Guest post from brand a new blogger who goes the name Blox Populi
Not because I’m jealous. While I’m not married, I’m also not really looking at the moment, so I don’t resent your evident success at life. And it’s not because I find the concept annoying. In point of fact, I think it’s a fantastic idea! As my friends and I have graduated from yeshiva and college and grown up and moved across the world, it’s become impossible for us to keep up with everyone. So when I hear that so-and-so is engaged, naturally, the first place I turn to is OnlySimchas.
Which is why it’s such a shame the site sucks. Now, I don’t really know if a similar website exists in the secular world, and if so, whether the problem afflicts all of humanity, or whether the trouble is endemic to the Jewish community, but the people who leave mazel tovs are the banes of my existence. I mean it. I hate them with a passion bordering on the insane. And I am completely certain, although I have not taken even an informal survey of any rigor whatsoever, that the fault lies with girls.
If somebody tells me that an old yeshiva friend, say Yaakov Fine, is engaged, I am, as the ray of sunshine I strive to be, very happy for him. “That’s great,” I will think. “I am full of goodwill and well-wishery.” If I remember, the next time I am in front of my computer, I will try and leave him a message communicating the above thought. One phrasing I am particularly fond of is “Mazel Tov!” An oldie, but a goodie.
Imagine my dismay, however, when I find the new couple’s page on OnlySimchas. The ten comments that are already there are all along the lines of:
“OMGGGGGG!!!!!!! Mazel ToVvVVVVVVvvvV! [Translation of random pasuk from Tehillim in a combination of Hebraic and Cyrillic script]!!!!!! You should be zocheh to build a bayis ne’eman b’YisrEal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!! !!!!!??? ??&&^%%$$# OMG You’re so lucky!!!!!!!!! With gratitude to Hashem Yisborach!!!!!! Can’t wait to dance at your wedding!!!????!!!! I luv you so muchhhhhh. [Then there usually follow a bunch of acronyms that I cannot quite follow, but that my little sister employs with abandon; as far as I can tell, the intent of them is to communicate various kinds of platonic hugs, kisses, and various and sundry other displays of sisterly affection].
These are invariably left by all the Miris and Chavis and Ruthies and Dvoris and Tzipis, etc. so I know whose fault it is. And, girls, don’t think you’re fooling anyone because after you got married you officially got yourself a “joint” OnlySimchas account for you and your husband. Everyone knows it’s just you.
Now don’t get me wrong, girls, I applaud the sentiment. I do. It’s just that it’s not a sentiment I can physically express. I just can’t. I am literally incapable of expressing those emotions. (I’m pretty sure I’m incapable of even having these emotions. Granted, I have the emotional range of a fruit fly, so I represent an extreme case. Still, I think it’s a difference of degree rather than kind.) The above sample was very tiring on me even to fake. I had to actually go to OnlySimchas and find some actual posts for inspiration. You’ll notice I left out emoticons and failed to repeat everything three times (is that a lucky number for you guys, or something?) because I (also) lack the ability to do that sort of thing in Microsoft Word.
And it makes me look bad, to be frank. Very bad. Now my measly little “Mazel Tov!”, once so cheerful-sounding to my apparently tin ear, will come out as mealy-mouthed and begrudging. “I hope you and your cursed union rot in the fiery bowels of hell!” I might as well be saying. And that’s really not the effect I was going for. I want to be invited to the reception, after all.
And, honestly, what’s the point of all this exuberance? Are you really this enthused? Then why don’t you call them up and communicate your feelings to them verbally? And if you’re not that kind of friend, maybe you should respect some lower consonant-to-exclamation mark ratio? Sincerity isn’t measured by the amount of asterisks in a sentence. Ever seen a headstone with an emoticon?
OMGGGG!!!@#$% Chanie, you were the gr8est person ever!!!!! So sad you’re gone 🙁 🙁 :-(, but hapy to hve known you!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 {:-)!
Didn’t think so.
So, a plea. Rein it in. Curb your enthusiasm. Let us sentimentally-deprived have a chance to give our good-wishes to the happy couple or new parents or proud owners. Think of all the extra energy you’ll save for texting.
If you are a blogger new or old who needs some attention and would like to have your post featured here, send me an email to frumsatire@gmail.com , I don’t take them all and will tell you if I will post it or not.
I like. Very impressive.
Maybe there should be a mechitza on only simchas, so us “get to the point” people don’t have to see all the posts dripping with OMGness.
I guess one would say its a miracle when someone gets engaged in light of the ” Shidduch Crisis”. It also must be exciting to hear that someone is finally tying the knot after being in the singles scene for 10 years. Honestly though, if you find onlysimchas to be irritating then why do you look at that site? I personally find that website to be cheesy but I read the mazal tov comments for my own amusement. I liked it when people would make the time to call you or wish you a mazal tov in person. It seems like we’re lucky if people could spare 2 minutes to share their sentiments online. What if someone were to develop a website for tragedies that occur within the Jewish communities? If it comes to that, then people will no longer feel bothered to pay a shivah call. I figured that there would be no room for cheesy exclamations when dealing with someone’s personal loss.
I’m not saying that being single is a tragedy. People should not flaunt their marriages in front of their single friends. Been there done that. It rather seems pathetic for singles in their 30’s and 40 partying at bars or clubs all the time.Engaging in premarital sex fearing that you will never have that experience doesn’t help matters either.But that’s their business. I understand that some people lost their interest to settle down and commit. A married person looking at it from the outside will likely to give his/her input. This doesn’t mean that single ( and the married ) people can’t have a social outlet. But we got to elevate from that milestone at some point. From the perspective of a married person,how are people suppose to think that you seriously want to date if you are always clubbing? We try setting our single friends up but it seems likes most of them don’t want to make any effort whatsoever.And then you resent us married folk for moving on with our lives. You even take it a step further to complain how we are not looking out for you.
Great Post!
(I could’ve been creative with that comment, but I think the above expression says it all. No need for individuality via written expression, by means of commenting… Though I do agree with the “if you’re that excited, why not tell them in person or on the phone” method of communication over long and drawn out annoying OMG LOLness.”)
Seriously dude?! It pisses u off? I’m wondering that if people leaving comments on their friends announcements irks u, then how do u live with urself…how do u walk down the street without feeling a need to stap everyone u see, because the world out there is psychotic!
Ur trying to make a valid point I get it, but wrong case…
People enjoy when their frends leave a comment like that! It shows they have friends , and people who are excited for them. I think you are looking at it with a whole point of view. Ask yourself, before u sat down to write this, what kind of mood were you in? Yah do realize it is girls just doing what girls do. ** read the last sentance picturing dr. Cox from scrubs yelling that** anyways. Peace.
I am and shall remain,
Idiedtryin
This post is only like 10 years too late. What’s next, a post on this awesome new website – Myspace?
my favorite posts, seen all too often are the “i dont know you but …” or “remember camp blah blah- go seniors 98!”. seriously, if you dont know them or its been that long, just read the engagement, think “thats nice” and move on with your day!
But does it actually BOTHER u? Like who really cares, if people are ecstatic!
Let em be!
>Like who really cares, if people are ecstatic!
Let em be!
A) I doubt they’re really that ecstatic.
B) They’re making me look bad
>It shows they have friends , and people who are excited for them.
Which is kind of sad.
>I think you are looking at it with a whole point of view.
Yes, that often happens when I look at things.
>Yah do realize it is girls just doing what girls do.
Yes, and I’m asking them to stop.
This disease is not just a Jewish girl thing–it exists, particularly amongst teenage girls, in general America as well. I remember absolutely hating pep-rallies in high school (usually in our gymnasium, involving the football players running around like idiots, cheerleaders, and the announcement of the homecoming king and queen). Inevitably the homecoming queen would be some absolute bitch of a human being, or at least hang out with the biggest bitches in class. The degree of shrieking you would hear at these events, however, would be enough to turn a sane man homicidal. High school was filled with fake hugs, and false sentimentality. When I went to med school, it was more subtle, but still there: typically the fashionistas in our class (yes there are those types even in med school), would be all about the fake hugs at social events, and kissing each other on both cheeks. What the hell are we–French!!
Disease?
Its making u look bad?
Do u feel guilty?
I don’t think anyone who just got engaged really looks so much into wat u wrote. The world does not revovle around u…
Vox:
Nicely done.
I’ve always enjoyed your comments on DovBear. Best of luck with your own blog…
ef
I like really liked this essay.
:-)))))
Does only simchas take same-sex wedding announcement?
Funny!
I agree with you, if i ever go on a murderous rampage it’ll be at those IP addresses. I can show you some of the worst ones you’ve ever seen. Girls seriously post their life stories on those walls, as if that’s the place you reconnect by pouring your heart out to the person ur about to lose as a friend (most likely, thats life). I don’t understand the malfunctioned caps lock key either.
What’s a real shame is that these same maidels who censor their entire life from anything fun and meaningful so they can find that prize shidduch full of blessed personality are the same ones who forgot that their real names are on onlysimchas making sure we clearly know who not to date. Think before you post that mushy life encyclopedia because I have yet to find someone hot who does that.
I just had a futuristic vision where frum girl life was divided between the have’s and have nots. The have nots are the ones who post on walls, and the have’s are the ones who have walls. Be careful.
I think you definitely were the vox populi with this post.
Although, it’s fairly obvious why girls do it and not guys. Girls feel pressured to have this real emotional bond and love for each other, so they feel guilty not having it (they may even be a little, gasp, jealous). So they fake more emotion. Eventually, everyone realizes what the new fake expressions are and they have to overdo that too. Speed it up till now, where we have 23 year olds talking like 4th graders.
Guys, on the other hand, don’t have that pressure in the first place. In fact, it’s considered manly not to have it.
Yes, we all noticed that the “MAZEL TOV !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I AM SOOOOOOO EXCITEDDDDDDDD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!”
messages were silly and ubiquitous to the point of being self
parodies, HOWEVER , if you really want to see human beings
getting idiotically excited to excess, turn on your TV any night
of the week at 11:30PM and watch the reception David Letterman
or Jay Leno (or any other “talk show host”) gets from their
audiences night after night after night after night.
I mean, REALLY ? why the insanely long applause for these
performers (who don’t even perform! and just read their
writers’ jokes ?!).
I say that the minutes of applause Dave Lettermen gets EVERY
NIGHT when he walks on stage is a hell of a lot more ridiculous
looking that the silliness in the onlysimchas posts.
I can understand the live audience being excited (especially
with the applause light flashing overhead), but why do the nightly
broadcasts waste airtime with the recording of the crazy applause.
Yes, I do know why: stroke hosts ego plus subliminally suggest to TV
audience at home how great the show must be!
Girls are more emotional than guys and we express our emotions more. Just because you have “the emotional range of a fruit fly” as you so nicely put it, doesn’t mean that others shouldn’t feel how they feel or express that. We have already called our friend to shriek MAZEL TOV, so she knows how we feel, but our excitement is so overflowing and that is just not enough.
Additionally, excited Mazel Tovs on OnlySimchas are our way of showing that our friend is loved and has lots of close friends. If all postings were a boring “Mazel Tov.” then someone might think, “Well, I guess no one really cares that they got engaged.” We want to show the world that this is someone special who got engaged, not just some random person who no one knows.
PS You know you don’t HAVE to read these comments, right? You can just post your own thing and ignore everyone else’s posts. Maybe then you wouldn’t be so frustrated. Just a suggestion.
OOOOOOOMMMMGGGG!!!!!!!!!!! This was the BEST post EVERRRRR!!!!! ROFLMAO!!!!!! MAZEL TOV on your fantastic writing and observational skills!!! Looking forward to reading more of your HYSTERICALLY BRILLIANT work!!! 😀 😀 <3 <3 <3
You see, Batsheva? Now I think no one else liked the post. Good going, you ruined it for everyone.
Well done batsheva!
>We have already called our friend to shriek MAZEL TOV, so she knows how we feel, but our excitement is so overflowing and that is just not enough.
That sure is a lot of excitement. What did you guys do before the internet? Leave long notes on peoples’ doors? Rent billboard space?
If all postings were a boring “Mazel Tov.” then someone might think, “Well, I guess no one really cares that they got engaged.”
Ha! You see? That is exactly the problem. When did “Mazel tov” become boring? When did it start signifying that nobody cared? It’s because of you people! I’m sure when Yehoshua Hanavi told Moshe Rabbeinu that he was engaged, Moshe managed to convey his enthusiasm without the aid of emoticons.
>We want to show the world that this is someone special who got engaged, not just some random person who no one knows.
A) If you do it for everyone, then everyone is special, then no one is special.
B) If you don’t do it for everyone, then you make some people special, but turn some people into “random [people] who no one knows”, thereby creating the problem you were trying to remedy.
C) No one goes online to say mazel tov to people they don’t know. Except scary people. Leaving a simple mazel tov would just as easily get across the message that you (a) know this special person and (b) she is special.
>You can just post your own thing and ignore everyone else’s posts.
Well, now you’ve made that impossible. By confirming my theory, I now know that everyone thinks “mazel tov” is lame. In a sense, my crusade has only begun. In another, more accurate sense, however, my crusade had petered out before I finished writing this post.
I see your point, and I hear where you are coming from. You shouldn’t let what other people do bother you so much. People do plenty of annoying or irrational or weird or bothersome things in life, and it’s a waste of time and energy to get so worked up about it.
Ever seen a headstone with an emoticon?
OMGGGG!!!@#$% Chanie, you were the gr8est person ever!!!!! So sad you’re gone , but hapy to hve known you!!!!!! {:-)!
————————————————————-
Wait a few years!
The reason why frum singles don’t want to get married is beyond me (and iam a single now).
I know why they wouldn’t want to marry you….
…and what is that? : o
???
That’s funny.
People commenting here take life too seriously…
That’s a pathetic post. The majority of Jewish bloggers are out here complaining about stupid stuff.
Heshy, your blog used to be FUNNY. Have you forgotten what that is? It’s when people read it and the diaphram has a spasmic reaction that emits a noise from the throat known as laughter.
exactly….
Does anyone still use Only Simchas? With Facebook, only major frummies actually go on Only Simchas and/or expect people to actually comment.
As a woman, I totally agree. I find that level of psychotic enthusiasm both disturbing and exhausting. I think it’s great that folks are happy for you, but all of those exclamation points paint a picture of some woman somewhere literally spinning around a room (like that mountain-top scene from the Sound of Music, but on Fast Forward) with bliss. For someone else. If I were that someone else, I would wonder WHY this person is so excited. Did they think I would never get married, and this is such a total shock that she has spun herself into a fit?
I would prefer the nice little “mazal tov” any day of the week.
I guess no told you that checking for news on Only Simchas is no longer a rabbinic mitzva
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