the aforementioned moron. dont kowtow to stupidity. stick with your initial opinion. dont let dummies sway you.

          Reply

          1. Custard,

            Some women may enjoy spit, I’m guessing most don’t. Just as some women are perfectly happy to go for a quicky in a bathroom stall, others need a more romantic setting.

            I guess you could always spit directly into the bullseye if you’re going down, but I don’t suggest hockin up a big glob out loud :0

          2. Most actually do. No of course this is not a glob, gob or any form of tobacco or guttural spitting. There’s sexy lubricating spit and there’s gross spit.
            Every healthy woman is ok for the bathroom quickie some of the time. Romantic setting is more about personalization than actual setting.

          3. Most actually do. No of course this is not a glob, gob or any form of tobacco or guttural spitting. There’s s8xy lubricating spit and there’s gross spit.
            Every healthy woman is ok for the bathroom quickie some of the time. Romantic setting is more about personalization than actual setting.

          4. Custard,

            I’d venture to say most frum women with kids will turn down the bathroom quicky 99 times out of 100.

            Newlyweds are a very different story, “sholom baising” anywhere, anytime. I guess they don’t have to worry about kids asking why daddy is pounding mommy on the kitchen table 🙂

      2. you’re a moron. most people actually enjoy the spitting thing. its not porn related but rather they spit for practical purposes as spitting is hotter than watching someone use lube.

        Reply

      3. you’re a moron. most people actually enjoy the spitting thing. its not p8rn related but rather they spit for practical purposes as spitting is hotter than watching someone use lube.

        Reply

          1. Few things I can say I know better about and this is one. You’re wrong. We can childishly go back n forth but in the end you’ll still be wrong.

          3. Custard, it looks like you have one or more excellent actresses on your hands if you think women enjoy this.

  15. I know y’all are joking around, but a little (water-based) lubricant goes a long way, no matter your level of experience. No food products, please. I really hate diagnosing some version of crotch rot, etc. And yes, I am a gynecologist.

    Reply

    1. Eemamd,

      Pure (virgin) coconut oil works real well, in addition to being healthy to consume, it even helps fight yeast infections. Then again, most people are more likely to have lubes than coconut oil in their homes.

      BTW, I’m not a gynecologist, but I’m always willing to have a closer look 😉 🙂

      Reply

    1. Ack! If you’re not supposed to eat them, due to germs, then they don’t belong…er…other places either!

      Reply

Write a letter to the editor

Random