Dear Heshy,
I have a predicament which I’m sure you can help me with. I grew up frum, fairly yeshivish by some standards and then during my year in Israel I decided to go off the derech. I have since become frum and have started in shidduchim and am having trouble telling shadchanim and friends exactly who I am. As you know, your back round and your label or category are the most important things that folks in the shidduch world use to set you up. No girl in her right mind would date someone who cannot say if they are FFB or BT and I have no idea what I should call myself.
Confused about BT or FFB,
Dear FFBOTDBT,
In a world where labels are everything, you have posed one of the most difficult questions in a long time. I am hesitant to call you a baal teshuva because you know certain things that no BT could ever know. You understand social norms, body language and have the ability to play real Jewish geography which all discredit your BT status. Then again, you have experienced a love of Hashem and Torah like any normal BT which should really entitle you to a true BT status. Now you understand a bit more of the conundrum.
In all honesty, I wouldn’t call you a baal teshuva, even though in reality you are the true baal teshuva. You grew up with the restrictions were able to leave and experience shrimp, 3 day weekends and period sex and still return to not having drip coffee on shabbos, crappy horn filled rock music and sex abuse cover ups – much harder for someone who’s doing it knowing exactly what he’s getting into rather than the full on BT who has an Aish enhanced romantic version of beautiful shabbos meals and inspiring davening.
If I were you I would be up front with shadchanim about your back round. While being a BT has its pluses (you are more likely to be set up with sexually experienced girls who have an education) being an FFB is far more esteemed because if you’re older than 24 you will enjoy the same perks as BT’s and still have your pick of all the yichusdicke girls.
You are in a fairly unique situation and so you can judge each shadchan accordingly, Brooklyn yentas are best kept to FFB status, but if you plan on dating out of town you can switch it up a bit.
Find out more about Baal Teshuva dating on 4torah.com
or we could, you know, change a system that favors labels over substance.
Na, na. Then how would you know who to look down on?
What if you just told shadchanim “I’m Jewish” when they ask your background. That would REALLY mess ’em up!
We should start a trend.
Call him or her Virtuous. Innocence is what you have if you don’t know and follow the rules by default. Virtue is what you have when you know both sides and make an informed choice to do good.
The modern social meaning of BT is that you were raised not religious from a non-religious family and then became frum. That’s probably because that’s where most of the BTs in the recent generation(s) have come from. So in terms of what you tell people, you might as well say FFB because your BT experience isn’t enough to make you a BT in the eyes of the types of people who are asking.
I thought he question was, If an FFB goes OTD and then comes back on the derech and clopps his shtender in the woods alone, does the chopping make a sound?
You are an “at risk teen” in recovery
There’s actually a name for it. The group identifying themselves in Israel by this category are called “Datlashim”, or “DatiLe’SheAvar”.
No, that’s for people who are currently OTD. Datlashim doesn’t apply to people who have come back.
Im datlash
What you are talking about, is, datlash’lash
An FFB who goes OTD and then comes back on is the classic definition of a BT. But for shidduch purposes, you are FFB.
In any case, once the shadchanim figure our your history, they will only match you will FFB girls who went OTD and then came back again.
FFB OTD OWB On the Way Back. Plenty of people like that who should use that name like my wife who if I had thought about the fact that I am a BT and should not have proposed on the 4th night, I would not be looking for a place to crash 7 years and 2 kids later
What
Unless you think they will know/find out, just say FFB. Then date BTs and converts. They will be thrilled to date you. FFB girls are really picky and most would stick their nose up at you. To them, having an FFB guy goes without saying…
Best advice!!
I have to disagree. As a convert I don’t think I have much in common with a person who is FFB. It doesn’t matter if he had some ‘break’. Being raised in the secular culture and experiencing very few restriction in your adolescence/early adulthood is a totally different experience then being raised frum. If someone after such an experience choose to become religious it has also entirely different meaning than just going back to where one’s family is. Coverts and BTs sometimes have to deal with hostile relatives/nonsupporting friends (not my experience but I’ve read a lot of sad stories). FFB has his happy mother who gladly serves him cholent on Shabbos seuda. So such a union is a little risky, but of course it’s only my humble opinion. 🙂
I would be disgusted, if I actually was planning on ever going out with an FFB guy. Which I am not. So there ya go.
Just say FFB whos “been around the block”
I was under the impression that FFBWAFL (frum from birth with a few lapses) was the preferred nomenclature here.
I must say,I am failing to detect even minute traces of satire in this post.
Great advice though!
Disgusted by the truth of this article…
FFB WTO (with time out)