Once in a while I ask for post ideas on Facebook and someone actually has a good idea, rarely does this happen, it’s almost as if asking for ideas reinforces the belief that I actually have good ideas to write about because it seems most people can’t really come up with anything. So what’s the deal with kiddush hoverers?
This isn’t going to be a long post, it’s more of a public service announcement to tell the people who stand around a kiddush table without holding a plate or moving along need to get the heck out of the way. Kiddush is one of the most important Jewish events, it holds communities together and you just go on blabbing with your friend about her apple cobbler/kugel thing that she made last night, while everyone wonders why the people in front of the Italian dressing pasta salad are just standing around doing nothing.
Kiddush hoverers tend not to realize their crimes, that is why I’m taking my precious time to send this message to you bunch of spaced out fools. I’ve tried to push hoverers out of the way, but it always seems that they are stronger than me, holding their ground without even realizing. I don;t actually push them, but I do one of those shoulder taps to warning them that I am going to rudely squeeze between them with a plate of food that may get all over their shabbos clothing if they don;t shut up and start eating, moving along or getting out of the way.
There are other peaveful ways to combat the problem of kiddush hovering. One of the issues that one should notice is that hoverers don’t prepare for attack soon enough, so sometimes they are stuck in the middle of the table without anyway of getting a plate – I have overcome this by yelling across the room for whoever is closest to the plate stack to pass me a plate, but kiddush non-intentional kiddush hoverers are usually too nice, they just zone out and wonder later on where on earth all the luction kugel went.
It;s really the intentional kiddush hoverers that piss me and everyone else off, the people who think they are being couth (I made up the word from uncouth) by waiting for the rabbi to make kiddush, but really you’re all just being pain in the rear. Most of the people I know wait for the rabbi, but we wait for the rabbi while we plan our mode of attack, we don;t just wait for the rabbi to make kiddush until we get our plates and backup plates if you’re a kiddush expert like myself – because I never trust flimsy plates and I would rather have a strong plate base than save the environment one plate at a time.
So it’s high time for you tell your friendly, spaced out non-intention and well intentioned kiddush hoverers to move the heck out of the way or else you will fling the sephardic cholent on them (spehardic cholent is usually more watery and the chickpeas contained within it will fly farther and faster than oddly shaped potatoes or meat chunks – basically sephardic cholent is more threatening in the stain department.)
totally agree with this article, kiddish hoverers annoy me every single shabbos! especially the ones who fill their plate, and then stand there at the table right in front of the cholent, eating it, so no one else can get any. one point though, sephardic cholent is not usually more watery, it depends on how you make it. but yes i agree that it is more threatening, because of the spices that leave permanent stains.
Great post & so true!
While I never was a kiddush hoverer in the sense of blocking food, I used to be one of the first to get to the table so I was poised to take food as soon as kiddush was made. I moved off as soon as I got my food, but still.
About 5 years ago, I changed my habits, more for health purposes than anything else. I’ll usually hang out at the side of the kiddush room for 10 minutes or so talking and then gradually make my way to the food tables after the feeding frenzy has already taken place. Yeah, there’s sometimes no potato kugel left, but since hot greasy potato kugel is a big weakness of mine, it’s healthier for me if it’s gone.
This way I eat healthier, and it’s also healthier socially. No one likes to shmooze with someone who’s shoveling chulent in their mouths while they talk to you.
Doesn’t anybody know the cholent/kugel rule of “Take-take-pass”?
I detest kiddish hoverers as much as I detest the shul fist fighters. We have one in our shul who fits both descriptions. He cuts the line and plants himself in front of the best stuff on the kiddush tables. Nobody says anything because the guy is about a foot taller than the average guy in my shul. If someone hovers around the sushi,chulent, potato kugel, meatballs,or herring tables he would bark at them to move. Double dippers should be banned from kiddush. They could be adults or children who dip vegetables in dressing take a bite and dip again. That is vile. Kids who pick up a cookie and bite into them and put them back should be banned, as well. Philo has it right.
When it’s a “mixed” kiddush and the men hover over the tables, oblivious to the “please moves” from the women who are too polite and/or frum to elbo them… my pet peeve along with more tables and chairs only for men.
Just make sure you’re properly dressed and don’t elbow him in the face. Two layers of cloth should be enough for modesty.
I hate it when there are not enough toilets for the women and the men hardly use theirs.
Regarding Sephardi ‘cholent’ or hamin, as I call it – the chick peas, if holding on to a bit of cooked tomato, can really fly and burn. Excellent for moving the kiddush hoverers out of the way if you can find any bare skin to lob them at.
I agree with the stain factor of 10. It is the tumeric and mustard seed that really will mess up a white shirt for good.
this has nothing to do with kiddush hovering but once i accidentally spilled cholent on a yekke. lubavitchers you can spill cholent on, you could even vomit cholent on a chabadnik. don’t try your luck with a yekke.
I feel for you
he was actually pretty cool about it though. got a bit huffy, but didn’t do anything crazy.
LOL~
Hey the ‘alter von kelem’ would say that it Is avak gzeileh ..
is very upset that while you people are feasting, all i ever got a S.S. shul was soda poundcake and cookies! wud up wit dat??
FYI, couth is a word. Don’t be uncouth; look it up!
I do notice that when many old women are there and everyone is hungry, there is a mad rush of bubbies followed by a united shoving
“Ah Blintzkrieg!”
yaaa couth is a word.