I never really liked the high holidays, I love succos, but when it came to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, I would always fall flat on face and wonder how I the ultimate sinner could approach the lord and ask for forgiveness for things I didn’t regret doing and knew I would do again the second the yuntiff was over – I was sure that God was up their laughing at me and everyone else for trying to scam him into giving us another year of plenty or at least life.
I never really let that struggle get to me until several years ago, I guess I bottled up all of my questions, skepticism and angst over asking forgiveness for things that I definitely knew were wrong, but didn’t really care, or did I. One year someone told me that asking God for clarity to understand my struggle was just like teshuvah, so I prayed and still do pretty frequently for an understanding of my wrong doing and for God to put me on a level where I can ask for forgiveness and want to change – yes I want to change certian things – but as I am reading along in viduy I can see all the stuff that I know in my heart will be transgressed by me over and over again.
So I get the High Holiday blues, for instance this past shabbos I was in San Jose, I go to San Jose for several reasons, I absolutely love the people there, they have two copies of the Reb Yaakov biography (he’s my favorite gadol) and the Rabbi spews forth a fire and brimstone mussar from the pulpit that takes me back to the days of Khelm (I’m a bit young for those days, but he really rebukes the congregation and doesn’t sway on his machmir stance)
I was sitting in shul on Friday night and he was ranting about people coming late to shul when we have only a few days to Rosh Hashanah, until then I hadn’t realized Rosh Hashanah was this week (I’ve been completely absorbed by work, car problems and mountain biking) of course I got up late the next day and although I said all the required davening, I felt so apathetic I wanted to hole up in a corner and sulk, it was strange.
Even stranger it became when I missed selichos today and instead of davening along with shema koleinu at the end of the selichos, I read Reb Yaakov. So I davened and felt apathetic, lacked any kavanah and wondered how I would get through Rosh Hashanah, but I think back to past high holidays and remember that I feel like this every year – I get into this funk and the black cloud is raised the second I sit down to the first night meal in the sukkah.
Don’t even get me started on the mine and it seems everyone else’s struggle with the concept of bechira (free choice) and everything decided on Rosh Hashanah….
Sorry for the seriousness and melancholy
wow dude you have got to take your siddur and stuff and go to the top of the highest hike around and just start telling god about all the things that you do that you are proud of and think god is also, like this blog, like how much you love his creations, like your hopes and wishes for the world and why you think its broken just talk to him, if you get stuck just say your favorite tehillim with your own understanding and translations to him or anything else that you think is beautiful in davening or bring a chumash and read some of the really nicer parts like how all god wants from you is to choose life and love him and to focus on the good
I totally sympathize (empathize? meh I confuse them all the time) with you. I have always really rejected the whole “We’re nothing. You really should just kill us, except you’re merciful.” attitude. Especially when we turn around and say “Hey G-d. By the way, any oaths we might swear in the next year. Yeah, we’ll just be kidding.”
Also, I have issues with the fact that I really mean enough to the Big Guy in the Sky that we truly cares enough to look at what I’ve done this year, and decide that next year, I’m going to get X, Y, and Z. I mean, you can’t say G-d is all-encompassing and all-powerful, and yet also think you are significant enough that he actually cares about the details of your life. It’s a big megalomaniacal.
Anyway, shana tova v’metukah. (U’k’tiva tov!… =p)
– RC
I have no struggle with the concept you mentioned in the last paragraph, because I look at it like this: HaShem decides what hand you’re dealt, but YOU decide how you’re going to play those cards. When looked at from that perspective there’s really no contradiction.
And the viduy? That’s not for Gd, Hesh. That’s for you. It’s a reminder–this is the stuff you shouldn’t be doing. And if you’re reading it like a checklist of things you do, well then, I can see where you might have some issues with that. But here’s the thing you really have to remember: Gd knows what’s in your heart. And if instead of lying to yourself and Gd on the Hi-Hos, you try doing some real tshuvah (as in–pick just one or two things and make a conscious effort to improve in those areas), you’ll feel a lot better about the whole deal.
just apologize for whatever it is you are sorry for and tell G-d “hey, I’m no hypocrite, so I’m not apologizing for XYZ”
Or apologize for not being concerned with XYZ. I’m sure there’s a genuine feeling there.
here’s a technique I used last year, and I intend to use again this year for making my viduy real, personal, mindful and sincere: There are five silent Shemone Esreys and five repetitions. During the silent ones, say your own viduy; you know exactly what you did, what you regret, what you can commit to, etc. During the repetitions, say the standard viduy along with everyone else. Each will make the other more meaningful.
Also, you’re good with words and composition. Tell God all these things; your words won’t fall on deaf ears.
And I agree in part with Shim; I have found it odd that there is no prayer in the standard book thanking God for the awesome, beautiful world he has created. You don’t have to do that from a mountaintop, but I see no reason why not to. There are two days rosh hashanah; do one in shul and the other in
From the old hymn — schmaltzy but still true:
All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all.
Each little flower that opens,
Each little bird that sings,
He made their glowing colours,
He made their tiny wings.
The purple headed mountain,
The river running by,
The sunset and the morning,
That brightens up the sky.
The rocky mountain splendour,
Tthe lone wolf’s haunting call,
The great lakes and the prairies,
The forest in the fall.
The cold wind in the winter,
The pleasant summer sun,
The ripe fruits in the garden,
He made them every one.
And He gave us eyes to see them,
And lips that we might tell,
How great is God Almighty,
Who has made all things well.
I’ve always found that one so lovely Catholic Mom! It brought a smile to my face this bright morning. :^)
I think there’s a dissonance in between where you want to think you should be and where you are. Better face up to it than bury it.
Just saying…
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High Holiday blues, yes.
Seriousness & melancholy, yes.
First meal in sukkah, yes!
“…wonder how I the ultimate sinner could approach the lord and ask for forgiveness for things I didn’t regret doing and knew I would do again the second the yuntiff was over…” – YES!
Btw, you are soooo not the ultimate sinner… just sayin’ its all relative
Why not really just feel bad about the bad stuff you do and try to not do those things. How about living an actual frum life instead of just wearing your tzitis and Yarmulke for a fashion statement or why ever you wear them. I feel damn bad about everything I do wrong everytime I do it. I dont know man, maybe this post is honest but maybe you should check your moral compass a little more often, and spritualize the mitzvos, or what ever you got to do to humanize your religion and repentance. because without that why the hell even do this religion? what is it all for if not to have cycles of cleansing being made anew again.
religion without conviction is vanity.
You know what this post really made me think of, and hopefully at least Catholic Mom will appreciate the reference, was the prayer St. Augustine made as a young man: “God, grant me chastity and continence … but not yet.”
:^)