Sometime ago I posted about how I would love to set up folks who were off the derech, but looking for someone who is culturally frum. I have received quite a few emails from people wishing for me to set them up, but to be honest with you I would rather post your shidduch profile here and forward your emails to the person who posted the profile. With that said, most of the folks who contacted me about finding them culturally frum, but not necessarily religious partners were women (the shidduch crisis extends itself beyond the frum community) and I received an interesting email from a man last night looking for a culturally frum girl.
Dear Heshy, Good evening.
I am writing to you because I just saw your posting, “Off the Derech and Looking for a Shidduch.” This posting caught my attention because it seems to apply to me. I began going off about 8 years ago but at the end of a bitter struggle decided to remain Shomer Shabbat, kosher and continue wearing a Yarmulka. Nonetheless I consider myself a secular man even though I still keep basic observances and affiliate with an Orthodox congregation. Over the last few years, I have been very unhappy in my experiences dating religious women.
So I have recently begun dating Conservative women. I am totally OK with being in a relationship with or married to a woman who would watch TV on Shabbat. I would also have no problem if she would want me to go with her to a Conservative temple. However, I am concerned that many Conservative women would have a difficult time with the fact that I may not want to go with them to the beach or the movies on Shabbat. The most important thing is finding someone who I will be happy with and who is culturally compatible with me. I would be very interested in asking you to set me up with woman who is culturally Orthodox. I would also love to hear any other suggestions you may have for me.
(the guy wished not to have his email or name posted here in public) if you wish to contact this fellow, email me at frumsatire@gmail.com and I shall forward your email to him.
Once again, if you have a shidduch profile, resume or any other out of the box “trying to find a mate” announcement – I will post it and who knows maybe you can find your bashert.
I think a little bit more information is needed than this to get any sort of response. At least a general location and age range. (I’m not looking for an Orthoprax person, so I wouldn’t be interested either way, but a general response.)
U can make serious money setting up a dating site connected to this site. You could have normal profiles of people along with posts they liked for added compatibility.
The problem with that is that most of us are closet otds.
True that.
Unlike the guy in Heshy’s post, I’m completely secular. And atleast for me it’s hard to find OTD chicks even though I’m not “closeted”.
Where do you live?
Los Angeles
In no way is it a problem to meet up with secular Jewish girls… but formerly frum
I didn’t go on a date with you from OKCupid, did I? But I’m on my way out of LA, anyway.
No you didnt.
-I havent heard of OKCupid till I googled it a sec ago.
Well, while most of the dates I’ve been on through OKC have been secular/non-Jewish men, I met a couple of formerly frum guys that way. And, hey, I’m on there (though I need to change my locale soon) so there is/was at least one formerly frum girl.
I’ll check it out.
Is it me or does there seem to be significantly more guys going OTD than girls?
According to Heshy, most of the emails he received were from women. But I think the OTD “crisis” is definitely perceived that guys are more likely to leave than girls, but I’m not sure if there’s really as big a divide as it seems. Though, thinking of people who I know who totally went off, other than me, it’s mostly guys. So who knows. (Of course, I know plenty of BY girls who slept around, but still ended up married to a nice bochur in the community, so I don’t think it counts.)
My anecdoctal experience: I know no OTD girls, and many of my friends are OTD guys.
Heshy make an OTD shidduch site already 🙂 !!!
Why do you need an OTD girl if you’re completely secular? Find a secular Jew.
From what I hear, very often OTD’s and native secular Jews don’t make the greatest mix. It’s kind of like the situation between Baalei Teshuva and Frum From Births. Baalei Teshuva often prefer to marry among each other. But yes it is a problem that there are more OTD guys than girls.
I’m OTD and married to a Reform Jew. It’s not a big deal. Of course I was OTD for a few years before I met her, so I’d already gotten used to the secular world.
I mostly date foreign, and sometimes american non-Jews. I don’t relate to OTD Jews because I’m very not “otd” type.
Probably because many native secular are just regular people, whereas many OTD types are either evil, or have emotional baggage, and who in their right mind would want to get with them?
OTD’s are not evil. There are people from every background that have baggage. My previous comment about OTD-Native Secular couples is based on what I have seen among people I know. Maybe it is not as dramatic as I originally thought. Many secular people are open minded and curious about those who come from esoteric backgrounds. This does not change my original assertion that people who are culturally similar tend to feel more comfortable with each other. This is why I feel that increasing opportunities for OTD men and women to date each other is an idea that should be seriously explored.
did you succeed in finding?
Match maker match maker strike me a match…
Great idea Hesh! But I agree with the 1st poster that more info is needed.
How old is this guy? I might either be interested or be able to recommend someone else who might be appropriate, but I would need more information about him.
Perhaps if the religious communities would be willing to set up people who are not Shomer Shabbat, we could prevent a lot of intermarriage and “shidduch crises.”
He sent me the following info:
Profile Stats:
Live: New York area
Age: 38
Profession: Healthcare Administration
Education: Bachelor in Business
Biography – If you could add a day to the week, what would you learn that you don’t know already? I admit that I can still get a little nostalgic about my college years. It was one of the few opportunities life provided me to learn all sorts of cool things without many distractions. Learning is central to my life. In fact, one of my favorite pastimes is browsing at Barnes & Noble’s. If you had to choose your favorite section of the bookstore, which one would it be? Also central to my life is giving to others. I use the know-how that I gained working in a Human Resources Department to help my friends create professional looking resumes. I share with them my insight about what hiring managers look for when they read resumes. I also volunteer my computer and bookkeeping skills to help prepare a young disabled man to find a job. What excites you about life?
Perfect First Date – One thing I learned along the way is that dates are best when they are left to the imagination. I could write a minute-by-minute breakdown of how I would like our date to look. But I won’t. All I will say is that we’ll start small and build from there. How we do it will be a surprise.
Excellent
I am the one who wrote the letter. This could really be the beginning of something revolutionary because those of us in the religious-light/culturally frum/OTD community need shidduchim. As Heshy wrote in the original piece a year ago none of the dating websites have a category that addresses our needs.
Hi,
Anyone looking for a shidduch who comes from a situation of being frum and struggling, or who is close to OTD/ OTD or orthoprax etc I am openminded, 30 years old, currently in Israel, but would consider myself questioning judaism and practice. If you’d like to get to know me email me, even if to chat.
be well
chavatzellet@yahoo.com
god bless you hesh, this is great. we need a place to go. its so lonely but it doesnt have to be. there are so many of us…
im so sorry you feel lonely!
If you go to frumster, wouldn’t most of the people in the “conservadox” and “modern orthodox liberal” categories fit? What am I missing here? (And since I’m not a woman, I’m not nominating myself!)
Hasqafa/theology maybe? Secular but culturally Orthodox sounds more like “Frum Reconstructionist”/Orthoprax than religious believer but on the left of the Orthodox spectrum, but maybe I’m making distinctions where there are none.
Talkin’ ’bout a revolution, yeah yeah. Finally the tables have started to turn, talkin’ bout a revolution, yeah yeah.
MEET YOUR OWN G-D DAMN NEEDS PEOPLE!!! NO ONE ELSE GIVES A CRAP ABOUT YOU EXCEPT YOU. EVERYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO HELP YOU LACKS THE PROPER RESOURCES TO HELP, AND EVERYONE WHO HAS THE RESOURCES DOES NOT CARE- WHY SHOULD THEY CARE ABOUT YOU? IT’S TIME TO MEET OUR OWN NEEDS AND STOP EXPECTING SOCIETY OR COMMUNITY TO CARE ABOUT OUR WELL-BEING. OBVIOUSLY, IT HASN’T WORKED.
Self-sufficiency- It’s the only real way to get Sh’t done, people.
I can see it now, a dating site for Observant horny yidden
*wait for it*
*drumroll*
.
.
.
.
Frum Satyr
I laughed.
In what way are you secular? You’ve mostly described in this post how religious you are.
On the other hand I can see why you need to date someone who is culturally Orthodox, thinking as you are about marriage before you even meet the person
Why not just try to meet lots of women of any religious orientation, just to hang out and chill without any preconceived expectations, and wait and see how it goes
@ Heshy women are far more likely than men to turn to third parties for dating assistance, so I don’t think it is actually representative of the number of culturally Orthodox men and women
For example of the sad cases that result when the biological facts of reproduction are denied in the name of equal rights see the following:
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/california-sperm-donor-stalks-mother-lawsuit-gay-friends/story?id=11618727
Note how the gay dad is absolutely vilified for acting like what he is- a father.
A civil union that gave legal recognition to all civil and monetary aspects the couples partnership but excluded kinship, would have avoided all this.
hey man I meant to post that on the gay marriage thread. can you fix it?
Hello there,
Speaking as newly OTD guy who has actively searched for an OTD lady, they are hard to find. *None* include keywords such as “OTD” or “derech” or “frum” in their Jdate/OKCupid/Craigslist profiles. Anyway, I’m good looking and have my act together professionally/academically. Contact info above for any interested OTD ladies.
Ari
hey im a little late but i would wish to go on a date with a girl otd im so far frum and in the closet but would love to meet up that special one and leave the closet with her
I grew up in a Orthodox home that was friendly with most Chassadic groups. In high school, I was an atheist, but encountered Lubavitch. I was accepted to Ivy League universities, but decided on Yeshiva University where I consistently made the dean’s list with highest honors. The Rebbe asked me to leave Yeshiva University, and study full-time in a Lubavitcher yeshiva. I studied in Lubavitch for many years till they threw me out for being a meshugina and coming late to shiurem.
What can I say, I have ADHD, and have always been a little crazy. I am able to accomplish in short bursts of study what takes others a long time. In many ways, I am different than most humans.
I still love Lubavitch, the Rebbe, Chassidus, the Talmud, and the Torah. At the deepest level, that is who I am, and who I always will be.
Today, I am not religious. I don’t believe the Torah God I know would allow any sentient creature to be tortured to insanity. The Torah and the Talmud taught me kindness and rachmones you don’t see anywhere else in the world. I embody all the kindness and compassion our sages taught. My home and my heart is open to every creature.
I see a unified universe. Part of us exists in every sentient being, and part of every sentient being exists in us. I focus on the good in everything.
I was a child prodigy. I have a strong command of physics, thermodynamics, electrical engineering, formal logic, AI, human history, and US Constitutional law.
I love nature, wildlife, and the great outdoors. I am a passionate human being. Sometimes a little wild, sometimes a little mischevious, always over the top.
I play tournament table tennis, tournament chess, and tournament Scrabble. And I am a gourmet Pescetarian chef. I do not eat mammals, fowl, or seafood, though I do eat kosher fish. So, I guess you could say my diet is essentially kosher.
I seek a female whose heart is filled with as much love as mine. Together we could alter the future of this world.
With infinite loving-kindness,
.