Just because we just finished Pesach and it’s chumra madness doesn’t mean you can’t one up all of your neighbors with chumros. If not for sefiras ha-omer all of the machmir police would have to wait until the three weeks to out-frum their neighbors. How frum can you get during the omer? I just found out that Acapella Music is assur because it sounds like music – even though it officially is not.
Ways to be extra frum during the omer:
Erase all of the music on your Ipod and load it with shmuzem. Chas V’shalom you should transgress the omer and listen to music.
Only enter frum stores so you don’t hear any music on the periphery.
Do not bathe; this is a period of mourning after all.
Do not buy anything new, including food. Going the extra step can bring the mourning a bit closer to home.
Don’t wash your clothing.
Refrain from eating meat. Even fish may be a bit too fancy for these times of sadness.
Refrain from smiling. Showing happiness is assur.
Do not have any sexual relations; this should be assur if it’s not for the purpose of having children anyway.
If you can afford to, you should close your business. Business may provide the means for you to buy new things which is clearly assur.
Do not wear colorful clothing – women should never wear color obviously – but men should refrain from too much color as it shows signs of happiness.
Do not use the internet for there may be music that emanates from your speaks when you load a page.
Do not trim your nose hairs for you may come to give yourself a haircut.
Sell your shaver to a non-Jew and buy it back after the omer.
Do not wear leather shoes, but make sure not to wear crocs or converse sneakers because they are stylish and comfortable.
Make sure to adjust the heat and air conditioning to levels that it uncomfortable in your home – unless you are learning torah.
Refrain from talking about the current day with regards to anything, for you may come to mentioning the day of the omer and revoke the day’s status.
Turn your cell phone ringer off lest you listen to a joyous ringtone.
Try to visit as many shadchanim as possible because they cause so much pain.
“Try to visit as many shadchanim as possible, because they cause so much pain.”
awesome line !! you still got it heshy!
Ditto. Excellent post and that line just brings it home.
I was with you right up until “Crocs are stylish and comfortable” 🙂
Maybe he means real live crocodiles.
Definitely not comfortable to have any part of your body inside a crocodile.
Oooh, kinky.
Depends which part of the crocodile you’re talking about.
“I just found out that Acapella Music is assur because it sounds like music – even though it officially is not.”
Just wanted to clarify what I heard from R’ Rudinsky on that topic. If I recall correctly, the Talmud compares listening to live instruments to the kind of joy we are supposed to avoid during sefira. Singing always was allowed, as it was not considered as much of a celebration.
However, since recorded music didn’t exist back then, there arises the question in modern times of whether or not this ban should apply to a recording, or strictly to only live music.
An overwhelming majority of Orthodox Jews have adopted the “no recorded music” chumra, however Acapella / Chazzanus is ok since there are no instruments involved.
Here’s what Rudinsky said on the topic: Some acapella musicians are very good, and are able to make it sound like there are instruments involved (despite it only being emulated by human vocals). If you are going to hold that recorded music is forbidden, then you are saying that you consider the electronic reproduction of something that sounds like music to be like live music. If so, from a strictly technical perspective, who cares if the source was a live instrument or a person pretending to be a live instrument? The digital data is still producing the same sounds from the speaker!
So, really, one could say this is proof that even recorded music should be allowed. But if you’re already going to be machmir enough to say that recorded music is assur, you can’t really say that Acapella is OK. You’re either all in, or all out.
Make more sense now?
So Bobby McFerrin is out as are these guys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSpuVsLnl1k (Van Canto doing an acapella cover of a Metalica song)
No beatboxing with our mouth, no whistling- it all sounds like music.
“Try to visit as many shadchanim as possible because they cause so much pain.”
– I got a good laugh out of that line. Thank you Heshy.
“Turn your cell phone ringer off lest you listen to a joyous ringtone.”
…
I know quite a few people who do this.
Yasher koiyach, Mordy! “All in or all out”
But what about an Acapella female “instrumentalist” and kol isha?
If you disallow Acapella in general during sefira, holding that the voice should be considered like instrumental music, then, after sefira,
female instrumental Acapella should be allowed. After all, it’s music, not voice.
Yochanon, you’re right. In fact, many halachik authorities hold that kol isha is only a problem to hear live, and is far less of a problem to listen to a recording.
But the reason for Kol Isha is something else entirely- has less to do with the joy of listening to music, and more to do with tznius. If you hear something that sounds like a girl singing, and picture the girl singing it, that could fall under the sort of situation the rabbis are trying to prevent.
However, if you are listening to a recording of a woman singing and have no idea what she looks like, its hard to say there could be any kind of halachic problem with that. Since the situation can get rather complicated, most people just say you can’t listen to girls singing at all. I have a problem with “gedarim on gedarim” like that, but hey- I’m not in charge.
“Turn your cell phone ringer off lest you listen to a joyous ringtone.”
I have an old-fashioned ringer all year round in order to get around that problem.
Great post!
What about plucking your nose hairs with a tweezer?
YOU SAID, “Do not have any sexual relations; this should be assur if it’s not for the purpose of having children anyway.”
WHAT IF YOUR HUSBAND IS IMPOTENT?
WHAT IF ALL THE MEDS IN THE WORLD DON’T WORK?
DOES ONE NEED TO REFRAIN FROM RELATIONS IF YOUR SPOUSE’S THING IS DEFECTIVE?