Please remember to vote me as best in Jewish humor blog if you haven’t already. Vote Here
There was some kid at the kosher kitchen today where I mashgiach once in a while- who switched the way he was facing during benching so as a joke I told him to face the other way like in shmona esray and all the sudden I had an epiphany. I decided to list the best ways to mess with baal teshuvas who haven’t been frum too long or are still in the process. I even asked some of my fellow BT friends for ideas. This is a work in progress- email or comment with your suggestions.
Tell them the reason Jews don’t get abortions is because the temple is not around anymore and we cannot have sacrifices,
Convince them to drink the mayim achronim waters,
Tell them to stand up and salute when they do hagba,
When you see a newly indoctrinated BT putting tefilin on- gasp with horror and ask them where the other arm is?
Tell them that flushing their toilet on shabbos is forbidden because it carries stuff from rishus hayachid to rishus harabim,
Tell them it is a custom to wish newly weds luck in the bedroom,
Hide the barcha sheet when they called up to the torah for an aliyah,
Hide all the transliterated siddurim and give them one of those free breslover ones the dudes hand out in the street,
Alleviate their fears by saying the prayers of tefilas haderech and oray minay bisumin were made to show appreciation for drug use,
Convince them to buy those ticheles tzitzis,
Tell them that peeing facing east is assur,
Tell them to be care full about wiping their mouths with unkosher napkins,
The OR symbol on products is the strictest hechsher in the kasharus field- standing for Orthodox Rabbis,
Serve veggie burgers with cheese- nonchalantly, ignoring the sweat beading off your friends face- struggling to understand and convince them it is a sphardi custom,
Tell them to save all their bedikas chometz bread for throwing at tashlich,
Show them how to hold a lulav- upside down,
Tell them asher yatzar should be said for any bodily function that comes from openings, such as masturbation, sneezing, and throwing up,
If you happen to be in a litveshe setting convince your friend to strike up a hearty Yechi adonanu….
Direct them to shuir hashirum for every haftorah,
We must cheer and clop for Mordichai because he saved the Jews- hence the reason for graggers,
Get them to clap after a Rabbis drasha,
Direct the random BT entering your shull to the usually empty women’s section,
During purim try to get them to pull a woman’s sheitle off- make up some custom about exposing the costume wearers,
The hole in the sheet sex is really false- its really supposed to be through a talis,
All fruits and veggies must be certified kosher,
Freak them out by saying they may have to “renew” their bris,
Point to some randlom shmona esray insertation and tell them that since they missed they need to say it over again- stop them before they start of course- (don’t want no bracha livatala’s)
Tell them that the reason why Aish and Chabad hate each other is because the Rebbe was Water according to his astrological sign and water and aish dont mix well,
In order to get bircas kohanim rights you have to have big hands- so its harder not to look and you get more sechar for not looking,
now for this you deserve to win the award 🙂 youre a funny one
its not the exactly the same thing, but once you;re on the topic of make fun of us, let me give you some more ammunition.
i was once at the heritage house in israel and one of the girls whispered to me at some point during shabbat ” wow this place must be really broke, i noticed they use left-over, ripped scraps of toilet paper instead of just buying new roles”
you didn’t put in the tefilin one….when the BT is putting on tefilin be like where is the other arm.
I once told a BT he had to wash on crackers.
I also told him that Jews are not allowed to wear socks with sandals. Which is not true of course. However, I perosnally think that socks with sandals is a sin.
Am I the only person that finds this post offensive? I don’t know, maybe you have to be an uppity frumster from Brooklyn to find this funny.
did you just call me an uppity frumster from brooklyn?
now thats funny 😛
Why? Was that an accurate description of this blogs target demographic?
This blogs target demographic is people without matzo and kishke shoved up their tuchuses who appreciate dry-satirical humor. If you want you can go and find the hundreds of “serious” blogs out there.
Though I do appreciate your comments- being as you are one of the first ever anonymous comemntors.
There really is no target demographic- I get mail from all sorts- I have Rabbis, politicians and all sorts of interesting folks coming here to laugh during their work hours.
Oh and I live very far away from normal Jewish communities- with your repsponse that you must be from brooklyn.
Mookie- your comment was very funny- keep em coming.
Vote for Best Humor Blog – First Round Group A
Dry Bones 42.80 % (202)
Frum Satire 17.16 % (81)
PsychoToddler 14.62 % (69)
Renegade Rebbetzin 10.38 % (49)
Chasidishe Shaigitz 9.53 % (45)
Creedmoorer Chassidus 2.12 % (10)
Pillage Idiot 1.69 % (8)
Jacob’s Jokes 1.69 % (8)
Total votes: 472
I am losing- but 81 votes is a lot compared to some of the other voting going on so I feel cool still.
Your “dry-satirical humor” must be way over my head. I still don’t get why misleading a BT in the ways you suggest is funny. “Haha! I stole the bracha sheet! Look at that sucker sweatin’ at the bima!”- is that what you were getting at? I post anonymously because it’s just so darn hard to openly dissent!
I agree with the first anonymous. I think there is a line between being funny and flat out mean and I think you have definitely crossed it. There is nothing humorous here.
yep- i agree with both anons. that was lame.
well if that was the blog’s target demographic then i certainly wouldnt fit in, what with me being a bt.. and living far far from brooklyn – physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially..
as a bt, however, i can say that id much rather be teased and than spoken to like im dumb, deaf or depressed. no need to put on the big fake smiles, no need to treat anyone like they’re in grade school (i actualyl had someone at the shabbos table explain to me who noach was!) .
personally i prefer frumsatire’s ‘rites of initiation’ than the hypocritical and patronizing ‘acceptance’ from others
being a BT myself I find the post and blog itself hilarious
When you’re attending a siyum made by a BT, sarcastically mutter loudly under your breath “thank g-d for Artscroll…”
(hate to be serious, but) Doesn’t it bother you that we make nice to BT’s for kiruv, and then trash them when it comes to shidduchim?
Not a BT, but in the process of gerus…I think this is absolutely hilarious. (Also, I was thrilled that I understood everything, lol.) Of course you need to have a sense of humor to appreciate this (and most of the rest of this blog). Fortunately, I’m not lacking in that area….
Though I will say (read with humor please)your “labeling” posts are a little scary. You’ve got me scared to join ANY Jewish group! 😉
dofan akuma, the feeling is mutual when it comes to shidduchim 🙂
Well done.
Yeah- I guess I missed out in the humor department. But hey, at least I can spell and do not pass off what is often random, inane babble as “dry- satirical humor”. Tell me, what exactly does that label mean to you? And really, the fact that you justify the stuff you write here by saying, “well, rabbis and politicians read this blog so it must be hysterical”, only serves to remind me of the sorry state of religious and civic leadership.
Cute. But its almost too easy to mess with a Baal Teshuva when they just became frum a few months ago. The real challenege is to mess with them, when they’ve been frum for two years or more, when they think they’ve got the walk and talk down, but there is always some tell sign or mistake that can be ascertained if one looks closely enough. Sometimes if your lucky its a deep theological misunderstanding, which produces some wonderful looks of confusion.
Anyway aside from that, how is getting them to buy those tzitzis with techeles messing with them?
Hey, I am a BT. I have a highly evolved sense of humor. Hence, I found this article freaking hysterical. Clearly there are those who don’t understand humor – it can be funny even if you don’t actually go out and do it people. I can only assume that these are the same folks who hate science fiction because it’s so “unbelievable.”
Besides, if you want to look at it from a more serious perspective, it should be an example of why everyone should concentrate more on their knowledge of halacha and stop trying to just imitate FFBs and their minchagim.
Tell them to stand-at-attention and salute during Hagba.
I’ve seen some pretty frum people screw up the Torah brachos. It’s not just for BTs anymore.
FFB? An acronym for frum from birth?? Now that is freakin’ hysterical. FFB? BT? MO girls and their shorts and shabbos walks? Man, I don’t know why I keep dissing this blog! I am learning so much! By the way, I love sci-fi. And uhhh dry-satirical humor. It makes me laugh. Unlike this blog, which just makes me sad, maybe in a funny way, but sad nonetheless.
You people all have poles shoved so far up your asses the poop is coming through your mouths. So making fun of Modern Orthodox, Black Hat and Chassidim is funny but when it comes to BT’s you are all offended- do you all happen to be BT’s.
Judging from your serious pole shoving comments- your probably a bunch of Broolynites who have nothing else better to do then be so damned serious.
If you would have read any of the other posts- you would have realized the irony in all of this site. But no you have to take yourselves way to seriously.
Wow I didn’t expect the sour asss to take this so seriously. Well I guess we still have to have those folks in the street that yell at you for skateboarding because its too dangerous.
To the guy who said I cant spell- if you had read the site disclaimer- you would have noticed that I lack all the capacity to formulate sentences including grammar and spelling.
I guess the critics will really love next weeks posts when I take on folks who are converting. Hahaha…..
Lol, can’t wait to see that.
Dude this is the best post I have ever read with reagrds to BT’s. What you say is truth and funny, and looks like most the readers besides a few most probably non-BT types enjoyed what you had to say. Keep up the good writing.
Seriously relax people
I know right?
This blog is awesome
Hey beis yaakov cunt I agree. Penises rock. I happen to have one. Call me at 1800 433 6687 and we shall have sexual intercourse.
To the two Anonymous posters: it’s a joke, get over it. No one in their right minds would really do that to BTs; it’s just for laughs.
And t0 Heshi and others, lay off the “Brooklynite” bullshit. It’s just not cool to diss out other Jews.
Actually back when I used to be an NCSY advisor I used to mess with my kids all the time! Lol!
I half agree with the anonymous posters. I didn’t think that the post was funny and I’m not certain why somebody would vote for this as the best humor blog when half of the posts are nothing more than asking folks to cast that vote.
I’m not offended by the content, but I am certainly offended by the grammar. The last thing the world needs is another frummie who can’t spell or properly punctuate his sentences.
Maybe BTs should start making lists of good ways to mislead FFBs in the construction of their written correspondence.
That would be a far more creative undertaking and might actually require some effort to put together a list.
Levi,
This is a blog, not an English-major thesis.
LMAO you mean thing 🙂
Hey as the saying goes “I’m not a racist I hate everyone equally!” So long as you arent solely picking on BT’s…
I read your Blog at least once a week, I usually find your sense of humour hilarious, this time: NOT!
I think there is a fine line when it comes to humour where there are people involved and this time – I think you crossed it.
P.S. I”m an FFB
Levi! Finally someone with a clue!
Heshy-
Don’t get carried away. Try designing a list of ways to fool ultra-haredi people, who know little about the secular world.
Post was funny. The greater nachas comes from the fact that 41 comments may be your highest number.
Don’t shvitz about a lack of comments anymore!
Mazal tov.
PS- Our mutual friend is coming up next shabbos.
This post was funny but I do feel lots of hatred in reading it. I know you people are going to tell me, noone would do these things! But ya know what I was once becoming frum and the ffbs used to mess with me all the time. I now hate judaism and everything it stands for. I am now a neonazi and want to eradicate every jew from this earth. Zig Heil! The yidden have tried to destroy my life and now I shall destroy theirs!!!!!!!!!!
Wow look what happens when I dont go online for a day. I just want to respond to all the negative pole up their tuchus commentors. HAVE YOU READ ANY OF MY OTHER POSTS???
I assume not because if you did- you would find that the hole point of this blog is to push peoples buttons- I did and had a great time doing it. I am glad I have some critics now- maybe you can comment on all my other posts- I am sick of just having fans.
I must ask a question though, why does it seem that a majority of the emails I am recieving praising this post have come from BT’s and the critics besides one or two seem to be FFB’s.
Maybe thats why you can tell someone is an FFB within two minutes of talking to them. They aren’t so damned serious all the time. Lighten up people. and read some of the other offensive stuff.
Okay, I found this post very funny. Messing with BTs is fine, but doing it to MO people is also awesome.
After I was engaged, I told my MO friend that our chabad custom is to make the sheitel from the first mop that the wife uses to wash the floor with. She thought it was a “very interesting” custom.
Onionsoupmix: Ya that chabad minhag to use a mop as a sheital is almost as “interesting” as that other chabad custom to believe that the sun revolves around the earth. Those dopey Modernistas would probably intrigued by that one too.
you should convince bt’s that if semen accidentally emits from their peckers, they have to commit suicide.
I do like that one- how about telling the MO folks that the reason chassidish women shave their heads is for wind resistance when rushing through Glatt mart to get the last jar of gefilte fish.
Man, I am going to have to stop commenting here because you clearly just don’t get it. What “pushes my buttons” is your poor writing and the BORING and TYPICAL choice of topics. You may be trying too hard. Or maybe not enough. Either way – you should try reading some real satirical literature. It can’t hurt.
The scariest thing about this whole thread is that alot of the fake reasons your giving for various aspects of yiddishkeit seem possibly more reasonable then the real reasons!
Amazing and well thought of- the anonymous posters and no-namers make it even funnier. LMAO!!!!!
Yes I am a BT…..
whoa………………..Is the Lubab lord of the internet deleting posts?
You’re welcome Hesh…………
On Interstate 90 in Albany there is a Hebrew and English billboard that has a picture of everyone’s favorite hippie Jesus that reads “call him and he will come”. Any person driving along this stretch of road bobbing their head to some 80s hair metal can understand this sign. They may even think about whipping open their bible and rocking some hymns or later on that night when the truck driver pulls over for a rest on an hourly motel, he will reach over and discover the bible in his top drawer of the night stand and read a bit and ask for some parnassah.
Granted some Jews might get all up in arms over the Hebrew and the whole Jews for Jesus thing- but it’s a pleasant sign and very understandable, but when one looks at the ten story high behemoth of a billboard with the late Lubavitcher Rebbe smiling out at all the traffic on West Street and the tourists going to the Intrepid aircraft carrier- the sign is hard to understand. Instead of having some good cheesy propaganda line like “the messiah is here” it reads “Moshiach is here”, now what the hell is that? If your trying to convince folks that the Rebbe is indeed the Jewish answer to Jesus type prophecy wouldn’t you want to make the sign understandable to everyone? Shouldn’t there be some offers to be converted over to meshichism- or at least write in clear English.
This has been bothering me for some time, the lack of good PR within the meshichist fold. Seriously, if you want to convince me that Jesus is not the messiah and the Rebbe is, you have to do better then large signs in unknown languages and yarmulkes with the message of Yechi adonenu in Hebrew.
The Jews for Jesus folks are way better at approaching unsuspecting Jews walking down the street. Rather then a smelly, bearded guy with a crushed hat on chasing you down the street with a lulav, you have nice good looking preppy guys handing out tea and cute little pamphlets in local parks. Way less threatening, and way easier to say “no thank you”, when refusing the lulav- you may get a ten minute mussar speech, and will feel guilty about not coming in contact with the true messiahs people.
I personally don’t know too many Jews for Jesus folks, the ones I have met have been great guys, maybe that’s because they have given me free, organic, kosher tea. Or maybe its because the people they employ are friendly and corteous and you know what they are about. They believe that a hippie and his long haired followers wearing Birkenstocks and eating temphe went into the woods and tripped on some great peyote and then had visions of the head hippie walking on water and doing all sorts of crazy shit- as any user of hallucinogens will tell you.
On the other hand most folks have no idea what the meshichists actually believe. Do they think the Rebbe is like Elvis and lives on and that is why they worship his old house? Do they believe he is dead but his spirit lives on? Do they believe he is actually walking around Eastern Parkway and dressed as some poor homeless man testing the Jews for kindness? Maybe they believe he died- but he’s coming back? Whatever these loonies believe- no one really knows. Then you have the opposite side- the problem with the opposite side is you cant really tell who doesn’t and does believe.
The meshichists must get their act together and join to reach a consensus. They cannot just go on and fight with each other for their voices to be heard. I mean we don’t want to think meshicists are insane- because most of them aren’t- they are merely too far in to admit their mistake. Werent they at the funereal- I actually was- though the closed casket made for some great rumors- “if he is really in there why is it closed” was one rumor that circulated amongst the croud as Senator AlDamato spoke to the thousands of mourners.
If only the meshichists would take tips from the 9-11 commission for truth- they all agree that 9-11 was funded by big businesses like Wal Mart and Exxon Mobil and Halliburton so they could reach record profits and the planes that crashed into the buildings were really missiles- because the bodies were not found.
The Lubavitchers for Mendel should take some tips from the Jews for Jesus. Shouldn’t they expand their scope beyond Crown Heights, Tzfat and Morristown? They also should irradicate the guys in 770 who scream yechi at the top of their lungs all day long on shabbos. Not only are they annoying- but they scare away potential believers who dismiss the whole Rebbe is moshiach thing as some sort of membership drive that is supposed to make money rather then a real belief.
I figured it was loshon harah, so I took it down.
frumbutwithit writes:
> Wow look what happens when I dont go online for a day.
Let’s try, “Wow, look what happens when I don’t go online for a day.”
> I just want to respond to all the negative pole up their tuchus commentors.
There should be a comma between negative and pole. Pole and tuchus should be plural to agree with commentors, unless there is one common pole up one common tuchus of all negative commentors.
On that note, what is a commentor? Is it, perhaps, a contraction of communications-mentor? If not, then you might have misspelled commentators or commenters.
> HAVE YOU READ ANY OF MY OTHER POSTS???
Yes, the spelling, grammar and punctuation are no better in any of those. I’d have hoped that you might have perfected the, “please vote for me,” rants by now. I guess we’re both out of luck on that count.
> I assume not because if you did- you would find that the hole point of this blog is to push peoples buttons-
This clause is just disgusting. Let’s start with, “I assume not, because.” Let’s move on to, “if you did,” the preferred past-tense counter-factual would be, “if you had.” That you mess up with, “you would find.” It should have been, “you would have found,” so that it would agree with, “if you had.” Now we come to the really repellent part of the sentence, “the hole point of this blog.” Unless this blog somehow builds foundations for buildings or takes part in acts of gardening, there is no “hole point”. There might, however, be a “whole point.” If you have a hard time with homophones, perhaps you should avoid them. Try writing “entire” instead of “whole” when you don’t know into which “hole” your grammatical ability has been shoved.
> I did and had a great time doing it.
Good for you.
> I am glad I have some critics now-
Also good for you.
> maybe you can comment on all my other posts- I am sick of just having fans.
The grammatical work alone would be a full-time job.
> I must ask a question though, why does it seem that a majority of the emails I am recieving
Recieving? I before E, EXCEPT after C. You can remember that. It rhymes.
> praising this post have come from BT’s and the critics besides one or two seem to be FFB’s.
“Besides one or two,” should be written between commas. Also, if you must ask a question, you should really end it with a question mark.
In answer to your ill-punctuated question, some of us, who are FFBs, are bothered by those of our ilk who perpetuate the stereotype that FFBs are unable to communicate via the written English language.
> Maybe thats why you can tell someone is an FFB within two minutes of talking to them.
Thats is not a word. You should have written, “that’s.”
> They aren’t so damned serious all the time. Lighten up people. and read some of the other offensive stuff.
It is a pity that the apostrophe in aren’t has so few friends in a rant that has so many contractions. It is also a pity that the period after “people” has usurped the rightful place of a comma. I suppose, though, that you could have simply made “and” begin with an uppercase letter.
It is a shame that nobody has found a chumra that would force all the frummies to try to communicate clearly in various tongues of the lands of their respective sojourns. Humor and virtually all genres work so much better when they are comprehensible.
As an English teacher, Heshy makes me cringe constantly, but I’m learning to ignore it. It’s a small price to pay for his wit. I do feel compelled to add, however, that this comment made me laugh my @$$ off!
Levi, you’re like the simon cowell of the blogoshpere.
Crtique that bitch!
Is it me or did non of you read the site disclaimer- in which the first sentence reads” I do not know how to spell or use grammar correctly” I copied it just for you bastards who do indeed have come down off of bad trips or something. FYI it is on the top right of the page.
I do not profess to know how to spell or use grammer correctly. All I do know how to do is make people laugh by using my warped perspectives, varied experiences and wild imagination. If you feel you have been offended or that you think I am the best think since indoor plumbing please feel free to send me an email frumsatire@gmail.com If you feel that you want to meet up for a hike, bike ride, shidduch date, conversation or any other possible halachically legal scenario I am all ears. I have dated and met with people who have commented on my blog. If you feel that you have a shidduch for me- click the link to my frumster profile, or just send me an email- hook it up yo.
Levi-
Tell me did you at least enjoy the post. The grammar thing is old my old roommate emails me every other day with the same suggestions- I just don’t care enough to waste time with that. I am all about the content- to which I am sure you have some critical comment about as well- but I guess the average of 800 individual site visits per day continuously isn’t there because the content sucks.
I see you took up my “hagba” advice. But I think you understood part of it wrong:
Tell them to stand up and salute when they are supposed to do that “zot ha-torah” pinky swear thingamajig.
I didn’t mean it for when the BT himself is doing hagba.
Yea, Levi. Get with the program i.e. shut your piehole.
I know I said I would stop commenting here, but Levi, I think I love you!
frumbutwithit writes:
> Levi-
> Tell me did you at least enjoy the post.
It isn’t really my thing. The entire genre of making lists of ways to create chaos is a bit old at this point. I am sure that we all receive emails full of possible ways to incite havoc in elevators, restaurants, classrooms, political rallies, etc. on a weekly basis.
It doesn’t take much effort to create such things. Starting the timer on my watch now, I will try to see how many addenda I can offer to your list within two minutes:
1) Tell a BT that he has to pee at least a reviis in order to make an ahser yotzor; hence, he should always bring a measuring cup with him to the bathroom.
2) Tell a BT b’vakasha means, “Hey you stupid!”
3) Tell a BT that when speaking with a Rabbi one should always avert one’s gaze.
4) Tell BTs that they have to coat themselves with salt before going into the mikveh so that they can check to make certain that is has all dissolved and that, ergo, all of one’s skin has made contact with the water.
5) Convince a BT that one must avoid wearing matching clothes in order to avoid ayin horo.
6) Convince a BT that before he can walk on a building’s carpeting, he must ensure that it is not shatnez.
That’s it, I’m out of time. I averaged twenty seconds per shenanigan. As I am not a particularly creative individual, I can only assume that creating such lists is not a terribly demanding enterprise.
> The grammar thing is old my old roommate emails me every other day with the same suggestions- I just don’t care enough to waste time with that.
If one wishes to communicate via the written word, then ensuring it is done correctly is hardly a waste of time. Not everybody can get away with the liberties that Mark Twain took.
> I am all about the content- to which I am sure you have some critical comment about as well-
I won’t comment beyond what I have already said. I, personally, don’t enjoy it too much. A friend sent me the link and I put in my $.02 and responded to those who called me to task. At this point, I have no intention of investing any further effort. It is certainly no shock to me that there are folks out there who still enjoy the whole list-o-ways to make trouble for unsuspecting people thing, but I’m not one of them. I also don’t see the appeal of the, “Please vote for me,” posts, but I’m not really the one who matters. As long as you can attract a hot, Lubavitch girl, you’ll be just fine.
> but I guess the average of 800 individual site visits per day continuously isn’t there because the content sucks.
Fair enough. I guess that I’m just not one of that number. I wish you all the best with continuously improving that content and your means of delivery.
haven’t been around, but just laughed so hard I nearly pissed myself…That was awesome, and any of you tight asses, need to relax. FrumSatire would never do anything of the sort actually, and people who can laugh about such a thing wouldn’t either. Those people who cannot see the humor in this HILARIOUS post are the ones we should be worried about. LIFE IS SO SHORT PEOPLE, IF YOU DON’T WANT TO EXPAND YOUR MIND OR LAUGH, YOU WILL LEAD AN AWFUL LIFE. I THINK FFBS CAN LEARN A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT FROM FRUMSATIRE!!! (MEANING, RELAX!!!!)
Thank you for the compliment sexy BT
What a controversy.
I think you should specify on each post from now on that it was meant for humor purposes only. It’s like those commercials that must emphasize that ‘batteries are not included’ or ‘the barbie does not actually walk itself’ or some other inane proclamation as such, because unfortunately, some people really just don’t understand.
Tragic, of course, but true…
Well I would assume that since everyone could tell me that my spelling and grammar sucks that they were SMART enough to realize the humor. Then again also would have thought that the Blog Title and disclaimer made it pretty clear.
After all most blogs are made to offend, push peoples buttons and make people think differently, then say, reading a book or a newspaper.
But the truth is, that if people a few get offended I am fully realizing my first amendment rights eh…
you should consider yourself lucky to have your own personal spell-checker…
the best way to mess with baal teshuvos is to tell them the truth.The truth is that no matter how hard they try to live a life of torah and mitzvos, the frum community will never accept them.
Well I thought it was funny. Frumbutwithit is right, most BTs tend to take things way too seriously and sometimes they take it to such extremes, they come off nazi like. There was a geirut girl who was attending the seminary I was going to. She was mamash frum.
She went on shidduchim and most of BTs were really nasty to her. One guy she met in a restaurant and he immediately asked her if she had any Jews in her family and she told him that she already told the shadchan that she had no Jewish relatives . He stood up and left without saying anything and left her alone in the restaurant. Now that’s outright rude and nasty.
(She is now married to a FFB, she was not Jewish enough for the BTs but a FFB married her)
I actually wrote about when you could tell a BT had already become a frummy- there are subtle differences between BT’s who have not shed their status yet- like the ability to play a good game of Jewish geography.
Yeah I really like the BTs who bitch around how everyone is doing some kind of a halacha in a wrong way, constantly correcting other people’s behavior and ways, and then they rush out of the shul on Shabbes to check the messages on their cellphones. Hell, actually I love the ones who drive on the second day Yontif more than the guys/gays using the phones on Shabbes.*rollseyes* [/insert end of sarcastic rant]
Sorry my post is supposed to say guys/girls. No clue why I typed in gays. Just noticed that, hahaha.
(gasp)-Don’t you know you’re not allowed to close your zipper on Shabbos? About the suitability of this topic-it’s not as if we actually do these things (well, most of us)-we all have naughty thoughts, so isnt it better to let them out this way?
I think closing a zipper on shabbos is the melocha of Boneh
Excuse me but take this case scenario. You are at a Shabbes meal and you use the bathroom. Are you going to come out back to your host’s living room, with unzipped pants, revealing all your glory? Hahaha.
p.s. are you telling us that all men wear buttoned pants on Shabbes?
No Rebel thats why the frummies wear bekishas and kapata’s
You wear a Bekishe on Shabbes? :-O
Very nice.
There is some truth however to some of the BT-windups. Dumping, and according to some, peeing too, facing East (in an open area) IS ossur (Orach Chaim 3:5)
Fresh produce in Israel needs a hashgocho.
I’m definitely subscribing to this one!
HAHA…… After livin with BT’s for 3 years…. LOL
I was also a mashgiach for Pesach once in a hotel.. and for the fun of it, while watching the vegetables being cut, I screamed “STOP”, and explained to all the staff that “in order for the vegetables to be Kosher for Passover, they needed to be cut in a “different” manor. SO, if you are a righty, you need to cut them with your left hand,,, and if you are a lefty, with your right hand.”… They all moaned,,, and slowly complied. This was a good thing for about 10 minutes until the Rav Ha’Machshir came in,,,and was asked if what I said was true… and after the look on his face,,, I heard a scream “RABBI”……
I think it better to play with the Goyim, than the BT’s… yet I don’t hold offense to any of it. It’s all in good fun…. Oh,,, and I’m a BT.
I assumed you were a BT and messing with goyim is way to easy. There are too many things to list especially when you are mashgiach- I happen to work part time as a mashgiach once in a while and the things they ask are amazing. “Are plastic knives kosher?” Or “Can we listen to music while we cook?” Since its not Jewish.
awesome! someone once told me: tznius is bec. women are cold!
I once wrote a post about how the whole point of tznius was because that it reduces the horrible muffin tops that plague Jewish women. It also allows for men who are shomer negia to marry women who they would have never given a chance had they seen what was really under their skirts and shirts.
My friend gave me these:
Seperate garbage for milk and meat. Open mouth underwater in mikva for saying lashon hara. Woman not allowed to have too much pleasure from this world, no orgasms. Kiss the mezuza more than your wife. Knock into a jew while hes praying, but be terrified of a black on the train. Kiss the siddur more than your children. Rush and knock people to attempt to kiss the Torah, but be reserved with your family. Love chulent more than G-d. Scream at the Torah reader for a mistake, while u can’t read.
Love it, thank you for that. It seems that the best ones actually came from BT’s as most of the post came while sitting at the campus chabad house talking with BT’s about what they would believe if someone told them some crazy stuff to do.
Asshole
Thats right bitch!!!
I assume you are not a BT then. Because it seems that all the folks who hate this post are FFB’s or irreligious Jews.
re:mean to geirim: A certain gioret was seriously involved with a BT. His mother(who had been married to,not one, not two, but THREE non-Jews) protested,”No son of mine will marry a SHIKSA!!!
Oh – and if your BT is a science geek, start a discussion of “quantum halacha”. Do you realize that every time you measure something- say a kazayis, or check if your tefillin are on right- that automatically changes what you are measuring- you can never get it right!
A budy of mine actually just asked me if I would make a second part to this post with another list, if you have any ideas- send em over.
Uch this is so low on the totem noone is going to read this! o well
On the second night of pesach I asked someone what we are doing, he said “We’re counting sephiras ha’omer” “but we didnt do this last night” I argued. And he said, “I know tonight’s the first night” Haha now you can’t make a bracha!
I also asked someone what night of Chanukka it is and he told me and i said haha now you cant make a bracha
teehee
What’s everybody got against Brooklyn? There are still a few of us “normal” people living here.
Well as a tree hugger I have everything against the east coast in general- but Brooklyn has retained a reputation as being one big closed minded city full of snobs, dirty chasids, and shietle hookers.
funny
people who have a problem with this are the same people who give me death stares for walking on the street wearing a doors t shirt
ps my friends rag on me non stop for not being to use “crappy spelling and grammar” i just cant!
love your spelling
Thank you, I just have no patience for editing I love to just see the post up and running.
What condones drug use in tefillas haderech? i obviously get borei meney b’samim.
Tefilas haderech- when you take a trip!
Dude, man funny! You may be able to call me a fan now.
BT? FFB? What’s with all the labels? And “Best ways to mess with baal teshuvas?” Maybe you should try helping them out as a fellow Jew.
The whole point of this blog is the mock all the labels- you will notice that through other posts. Besides using acronyms saves time and is better for SEO purposes (search engine optimization)- well maybe not.
Still you must be an FFB due to your lack of humor- this post got rave review the BT’s and all the FFB’s got offended.
Oh and I am helping fellow Jews through laughter.
nah i’m just a jewish kid in the South. But ok point taken
hey, anonymous, what’s Jewish life like, down South?
well you get used to the really small jewish population lol…depending what city you’re in.
I hear that; we’ve got places like that up here, too.
My BT friend wanted to wash hands before eating a cookie with coffee because the cookie will be wet when he dunks it.
What to tell BTs before Pesach:
1. Cover toilet seat with foil
2. Buy separate keyboard and mouse for Pesach
3. Delete bookmarks to chomets recipes
4. Make sure plates, forks, etc. have a hashgocha
5. Cover phones with foil
6. Kasher kitchen floor with boiling water
7. When burning chometz, you need to also burn 2 whole challah rolls
8. Cover kids’ toys in foil or cling wrap
9. Wrap all wires in foil
10. For matza, korech and afikoman, you need to use 2 whole hand matzas each
11. Pickles are only for sefardim
12. Kasher fridge with boiling water
13. Kasher bathtub with boiling water
etc
Amazing, Thank you!!!
First off it’s clear he’s just kidding and means it in good fun.
Of course you forgot convincing someone to say yalei vyavo during asher yatzar on Rosh Chodesh
Dude that is a good one- only a BT could have thought of something like that.
this isn’t funny. can u imagine if even one person took an example and used it on someone? not to be a debbie downer, but man you could use your humor for something better
“Tell them that peeing facing east is assur”
Genius!
I’m so tempted to actually try some of these things!
Usually you are a tad cheesy, not really funny (I think its mostly do to your ignorance and jumping to conclusions) But this was really funny. Congrats
Thank you…I guess
I dont know. I understand it’s all in fun, but there are plenty of jerks out there who think that doing stuff like this is ACTUALLY funny instead of hyppothetically funny (which some of them (the ones I can understand)are.)
This list could be considered placing a stumbling block before the blind.
Heshe, you make me laugh, But I’m woried about the immature instigaters that may turn people away from judaism for a little fun.
just a thought, since theres so many comments already.
I think people that are too serious shouldn’t bother reading this blog, seems like some people just don’t get humor. This is some of the best frum humour I’ve read in a while. While most people won’t actually try these suggestions, I hope the few of you that do try it have the heart to stop the BT before he goes too far, some might actually take you seriously.
Thank you Phil and Learning Torah I understand your insights- but here’s the deal the only people who would do this are people who are close to BT’s close enough to inform them that they were messing with them.
Maybe I’ll make a list about messing with frum people. Like when I told my friend you couldn’t even buy food or water during the 9 days.
I’m a 2XBT (I invented the acronym myself.) I’m convinced that the reason I fell out the first time, among other things, is that I didn’t know what I was getting into. People doing kiruv paint a picture of a perfect frum world, and the reality is different. I also failed to think of it as a lifestyle, with good and bad parts. Therefore, I like this post. BTs need to lighten up and understand that what they’re doing is for life, not a race – and that sometimes, frum people joke too.
2xbt- I like it!
On simchat torah its like April fools, and the ultimate mitzvah is to hide all the torahs.
Then tell them we only eat the jelly part in the Gefilte fish jar and throw out the fish (which is only there to keep the jelly preserved).
Since toilet paper can tear on shabbos, we use brawny paper towels instead.
Tell them at the seder its important to wear the egyptian clothing that our ancestors wore to help feel as if you were there.
Leaving open your windows can substitute for a sukka if you hang branches through them all week.
Show them a henna tattoo (or other temporary form) that says “The Chosen” or a Kach fist on your forearm.
Tell them on shavuot we celebrate the harvest – so we have to eat 7 different species of peppers each totalling the volume of an ostrich egg.
eh……
“Maybe I’ll make a list about messing with frum people. ” -Hesh
Sounds good, man.
Give them small stickers with the symbol of a lower case “n” with a circle around it, to signify”Not Kosher”. Then you tell them to put it on all the packages of food thats not kosher.
Damn straight rob
I’m not BT, I recently finished a conversion, and I’m now studying with Chabad. I can’t wait to show this to my Rabbi. This is halarious. It should be required reading for all BTs and Gerim.
Glad you liked
Right after Yom Kippur— “you thought that sucked, soon we have to fast all month for Ramadan.”
Insist they say a bracha for the food they feed their pets, say all hamichya for the pet after meals, and asher yatzar when their pets go doody.
That’s actually a great idea. Get a parrot and teach it to say brochot.
They probly can start with an Israeli parrot since they already speak Hebrew
Speaking of which:
How to Raise a Jewish Dog (Paperback)
by Rabbis of Boca Raton Theological Seminary (Author), Barbara Davilman (Editor), Ellis Weiner (Narrator
Passover Parrot by Evelyn Zusman and Katherine Janus Kahn (Paperback – Jan 1, 1999
I actually knew a guy once who had taught his dogs to wait until he said “it’s kosher” before they ate
I’m BT and think it’s funny….but funnier is what FFB’s think is Frumkeit. Covering mirrors, anyone? (just a minhag, and a weak one at that) Bugs on strawberries? (no those are seeds) I stayed by a family that kept separate sides of the shiyesh for milk and meat and PARVE.
But I suppose that there is already a satire on them somewhere in this blog…
Baruch Atta- you can use the search button at the top or just look at my best of- yeh I pretty much touched on everything- strawberries and bugs and all sorts of chumras are commonly poked fun at.
If you do have any ideas for posts you can email me.
I can’t stop laughing at this.
Frum Satire can produce BT’s Funniest Home Videos with these ideas.
Why is it wrong to have veggie burgers with cheese?
Marcos
It is generally accepted to have veggie burgers with cheese. The Star-D (a branch of the Star-K)gives a chekshir to the Dunkin Donuts that serves this. I get a egg and cheese with veggie burger on a crosaunt. Don’t need to wash on a crosaunt.
Marcos,
I thought he meant let them think it’s a beefburger.
hi
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good luck
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good luck
Tell them they need to have two separate garbage cans for Milchig and Fleishig
You mean 4. Also need 2 for Pesach.
Hehe lol, here is another one…
Convince a BT that it is an ancient old Sephardic (or Yeminite) minhag to wash their feet (al netilas reglayim) instead of their hands (netilas yadayim) before hamotzi.
As a self-hating BT (what can I say, I survived a year in Or Sameach), this is genius!
RE: Borat
Insist they say a bracha for the food they feed their pets, say all hamichya for the pet after meals, and asher yatzar when their pets go doody.
I am laughing at the responses so much but this one just cracked me up!!!!!
Zvi:
Tell them they need to have two separate garbage cans for Milchig and Fleishig
You forgot about the parve garbage can and also the recycle garbage can.
Of course, I must say that you, Hesh, got me laughing the most with this:
Tell them it is a custom to wish newly weds luck in the bedroom,
Okay…just got up from a nap.
1. Hesh – GEROUTTA MY HEAD!
2. Give a brand spanking new BT a little note pad and a pencil and some bizarre directions to some store room somewhere in the bowels of the shul/yeshiva and tell them they need to go and Count the Omer to see how many are there.
3. For women – a bracha must be said every time they open the fridge, thanking Ha’shem for giving us cold to keep our food fresh. Every Time.
4. As for peeling, one must say brach Ha’adama over the peels before tossing them out.
sorry regarding spelling
Geroutta = getoutta (no, it’s not a new word)
brach = bracha
Told you I just woke up.
I like the opening the fridge thing, but I think the joke should be:
Make a bracha- “V’yahi Or” on H’ establishing a new light each time you open the frdige door.
LOL AZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is nice of H to do that each time, as when we close the fridge, we do block out the light. Perhaps an apology upon closing is in order?
Actually, with all the foil in my fridge right now, I am blinded for a full 60 seconds after I close the thing. Then I accidently look at my stove top! Oy vey!
convince them that it is a big inyan to use mayim shelanu for negel vasser on erev pesach.
Still funny after all these years. And I’m a BT. So there.
After donating blood, should I say asher yatzar on my new bodily opening- the hole that the doctor created on my arm?
Of course – only a BT wouldn’t know the answer to that
sorry, but i found this offensive. i find most of your blogs funny, but this was crossing the line and hurtful. how is a bt supposed to learn when people like you are trying to hurt them and embarrass them?! i personally know a few people that were embarrassed out of becoming more observant, and although i couldn’t understand before, now i really feel for them because of this. please think before you do/post something like this again. thank you.
I’m a BT and I find this hilarious. How are BTs supposed to learn? By learning and by not being retards and taking upon themselves every chumra and custom they see!
of course they shouldn’t just take on everything they see, but if someone purposefully embarrasses them just because they aren’t as knowledgeable as some ffb then it can be really damaging! i’m not saying everyone would care, but for some people it’s a problem.
dude, I see BTs in my shul doing G-d knows what during davening, for years. Are they doing it because they don’t know? No! They’re doing it because they’re too freaking stupid to read the instruction in the Artscroll siddur which are on the same page! Being a BT doesn’t give you the excuse of not going and learning stuff yourself instead of sitting on your ass and waiting for the knowledge to appear.
hello! moshe, as a fellow bt I understand that you realize the importance of going out and learning as opposed to just sitting around waiting for information to appear, but that does NOT mean that you can just judge other people and try to embarrass them(not saying that you are, but I am saying that people can if they actually take this list seriously). Also, if you’ve seen these BTs making ‘mistakes’ why don’t you just let them know instead of letting them embarrass themselves further!
and also I just want to make it clear that although I get that this was all in humor, some people take things to heart. it really isn’t in the spirit of doing mitzvahs to try to embarrass other jews or to ridicule them for knowing less than you. k im done.
If I don’t make fun of stupid people, how would they ever learn?!
Hey I almost drank the mayim achronim! My first Shabbos at Chabad. Cruel Cruel joke! And I’m not just BT I’m a convert.
A good thing would be to have a BT stand near the front of the shul so that during L’cha Dodi, you could see how many people behind him don’t turn toward the door when he doesn’t.
lol reading all the comments. I know a Chabad rabbi who was once hosting a BT, and the BT was so nervous he was doing everything exactly like the rabbi. The rabbi took a bite of food, the BT took a bite. The rabbi wiped his mouth, the BT wiped his mouth. So the rabbi touched his ear, then his nose, then slid his hand around his head. The BT hesitated a little confused, then did the exact same thing. lol. It’s good to see other people in similar postions are just as nervous and trying just as hard, that’s what makes this post so comforting to BT’s and me–I’m not the only idiot in the world 😉 Thank you FrumSatire guy!
I’m not going to weigh in on any of the opinions expressed here, except for one, which I’ll agree with. Hesh, your blog is many things, but “dry” or “satirical” it is not. That doesn’t mean it’s not funny (that is a matter of opinion), but I just don’t think those words mean what you think they mean. Perhaps “hodgepodge of sloppy observations” is a better way to describe the humor found here.
Hey I can’t be perfect – but I am curious as to how many posts you have read – for there are 1000’s, to judge from one post would be rather silly if you may…
Tell them that flushing their toilet on shabbos is forbidden because it carries stuff from rishus hayachid to rishus harabim,
I actually know a ger-to-be who holds by this. No one wants to invite him over on Shabbos for this very reason.
all I have to say, is ew.
I knew this family that decided opening a feminine hygeine napkin on shabbos was issur so they opened them up before shabbos and stuck them on the wall…
Not all that funny. Most of the “jokes” are so ridiculous that the BT would or should just tell you off. Or at least not respond.
This is absolutely hilarious. I’d never do any of these things to BT’s myself, but I know at least one person who’d at least think about doing some of them… Well done.
im a bt…just a teen but pretty intergrated…and i wouldve fell for like a third of them if you said them with a straight face 😛
tell a bt on a Monday morning that the eruv is down and he should wear his tallis to shacharis
tell them they can’t wear the designer Hermes because it is named after an idol
say that they have to vacuum the lawn before Pesach because a bird might have dropped chometz on it
tell females that they must get a Brazilian before going to the mikvah
convince new girl bts that the most tznius thing they can do is shave their heads
tell a bt female that she needs hymen replacement surgery before she can get married
tell them if a bug lands in/on an empty glass/bowl that it is now unkosher and needs to be thrown away.
These are a few that I found to help you in your cause to spread deliciously funny jewy satire!
Hello!
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