So I’m sitting at this Rabbis table one week and he’s got some guests and all of kids are sitting at the table and he busts out this Niddah question that almost made me spit my food out.
Guy who obviously just started on the whole niddah thing: So Rabbi my wife can’t get to the mikvah on Tuesday, can she go a day early on Monday?
Rabbi: Uh, that’s not really possible, he looks exasperated kind of like a dog who just realized he’s getting carried away with the current.
Rabbis Wife: Oh shit, what do I do, I don’t want to offend him – doing the niddah thing is a bitch already…help!!!
Niddah Guy: Well I don’t understand why she can’t just go in the river?
Rabbi: The river is complex, we uh-uh, shouldn’t talk about this now
Rabbis Wife: sweat beads forming on the few hairs poking out of hair snood
Rabbi: Maybe we should discuss this in private?
Niddah Guy: I swear to God the guy has no idea what’s so private about the niddah thing, he looks like he’s taking it in stride, but I’m sure he’s taking to the bottle every night.
I’m a little confused here: is the conversation here actually true?
The “Rabbi’s wife” talks like that? (e.g. profanity) I’m also having a little trouble understanding this part:
“Rabbi: Uh, that’s not really possible, he looks exasperated kind of like a dog who just realized he’s getting carried away with the current.”
Was there a typo, or did the Rabbi actually say all this?
Idiot. There’s a reason that women are only allowed to go at night, and men aren’t.
This actually reminds me of something secular that has been bugging me lately. Where I live, there is a big outpatient health center (it’s affiliated with a larger, in-patient hospital a few miles away), that contains about 100 different medical offices, rehab facilities, etc. And one of the largest offices in the building is labeled bigger than anything else is labeled: The Breast Center. All they do in that wing of the building is mammograms and breast exams. And all throughout the building you see signs with arrows pointing “To The Breast Center.” (There are no big signs like that for any other office in the building. Just that one. So, if you’re walking through the building, and someone sees you following those signs, they know that you’re about to go have your breasts handled. And I hate that! You know, my dad had radiation therapy for prostate cancer in that same building, and there’s no indication at all as to what room that might have been in. The prostate is considered a secondary sex organ in men, in much the same way that breasts are in women. And certainly, if you combine prostate cancer and testicular cancer, they are at least as common, if not more so, than breast cancer. So, has anyone ever seen a giant “Prostate-Testicle Center”. Nope. Doubt you can even imagine it. So unfair. So what does this have to do with Heshy’s story? Not much, except that I think that it’s pretty common in our culture for that which is private to be put on public display when it comes to women’s bodies.
That’s because women’s bodies are considered to be public property in a way that men’s aren’t.
feminists made breast cancer a cause celeb and forced it into public. Men aren’t intrested and would rather not hear about it – so they were accused of neglecting women and victimizing us with cancer. If you don’t like it, complain to “women’s health advocates” who campaign for end silence and shame.
And men made soft shmekele another one, driving the rhinoceros to near extinction and getting mycoxafailin and its chemical cousins covered by every health plan while birth control isn’t.
In drug trials men’s physiology is considered “normal”. Women are often not studied at all, especially older women.
And so on.
Don’t start this. You really don’t want to be there when it finishes.
I have no idea what you are talking about A Nuran. You are ridiculously aggressive, it is really obnoxious. :-/
lol…..My chavrusah always says that he doesn’t understand why if it’s said in Hebrew or Aramaic its ok….(learn some of the yeshiva Masehchtas to see what I mean)
At the very least the kids will study their Hebrew and Aramaic harder so they can understand the obviously fascinating forbidden adult conversations 🙂
The real question is….why are you such a dumb arse
Maybe this post would be a little funnier if it was written using proper grammar? I think I figured the post out, but without the use of punctuation it is a bit confusing to tell when one of the people in the scene is thinking or speaking or *facial expression/action*
Got me confused as well (see my earlier post)
Ha Ha! I have sat at a few tables like these. LOL!
Actually – I will tell you this: My rabbis two eldest children were 2 and 3-1/2. They asked everyone, “Do you have a Yiddish pee pee or a Bris pee pee?” then continued with, “Mama has a yiddish pee pee, Tatti has a bris pee pee, Tante has a yiddish pee pee………” and on they went.
That was a hilarious night as there were some yeshiva kids there. These young men had learned to avoid being touched by a woman by leaning so far away when I was taking their soup bowl you would have thought I had leprosy.
+1 :^D …. But did you mean the kids or the yeshiva guys “had learned to avoid being touched by a woman”? I assume you meant the yeshiva guys?
I’ve never understood why it’s better for kids to use baby talk words and not use the proper names even into adulthood. There’s nothing dirty or shameful about using the correct terms or having a clear understanding of how their bodies work. I’m not advocating instructional pornography for six year olds. And children don’t need to be involved in adult discussions about yichud a hundred different things.
A C. Everett Koop kind of honesty leads to a healthy relation to one’s body and better decisions down the line. And probably happier marriages when the time comes.
I wish we could all just talk about these things. I know it’s not modest, but what’s the big deal??
“I know it’s not modest, but what’s the big deal??”
Huh?
Not being modest IS a big deal.
Babylonian Talmud, tractate Shabbat, page 33A, 13 lines from bottom:
Rabbi Chanan bar Raba taught:
Everyone knows why a bride enters the chupah to become married, but if anyone perverts his speech by actually speaking about it, then even if [the heavenly court] had sealed a favorable decree of 70 years for him, they will reverse it and decree evil for him instead.
There’s modesty and modesty. There are certain things that are inappropriate for conversation with the kids. We probably agree on most of those.
There are certain things it’s just inappropriate to say. It’s certainly possible to have a decorous, matter-of-fact discussion about these matters which isn’t smutty or perverted. One has to weigh the possible breach of modesty, which has always had a very flexible definition, against the increase in the happiness and comfort of the couple. We probably disagree about the exact boundaries in that broad middle ground, but you get the idea 🙂
Yes, there’s a lot a girl might talk about with an older sister, an aunt, the rebbetzin or a married friend that she wouldn’t or shouldn’t with a male relative or the rabbi. You and I as men would probably be shocked nearly to death at what women talk about in confidence.
There are times and topics for a good sit-down with another couple. If the questions touch on religious matters it could well be the rabbi and his wife. It can prevent or clear up a lot of things before they become problems. Not just the yichud matters, all sorts of adult stuff. Lord knows I’ve benefited from that sort of talk and have done some little good passing on the advice later.
Reply must have hit the bad words filter. Expect it to arrive later…
its uncomfortable
what kind of half ass post is this??? I still dont understand the last niddah guy sentence you wrote.
where do these peoples sentences end and your comments begin? how about a little this — “blah blah blah”…quotations
that’s just wrong…PERIOD
Oh ha ha…
Man, High Times is better punctuated than this.
All women menstruate you know, it is totally natural. What disgusts me is the idea women are dirty and untouchable and have to be purified. Maybe Niddah Guy is mature and not sexually dysfunctional and disgusted by women’s bodies – he must be bt.
Anyway, listen, when you’ve been married for a while and witnessed the miracle of childhood nothing will embarrass you. 🙂
All women menstruate you know, it is totally natural. What disgusts me is the idea women are dirty and untouchable and have to be purified. Maybe N*ddah Guy is mature and not se*ually dysfunctional and disgusted by women’s bodies – he must be bt.
Anyway, listen, when you’ve been married for a while and witnessed the miracle of childbirth nothing will embarrass you. 🙂
I would assume you think that it’s also distorted thinking which leads humans to relieve themselves only in private.
Gosh, you’d think these people are under impression that they’re the only ones who ever used the restroom!
A mature and s*xually functional individual like yourself will apparantly have no problem squatting right in the middle of Grand Central Station.
(Come to think of it, that might have been you I saw the police carrying out the other day.)
What disgusts you my friend, is nothing other than your own ignorance.
Using terms like “dirty” and “untouchable” out of their true context just to push your agenda (that Judaism contains false beliefs) is pretty lame.
Relations between a man and wife durring certain times of a woman’s cycle are forbidden according to the Torah. As the generations passed and the dedication to the Torah weakened, the Rabbis saw it necessary to add stringencies to assure that these commandments would be kept.
No-one is “dirty”. Nobody is “untouchable”.
This is the Torah we recieved.
It’s from G-d himself.
It doesn’t need anybody’s approval.
“A mature and s*xually functional individual like yourself will apparantly have no problem squatting right in the middle of Grand Central Station.
(Come to think of it, that might have been you I saw the police carrying out the other day.)”
You are totally proving my point. N*ddah guy wasn’t publicly menstruating, he didn’t leak menstrual blood on the dinner table. This is a hygeine issue. He only mentioned the word ‘n*ddah’. You were created frrom your mothers womb, how sad you compare yourself with sh-t. 🙁
The “context” you are talking about is hatred fear and envy of women and nature. Women control and give life, Judaism is just a lame substitute for disconected and hysterical men.
And God does need my approval if he wants me to obey him, he does not get it – lucky he doesn’t exist. 🙂
Ok, what I said obviously went right over your head, so lemme break it down for you.
You said “All women menstruate you know, it is totally natural. What disgusts me is the idea women are dirty and untouchable and have to be purified”.
The fact that something is natural and everyone experiences it, doesn’t make it ok to discuss publicly.
If you think the only reason not to be public about something is due to dysfunctional thinking, then you could have been the GCS guy.
He did not just mention the word “Nidda” in passing, he opened a very specific quesion about a woman immersing so she can be with her husband, which was inappropriate to do in public, especially with kids there.
“The “context” you are talking about is hatred fear and envy of women and nature. Women control and give life, Judaism is just a lame substitute for disconected and hysterical men.”
I don’t even know what to say to this. I hope this is a joke.
If not, I now have a new insight on the extent of paranoia.
“And G-d does need my approval if he wants me to obey him, he does not get it – lucky he doesn’t exist”
Uh, you realize that your reasoning assumes it’s conclusion…
And to be correct,
1) He’s G-d and your human, and he created you. He does NOT need your approval. Do you ok everything with your 2 year old? Multiply that by infinity, and you haven’t even got to a drop in the ocean.
2) He’s G-d. You have to obey him regardless of your comprehension of or agreement with his commandments.
3) Are you even Jewish?
God didn’t create me, my mother’s ova created me, her uterine lining nurtured me. I can create life and you can’t, so you need to invent god. Respect the power of the pum.
3- this kind of thing is the reason I’m not any more and neither are the little lifes I created. 🙂
“He did not just mention the word “Nidda” in passing”.
True, he didn’t refer to blood at all, he just mentioned going to the mikveh. If the kids were too young to have heard about se* they wouldn’t know what he was talking about. As far as I remember I never knew or bothered to ask why women went and didn’t realize the laws of niddah had anything to do with s*x until I was old enough to attend a grown-up dinner party. But kids should know about s*x, that is how they were made.
You compared talking about something related to 1 thing with actually doing a different incomparabe thing, how is your logic?? Menstrual blood is not comparable with sh*t. Moreover sh*tting in public is not the same as discussing lavatory paper, discussing going to mikveh is not the same as menstruating in public. So disscussing going to mikveh is not comparable with sh*tting in public. It is illogical! Also offensive.
I was rude to imply ffb jews are s*xually dysfunctional, that was just a joke really. I didn’t mean it personally or expect you to prove it. not my problem if you want to observe primative taboos, but it is unhealthy and sad you can’t talk openly about s*x and reproduction. 🙁
There’s definitely a lot of taboos on the subject. Our tribal ones are a lot like those of other peoples in that time and place. But it isn’t just Bronze Age types who are like that. Plenty of modern, educated, urbanized people have strong (negative) emotions about the periodic redecoration of the pre-nursery. I’ve got to say I got over a lot of that within a year of being married, but plenty don’t.
Icky, scary female magic that will make your manliness disappear.
Lots of men from the completely secular to the very pious won’t even go to the store if unmentionable female supplies are on the shopping list.
As for #3, according to the religious authorities your kids are members of the Tribe whether you count yourself or not. Kind of like saying “I’m not actually French. The last twenty generations of my family were from there. May kids were born in Paris, but that passport isn’t real.”
as for #3 technically my kids are but I’m determined I’m not. We are raising them as far away from Jewishness as possible culturally + geographically. I hope they will not grow up to rebel and become annoying bt or heeb-magazine hipsters, ffbs are less annoying! 😛
My family lived in france for some generations, I completely reject this heritage too. but I sometimes feel nostalgic..
“Lots of men from the completely secular to the very pious won’t even go to the store if unmentionable female supplies are on the shopping list. ”
LOL I don’t get that at all, do they think the shopkeeper will think they are buying for themselves?? what do they think a man would do with tampx except give them to his wife? :-/
I once asked the Rabbi’s wife (in a group of women-NO men) if bj’s were kosher. You should have seen all the ladies turn beet red! LOL! I was new to the whole frum thing, and now that I know better I am mortified I even asked the question, but looking back on it, I still laugh! (FYI, the answer was no! LOL!)
Whats a bj?
I have no clue what a BJ is. Can someone explain?
Is it like a store? Bj’s wholesale club? Why would she turn red for that?!?
Never mind, I found it. BJ stands for blowjob.
Whenever I don’t know a word and it sounds like slang, I look it up in a slang dictionary.
http://onlineslangdictionary.com/definition+of/bj
Brown Jammies
he he
Q. Why does a Jewish bride smile when she walks down the isle?
A. She knows she has given her last . .
Bacon Jambalaya. Completely treif.
Like many others above me. I couldn’t really follow without deciphering what you meant rather than what you wrote.
What happened to that editor of yours?
Did you actually say “bj” , “oral sex on a man” or “fellatio”? “bj” is kind of crude. Anyhow, my kids think it is hilarious because I refer to things by their actual name, and I hate slang. A “V” is a “V”, a “P” is a “P”, a testicle is not a ball, a breast is not a boob.
A right wing Rabbi told me of a Ba’al teshuva couple that actually got a heter so that the man could perform oral sex on the woman as she liked it and that was part of their reportoire, so to speak.
No, I didnt use the term bj! I was much more polite than that. My actual question was if it was kosher to swallow. I know, I know. Totally uncalled for. But I was really curious. And we were all friends…..
I would not say it was “totally uncalled for”, but perhaps it was in too public a forum. From a Halachic standpoint, it a totally fair question to ask. In fact, if you don’t know, then you have an obligation to ask.
Absolutely. A serious question should be asked. And an honest one deserves an honest reply.
wow what a bunch of idots. a bj is a blowjob
Thanks for the helpful info. I wanted to see how many posts this one would get.
@the new face of frumkeit
Not everyone is as exposed as you. I consider that a positive.
I Agree completely with BiggestFish, as my post from yesterday confirms.
I think it is great that there are still people around today who didn’t know what the acronym “BJ” was. It is not to my merit that I have had that information in my head since I was a kid.