We recently met with a woman who has managed to stay away from the mikvah waters for her entire marriage, how did she do it? We got to speak with Malki Schwartz about her amazing feat and she had a lot to say.
FS: So Malki, what’s it like to never go to the mikvah?
Malki: I couldn’t really tell you from first hand experience, I went once on my wedding day and from then on I was pregnant or lactating for 20 years until I hit menopause, so it’s been an interesting 20 years.I could tell you that I never have to take a bath in lukewarm water with floating pubic hairs – gross!
FS: Would you say that the lack of keeping niddah ruined your sex life, it’s common for kiruv rabbis to get you to keep niddah because it apparently rejuvenates your sex life every time you come back together.
Malki: I don’t know about others, but if the sex wasn’t good I would have joined the bais yaakov PTA swingers club long ago, I see all these other marriages that didn’t have the no-mikvah opportunity that I had – so are they having a great sex life because of mikvah night? Who knows?
FS: We’ve heard that you sell your breast milk locally…
Malki: All of my breast milk is locally sourced and organically grown, how do you think I support my husband in kollel – I have 20 kids to feed and there’s only so long they can suck on me.
FS: are you certified by the local vaad as parve?
Malki: It’s actually quite political, the vaad doesn’t want to give me a hechsher for two reasons, to use the word breast is untznius (I don’t think it is) and it’s a moris ayin. Imagine if you had cholent for lunch and then your hosts brings out cheese cake – what if you have out of town guests – trust me I have daughters, it would be terrible if someone’s kids couldn’t get a shidduch because of a really milchig tasting cheesecake that was halachically parve.
FS: I understand, now tell me do you pasteurize the milk?
Malki: I have to, government regulations do not allow for the sale of raw breast milk.
FS: Well thank you for taking time out of your day to speak with us.
Lame.
agreed
Not funny. Running out of material, I think so!
diedtryin nice to meet u lol. lets go to the borgatta.
Only if u buy me a drink…
ill buy ur mom a drink
Halachically incorrect. Need to go to mikvah after having kids. Breast milk is 100% pareve. Name of woman should have been Malke Milkman. Heshie, stay away from the mikvah.
I thought breast milk is not kosher after you’ve been weaned.
Its only pareve when its hot and fresh from the source. You need an appointment for that at 300 bucks for a half hour…
Besides that u gotto dunk in the mik after every kid
one day your going to get married and realize how stupid you sound.
Nah I already realized
and now youre married and this post still sounds ridicolous
Lame, but Heshman, you can write something about the Mikva night being the most unromantic evening of all. Hi honey, I just had to stand nude in front of three womane who were checking me out to see if I had any hairs on my body, Im totally exhausted from sitting in a bath for two hors, its 1 am and I smell like the local YMCA pool, and I haven’t eaten in three hours. Sure, Id love to make out with you!? Oh right, theres chlorine in my mouth. Just get it over with so I can take a shower and get some sleep.
yea because marraige makes you a true person, until then were all just a bunch of self centered arrogant assholes running around violating women. After marraige, however, we become true gentleman, asking the woman for permission to milk her yourself.
I dont know about making you a true person, but it certainly matures you.
Besides it certainly would help clear up some misconceptions Heshy has about mikva both the halachik matters which he got wrong as several poited out, and practical matters floating pubic hair? luke warm? nope and nope (at least from what my wife tells me)
its possible that it does, it just doesnt mean one loses a sense of humor or become less perverse. We’re just guys.
If you’re lucky. Some people just don’t grow up when they get married or even when they have children to care for. I don’t know what to do about them. We can test eyesight before you get a driver’s license. We can test reflexes before you get a pilot’s license. We can even test you psychologically before the Army puts a rifle in your hands.
But there’s just no good test for being a mensch, and a lot of people suffer because of it. Maybe a first ketubah should come with a pre-signed get and an expiration date. Afterwards it can be automatically renewed or both parties can walk away, no harm no foul 🙁
Great idea count me in!
Of course there are exceptions but by and large most would agree marriage matures you
From what I’ve been told some mikvahs are better run and more sanitary than others. And the compassion and sensitivity of the attendants varies, too. Must be nice to live in warmer places where there are natural bodies of water which let a girl perform the ritual herself without risking hypothermia.
Very lame… Get your creative brain to work a little extra.
uh… if she has kids then she would have to go to the mikvah bc when you give birth you bleed, hence making you a nidda…
Dumb. I haven’t seen such a dumb post in a while!
i think ir is hilarious! 😀
Malki: All of my breast milk is locally sourced and organically grown, how do you think I support my husband in kollel – I have 20 kids to feed and there’s only so long they can suck on me.
ROFL
5 yr old humor and lame even for 5 yr old
I just threw up in my mouth.
if its 5 yr. old humor how the hell can it be lame for a 5 yr. old
shall I mention that a woman who gives birth is tamei tumaas yoledes, and needs to go to the mikva even if she never sees any blood. So even if she never menstruated between pregnancies, she would still need to go to the mikva at least every birth.
what is the rules if she has a caesarean?
same, and besides even a caesarean reslts in lots n’ lots o’ vaginal bleeding