Slimy Shmuli: The Hot Chanie Counterpart
Guest Post by Talia G.
Everyone knows that Hot Chanies are the frum-but-sexy women, mainly based in Flatbush and the 5 Towns, who tend to wear sexy sheitels, tight leather and denim skirts (but of course long enough to cover the knees, at least in a standing position), and eat sushi and their uber-expensive foreign-sounding Starbucks coffees. While their husbands have only been called hockers as of yet, there’s a new term for the Hot Chanie Husband: Slimy Shmuli.
Introduced to me by Gila Manolson (of The Magic Touch fame), Slimy Shmulis are the male counterpart to your typical Hot Chanie.
Clothing: Since they’re all loaded (someone’s gotta make money to support Hot Chanies’ expensive shopping habits), it’s the typical pinstriped Armani-type suit, expensive leather shoes, etc.
Yarmulke: Black velvet is a given, and a black hat for shul and simchas.
Job: No one’s entirely sure, but he’s usually in real estate or some sort of shady business that he doesn’t declare on his taxes.
Car: Some sort of luxury car, like a Lexus or Escalade, seating approximately ten because the Hot Chanie wife wants to keep up with the Steins and have the same amount of kids as the rest of her circle of friends (minimum five or six, preferably with a set of twins thrown in).
House: Unconditionally huge, after all Hot Chanies have to live in the lap of luxury. Half-circle driveway and thirty-foot tall columns with a chandelier (yes, chandelier outside the house but let’s not forget the multiple chandeliers inside the house), multiple wings to the house (and of course the team of maids have their own wing because who wants them anywhere near the kids), and always in a phase of construction. Despite all the money he’s invested into it, the Slimy Shmuli rarely sees the inside of the house because he’s too busy making deals outside the home.
Relationship with Kids: Um…there’s a relationship? After conception there’s very little contact, they might make a two or three-minute appearance at the bat/bar mitzvah but that’s the end of it.
Relationship with Hot Chanie Wife: Pretty much same as with kids – after conception of children very little contact, except for when Chanie needs more money or another credit card for her shopping/eating habits.
Where They Can Be Found: Wherever a Hot Chanie can be found…Flatbush, 5 Towns, LA, London, occasionally a sighting on the Upper West Side, and Miami during vacation times.
Technology: Bluetooth is a given (are there waterproof Bluetooths for the shower?). Two Blackberrys, one for deals and one for personal business, with the Bluetooth connected to both (is that even possible? I guess Slimy Shmulis are rich enough to make it possible).
How about Slick Shmuley?
I don’t like Slimy Shmuly, it doesn’t sound right. Too many syllables.
Or smooth.
Their name wouldnt be Shmuli it would be Shragi.
LAME post, sorry.
Looks like Material Maidel coined the term a while ago – http://mmaidel.blogspot.com/2008_11_01_archive.html
Good, but this is the HC’s husband rather than “the male equivalent of” – which would be frum-cum-metrosexual, if it exists.
you forgot the mention the Hot Chanies found in Crown Heights 🙂
What about Monsey? You have loads of Slimy Shmulis and Huge McMansions; Two minivans per household; giant lawn; giant pool; hot chanis replace new wardrobe every two months.
Slimy Shmulis are mortgage brokers; real estate brokers; lawyers; doctors; dentists; clothing manufacturers; product manufacturers; computer programmers; accountants; actuaries.
You’ve also forgotten to mention: The divorce rate is going up. One out of every fifteen Hot Chani/Slimy Shmuly households will get divorced, move to another area, and marry someone else.
I agree. Slimy Shmuli is not resonant enough. I have a better name: Jack Abramoff.
Btw, is the mad dash for cash the new avodah zarah?
And what do you call these guys before they get married? When they’re out chasing tail at night and studying Torah during the day?
“And what do you call these guys before they get married? When they’re out chasing tail at night and studying Torah during the day?”
Humans.
Slimy or not, Jack Abramoff ain’t a Slimy Shmuli. He/his family lives in Silver Spring. He’s got waaaay too much of an out-of-towner and BT vibe going on to be a Slimy Shmuli. And his wife ain’t a Hot Chanie. Which begs the question, in order for someone to be qualified as a Slimy Shmuli…must he in fact be married to a Hot Chanie? Or would a non-HC spouse render him non-SS?
“He/his family lives in Silver Spring. He’s got waaaay too much of an out-of-towner and BT vibe going on to be a Slimy Shmuli”
Right on!
@drumintellect- which part of being human calls for learning torah all day?
also the name usually will be yanky, moish, yitz, or yossi.
I didn’t explain myself clearly enough.
I mean the contradiction of learning torah (which is supposed to be a spiritual pursuit) at day and chasing tail (which is a physical pursuit) at night is the nature of humans.
I hope that clarifies things for you.
Kissme,
He was trying to say that it isn’t so bad that these guys are sometimes not so erlich at night. After all we’re all just “Human”.
Just like pedophiles. They’re just dealing with their taivos.
You have yours and they have their’s.
You indulging in yours is ‘hurtful’ to G-d, and them indulging in their’s is hurtful to children.
Right drum?
I wrote what I observe to be true.
It’s not really nice to put words in my mouth or to pretend I said things that I didn’t say.
Perhaps in your world following a basic desire to engage other people in conversation or to find companionship is the same as committing a crime or abusing children. Not in mine.
What I wrote isn’t even controversial for religious Jews. The concept of having two competing desires (to do good and bad) is found throughout the bible and religious writings. If you need me to quote some to you, feel free to send me an email.
I’m blowing up your statement to demonstrate that it’s ultimately not excuseable simply due to being ‘human’ and having desires.
I think I misunderstood you originally. Where as I understood you were saying it is a basic human desire to learn Torah too, you in fact said no such nonsense and had been referring only to chasing tail. The Torah part was the inhuman part. Glad I clarified.
Yes I kind of prefer Slick Shloimi over Slimy Shmueli. Its more synonymous. Anyhoo, how are those types any different than Hockers? They could (as well as the Hot Chanies) could be found here in Israel too if you look in the heligeh city of Bnei Brak, Har Nof, or Ramat Eshkol.Most of them are American but that trend is pervading within the Israeli population.
Hockers don’t really have their own money. They just have fancy leased cars and money from daddy warbucks (father in law). Rarely ever really self made wealth.
totally agree. they spend their father in law’s money and try to act all fly when in reality they did nothing to earn it other then agree to marry someone for the money.
Yea I agree, drop the “slimy”, it doesn’t sound right.
Also, he may wear a black velvet OR a black suede.
you forgot to mention his boych. His wife might be in smokin shape, but he eats half his meals on ave. j.
Weak.
it IS possible to have both phones connected to one bluetooth 🙂
C’mon this is not even close to how good the geder of hot chanis, I don’t think slimy is a good term, it is way to negative. Also are hot chani spouses slimy?
I constantly hear about the “stereotypical” hot chanie’s but what do you call the lakewood/kollel-wife/yeshivish chicks.
There are tons of “sexy sheitel” types in the lakewood world. They aren’t living and acting like 5-town japs and their husbands are from from hockers BUT they look hot, they know it, they want you to know it, but they’ll never be seen in starbucks or dressing like a hooker.
I’d have to say that those Lakewood sexy sheitel types you talk about are indeed Hot Chanies! It could be that 10-15 years ago they were just hottie kollel wives. But Lakewood has evolved, not just a bunch of yungelite anymore. Loads of those mansions built by guys with bluetooths who’s wives wear tight skirts and drink a variety of caffeinated beverages (only instead of Starbucks it’s Four Corners or a few other similar joints)
fair enough–but where do you draw the line between a hot chanie and simply a hot frum woman. There are many frum woman are good looking but don’t fit the hot chanie mold. There has to be a “line” somewhere that distinguishes between a good looking woman and a hot chanie.
I can say for sure that many woman become “simcha hot chanies”–they look normal most of the time but all of a sudden transform into slut look-a-likes at a wedding/simcha
You raise excellent points. Tzarich iyun. Freilechen Chanuka
Why don’t you put together a documentary on all the various types of Hot Chanies worldwide?
I’m sure there are plenty of other hornymen out there who would make it a profitable investment for you.
I highly doubt my wife would approve–especially since she’s gained a few pounds recently!
I was thinking of “Feste Fishel” or maybe “Shpitzy Shimon”.
Nah, too gay…
Hold on a sec, Hot Chanie’s names can start with two different first letters, so why can’t her hubby’s too?
“Smooth Chezky”?
I don’t know.
The guy is much more difficult to find a name for. I don’t even have a good idea of what the name is supposed to describe. For her it’s just “Hot” and that’s it.
Oh well, Hot Chanies are much more fun to talk about anyway.
Hello everyone. I’d like to add that in the Bukharian area of Rego Park this kind of person is ubiquitous. Over here these guys like to wear leather shoes with squared and elongated toes. This is some kind of cool Uzbek thing, I think. And the bluetooths!! Nail on the head. Loved this!