The artist’s dilemma is great. I know that some of you folks don’t consider me an artist and that’s okay. I can consider myself anything I want to be. I take a blank screen and make art. To create something out of nothing is an amazing thing. I envy the great painters, sculptors, glass blowers, woodworkers, writers, performance artists, musicians and so on. Being a writer is tough work. Trying to build on everything I have written and have yet to write is a constant heartache.
You may think I write for you, but I write for me and a small number of select individuals who truly understand me. An essayist’s dream is for those individuals to actually understand what he is trying to give over. It is truly rare for someone to understand me — this is mostly because I have never truly given myself over, maybe 30% is known and 70% is left hidden between the lines.
There is a constant itch to make something new, to cross new lines, to blur new lines, to recreate the past creations which I people seem to just throw off as “been there done that” and to constantly defend oneself against the backlash of comments longing for the days of yore – those critical two liners that say “it used to be better” or “you used to be funnier” or whatever other flick of the hand that one who need not know the gut wrenching dilemmas of the writer. Those who do not know the pain of sitting with pen in hand and no words gushing forth from the mind, those who do not understand the beauty of what I seek to imprint into your minds and merely long for the slapstick days of yore. I cannot go back, nor do I wish to go back. Rewriting with new twists is possible, but very unlikely, for it feels cheap and it feels like I have failed as a writer if I cannot keep going beyond the norm — readers and fans be damned.
Damn you all who do not wish to see, wish to read between the lines and understand the irony and the blasphemy and the silent pleas for comprehension that I seek with my pen. Five understanding individuals is better than a thousand who gloss over and merely bicker over the sentences before and after the witty remarks that I have planted within the randomness of my stream of consciousness.
I, like so many writers before me, just want to be understood. I do not wish to be liked, for wishing to be liked means nothing to me if you do not comprehend. If you comprehend and disagree you are doing me a great service by the comprehension itself — do you understand?
I cannot go back and I cannot make more of something which my mind’s wishes not to think of, life changes, writing and interests change, the mind’s ability to create something out of nothing has remained strong, the Lord hath provided with multiple paths to performance — multiple ways in which I can create for others including myself to enjoy.
In the end, it is not only about comprehension, but it is about allowing others to enjoy regardless of their level of understanding. You and I will see completely different things in Chagall or Monet. No one sees the same thing — if so, what good is comprehension if we all see something else? Is it not better to get enjoyment out of said art or creation? Is it not better that someone is looking and thinking and enjoying? Maybe that is the true goal. If there ever was a goal to all the madness in my mind, maybe it was to allow others enjoyment, to allow them to feel my enjoyment at providing for their own enjoyment, because life to me is ultimately about enjoying oneself as much as possible, whether it be through religious fervency, artistic ability, artistic appreciation or passively letting it all slip away under a hallucinatory matrix, as long as the person believes that they are making the most of their time here — is that not life?
Right on to that! :^) Yes, I think the artist’s dilemma is universal to those who create something and then put it out there. Which is very brave, by the way.
Anyway, just remember that you can please all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you’ll never be able to please all of the people all of the time. And if you tried, you would be destroying your artistic integrity.
YES!
Spoken like a true creative soul…wanting to be understood as intended on the one hand and being surprised, pleasantly so, when what you put out is viewed from different perspectives. Keep doing what you’re doing – a handful will truly understand, others will enjoy…and the haters can suck it 😉
So what your saying is we’re going to get more nature stories and less 90’s Woodbourne? Dammit.
Dude there is no way I would ever stop writing about frummies, it;s my passion bro!
not to sound selfish, but this painting hangs in my grandma’s living room,and you could have written F@#$ Elana as your blog, the sheer memories of this painting at my favorite place in the world has made my day, thank you.
Your writing quality in this is quite good. You actually may want to think about writing a longer piece, say a novel, with this sort of writing rather than a lot of the humor pieces.
And I know the feeling- it’s sort of why I stopped drawing. The emotional burden became huge
I, like so many writers before me, just want to be understood. I do not wish to be liked, for wishing to be liked means nothing to me if you do not comprehend
aw, I like you! i like reading your blog, you are unique 🙂
Someones got a crush on hesh 🙂
this so so depressing, why not just go lock yourself in a room and never come out
And you, sir, can go fuck yourself.
lay off the Asher Lev, Chaim… the purest idea in that book is that a true artist must be lawless, with out a boundary, a code, limitations, obligations. To be a true artist you must be or attempt at being the most destructively selfish human being on the earth. that book perplexed me too for a while because I struggle with that balance as well.
but what I found ultimately is that art is pretension. and the grandiose sense of self needed to be a good artist is a sham and a falsehood.
as I stare at my print of Rembrandt’s The Mill I want to weep because its one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. It makes me feel things I never have. But it to is a lie. a sham.
“the grandiose sense of self needed to be a good artist is a sham and a falsehood. ”
I think it’s actually low self-esteem that causes someone to need others to validate their truest expressions. That’s why, after an artist kills himself to be recognized, and finally is, he still feels unfulfilled and stops working so hard to create. He has gotten the external validation but still feels the same internal sense of deficiency.
off the d wanna be
your premise is many times right on but your attacking it with very 2 dimensional reasoning.
study up on narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and Borderline Personality disorder (BPD)… even histrionic personality disorder (HPD)all personality disorders stem from complications with functioning and processing – how the world perceives or receives you as well and how you perceive /receive yourself and the world in relation to reality. etc etc. suicidal people are some of the most self involved people in the world, they often make everything about them.
The only thing good about suicide was the ozzy song and that BOC song about the subject, I could never relate to folks who contemplated suicide, cut themselves or took drugs.
I don’t quite get what you’re saying.
I think this is your main point,
“suicidal people are some of the most self involved people in the world”,
but what does that have to do with anything I said?
I don’t know what point you’re trying to make with personality disorders either. Can you clarify?
It was like 230 in the morning and when I read the “kill theirself to be recognized I took it literally. My bad. reading it Again I got it better so take the suicide comment out. When people have problems with selfishness or low self esteem or whatever the case. in the scientific world its not just “oh that person is just full of him self” or “oh they just have low self esteem” skews form the normative range of development and function are blocked up into personality disorders.
many in fact i would venture to say most great thinkers, leaders, artists, creators in our history have had personality disorders. in part these very disorders are what give them the ability to be innovative.
I would say almost all artists (esp by trade) have some ranging P.D.
here are the traits of a someone with NPD
Arrogance
Shamelessness
Lack of Boundries
Envy
Entitlement
Exploitation
I would say its impossible to even be creative without these traits.
We all have what is called healthy narcsisism it helps us develope correctly from birth, a child is the ultimate narcisssist because an infant think they are the center of the universe, they cannot precieve that the world is not focused around them until later. This is healthy.
Artists in order to do what they do have to be much more extreme.
I was trying to convey how its not just “oh they have low self esteem that’s why they show off.” people with self esteem problems usually have a grandiose sense of self which is why they have problems in the first place. they blow up the good things and the negative things alike. people with a PD are very prone to black and white exaggerative thinking they cannot process anything in the world past their own expiriences or failures. It is a defensive mechinism. Most of these traits are brought on by trauma and or abuse.
I agree with you. I was pointing out the general cause of most personality disorders. Early childhood trauma which causes a person to have a low self-concept, or self-esteem , which in turn brings about defense mechanisms. These become the defining behaviors of the personality disorders.
Although I’d have to do a lot more research to comment definitively on “I would say its impossible to even be creative without these traits.”
Not saying your wrong though 🙂
You may have not intended to do so, but I think you have managed to express the state of mind that a lot of people are in. The sense of wanting to help, but not knowing how or where, is something a lot of us are going through.