I was walking home Friday night and I noticed that one of the Nebs of our shul was walking home without a meal, I immediately rushed down the street to grab him. One of the people who were coming to us was a little dismayed at the thought of having some weirdo ruin the dynamic of our young and hip drunken shabbos meal we had planned, but the thought of letting someone go home alone is beyond reproach with me. I started to wonder about how shuls and communities dealt with or treated the local nebach crowd. Every shul, no matter how wealthy, exclusive, or cool, cannot escape the nebach. Nebach or Nebs as they are commonly knows, are losers. They aren’t always losers per se, but they have this older weird single guy who lives with their parents kind of vibe that usually wears out its welcome pretty quickly.
To tell the truth, I was actually kind of shocked that this guy was not invited anywhere. I have to remember that most people aren’t as comfortable with the self inviting that I have practiced since I was in yeshiva, in fact I’ve gotten emails from folks becoming frum asking me how to “get invited” for shabbos meals and the idea of inviting themselves to strangers was beyond them. However, our community is known as the friendliest and kindest around, the type of place where people fight over guests to come to their home for the meal, how could someone go home empty handed. If anyone could understand the plight of a Neb, I can definitely understand, but I’m not sure if Nebs self identify as Nebs. Even though I may have grown into a Neb, had I not married and become a chef, I would have enough balls to invite myself to people’s houses anyway. Many of our local Nebachs aren’t from frum backgrounds and don’t know the finer points of setting up shabbos meals beforehand or just getting a place to eat.
Was it possible that this fellow was walking home without a meal, because no one had invited him. He clearly needed a meal and I was down, and yes he was weird, but the guests didn’t mind and we felt really good about having someone over who really needed a meal. But I began to wonder if I could stand him every shabbos, I wondered if others who got “stuck” with a table of Nebs because of their kindheartedness would reach some kind of breaking point and not have Nebs over anymore?
I remember when I was single, I started having to make sure that the meals I was invited to were not full of the same old Nebach, older single weirdos that tend to get stuck with the younger singles. There is definitely something to gripe about the needy Neb who never seems to contribute to the shul, yet keeps coming, mooching food, and never really growing out of their Nebbitude. How does a community deal with that? Or does the community just deal with it how everyone else does, let them do their thing with the hope that they will go away. That seems to be the common strategy.
Then again, a shul with no Nebs seems to be a selfish existence. In our shul we have dudes who are obviously lonely, coming just to be around some people and be welcomed. Some of these folks are rediscovering Judaism, so what if they are down on their luck, everyone has issues, everyone has problems and allowing yourself to become selfish to the point where someone who has no family, can’t be invited because they will ruin your meal dynamic is a bit harsh don’t you think?
I know how I’ve felt as a single guy 3000 miles away from home, so I sure as hell don’t want anyone, even if they are unsightly or annoying, to not have a shabbos meal. Of course, the wife has the last call, but she’s even more kindhearted than I am.
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As one of the older single weirdo Nebs in my modern community, I’m very lucky. I get invited out most of time. Only once in a while do I have to scrounge invites, usually around secular holidays when people are visiting family who live out-of-town communities for shabbos.
But I’m one of the less weird-appearing Nebs, I suspect. I often see a few weirdo Nebs, young and old, who don’t ever seem to get invited because they don’t dress in fashionable clothes, don’t have gym-perfect physiques, or don’t have career-networking value for the upwardly-mobile types at my shul. I don’t mind the ones weirder than I am, except when they have miserable personal hygeine. Nothing reeks as bad as old-man-smell on a 55-year-old bachelor on a hot summer day
But we also have some serious moochers visit our shul too. Some are frequent flyer JFKs who park themselves at the herring bowl. Some have even admitted that they call the shul office on Friday morning to find out if there is a simcha kiddush worth mooching. Some only come to say kaddish once or twice a year; you never see them on non-yahrzeit shabbos or on a chag. The sympathy factor scores them an invite when they are saying kaddish.
My own favorite invites are when a guy at shul invites me for a meal right after davening and makes his wife and kids hurry to put out an extra chair and place-setting. The kids don’t mind so much, but I relish the annoyed look on the face of the wife.
I know a 55 yr old single professional. He gets invited to homes that serve the finest Shabbos & Yuntuf meals, but never to a home with a girl looking for a shidduch because he lives in a Chabad community where all the available girls are in their 20s.
I always feel guilty and intruding when one spouse is OK with last minute guests and the other has the fuck-this-shit look.
You did not mention the Nebettes, the female version of a Neb. Sadly, they get even less invites than the men. Single, older women weirdos are even less likely to ask for an invite and less wanted as they serve no minion usefulness. Put them on your list too. They may be more lonely than you can imagine. Also, you have to understand that every nebbie has a story. You might be surprised at how they became that way.
“Minyan.” I know, it’s a yiddish word, and there’s no correct English spelling, but “minion” means something completely different.
Well, the minions of minyans that ignore the nebettes and don’t encourage their wives and children to be more gracious and accepting of others who are different perpetuate the negative religious stereotypes.
That goes for spelling police who miss the context over a typo.
I actually think it’s funnier as-is.
wow, i hope that guy isnt reading ur blog (wait was that me, i ate at your house last week but im not a neb)
When I write about thinks, I usually wait a month or so.
you mean thoughts?
No, things
Nebs are basically the only genuine feeling thing about Jewish living. Everything else feels like self-involved feel good crap that distracts people from the neb inside. OJ is a crock – because it thinks the neb is weird and other. The neb is real OJ. The rest of you are Jewish evangelical Xtians at heart. You left Judaism behind years ago (aka the neb at the core of your soul.) You became as hungry for crap thinking as any Xtian. Well done.
huh?
Great heartfelt response. I really think this is true and insightful, even though it is clearly difficult for you to express with clarity.
this is a very good post- i’ve often thought about this subject. It is kind of a catch-22: its a major and impertive mitzvah to be machnis orchim- whilst at the same time if you get stuck at a meal with nebuchs- it can be extreamly awkward and tedious- especially if its one of those meals where you are held hostage.
i myself have been in some well-known upper west side meals- that are almost always majority nebuchs- i know from my experience of being really freaked out and feeling very uncomfortable, i would not want to go back.
However its very good that sanctuaries like these exist- to make nebuchs feel comfortable and welcome- those holy hosts are really being incredibly moser nefesh to do this every shabbos.
great post- keep it up heshy
Aren’t upper west siders rich and douchey? Can you be a douchey neb?
Thats true- however there is a very interesting diversity that anyone who has spent some time on the west side can tell you- and that is despite the UWS having lots of fresh faced rich upwardly mobile young MOdox singles- it also has its fair share of very very weird nebuchy people- everyone knows who the nebs are- they usually hang out at the regular hot spots- OZ, JC- so you have a mixture- i would say nebs make up approx 20% of the UWS community.
certain areas have very high concentrations of nebuchs. from my personal and anecdotal experience:
1) out-of-town- esp small towns, mid-west, texas, south etc.
2) Baltimore.
3) in NYC: the order is:
1) Queens.
2) Kensington area of brooklyn.
3) Upper West Side.
its also an interesting socialogical point to note: the highest concentration of nebs are usually found in modern orthodox or BT communities. It is much harder to find nebs in chasidish communities like satmar, belz etc. Also you dont find them in israeli/sephardish communities like syrians and persians.
This is why it sucks to be single. If you’re not a model, and aren’t making big bucks, singles find it very difficult assimilating into a shul community. It’s really not worth it being single and shomer shabbos.
Agreed, if you are not part of the mindless breeding machine you are not useful.
Can’t believe even a so-called ‘neb’ if s/he had any sense at all would want to be on the receiving end of your charming hospitality. Such condescension! If you can’t appreciate their eccentric, needy company, then don’t invite.
Who would be the polar opposite of nebs? Hockers? Machers? Both?
Hot Chanis and hocker/machers? For sure
Also — how about Autistic people? OK not Nebs, but a similar “oh man do we HAVE to invite THAT guy?” I did a search for any kind of conversations or blog posts about this, but all I could find were angry diatribes about being more welcoming…which is great, but I’d love to see an article called “How to manage a Shabbos meal with people on the spectrum.”
People are really nice on the outside, but I’m sure they’re just thinking “oh man, they better have good food at least.
I was diagnosed 4 years ago with Asperger Syndrome. Part of me says “Fuck you! That’s insulting.” The other part says “Some of us can be hard to deal with. I see your point.”
The real reason Nebs don’t get invites… Ayin hara
http://www.atorahminute.com/2013-11-13
I doubt very much this is the uppermost thought in anyone’s mind whether or not they wish to offer hospitality. Sounds rather bizarre as a reason in this day and age.
In all my years in the frum community I have never heard anyone even mention ayin hara in connection with hospitality (or having a shiur in your house, etc.). Maybe in that rabbi’s community it’s an issue, but I think most Ashkenazi communities ignore Nebs for other reasons. (Which have been well detailed already)
Pussy.
You sure have developed some super mentchlichkeit since you got married in
Anybody ever have a Shabbos meal guest with Tourette’s Syndrome give a dvar Torah?
I’m that older female neb, that walks home from shul nearly every shabbos without a meal. I’ve tried hosting folks only to get last minute cancels, after I spend a small fortune to make a great meal. I’ve given up asking for invites because people think I’m weird and treat me accordingly. I’m polite, but rather shy stereotypical computer programmer, but in female form. So yeah, by occupation I am likely somewhere on the ‘spectrum’ I often feel less than human and ashamed on shabbos.
The rare invite I get, let me tell you I am thrilled beyond belief. I am on a high all week. It is so rare, it is very special and memorable. Inviting that nerd girl who has nowhere will make that girl’s week and be fond memories for some time.
Yet another manufactured classification dreamed up by delusional self-righteous cultists, who project their own weirdness onto others.
As Bob Marley might say: Judge not, before you judge yourself.
You wanna see weird? Watch a bunch of “normal” people spending $100 on a lemon to shake around in their $1000 phylacteries next to their subjugated wife in her $3000 Indian hair piece. Now that’s “nebach”.
You are do wrong.
It’s not a lemon.
At my shul when we were living in Baltimore (and davening at Darchei Tzedek) we had a whole group of individuals who are of the “interesting type” as well as a couple of young adults (over 21) who are mentally challenged. I can tell you this: every single person has a place to go. One guy in particular, who is high functioning autism (I believe) rarely eats at his own parents house where he lives – he is most often invited out to one of a myriad of people’s houses. That shul is a very special place.
Heshy, this was a super depressing post.
As a single female neb, shabbos is a lonely day. I hardly every get invited out although people always say “we would love to have you over some time!”. It is much harder for a girl to ask for invites….