I have no idea how it came up in discussion, but I was at an oneg recently which had a bunch of married and unmarried men around my age and this one guy mentioned that he organizes his entire life around his wife’s niddah calendar. This guy is not a newly married individual, he has been married for 5 years with kids and this fact was mighty impressive. I guess I always hear about sexless marriages in the frum community that revolve around kugel making and diaper changing, that I never thought anyone followed this practice.
I didn’t really get to ask around as if to see if this guy is one in a million, but I joked with him about how his organizational skills must have gone way up since he started paying attention to the calendar in such detail. If he doesn’t go to shul often he probably never misses yaale vayavo and he probably knows when all those random holidays like Boxer Day are.
In fact he organizes trips around when his wife is a niddah or not. In a way niddah must make men crazy about sex or for it. I guess I am just one curious dude, because I never really got to participate in this whole undercover point of Jewish life.
On the flip side of this was a conversation I overheard about wives letting their husbands looking at porn while they are a niddah and that is for another time, stay tuned….
I’ve been married for nearly 20 years and I do the same. I travel often for business and always arrange my schedule around my wife’s niddah schedule.
While we do have a healthy sex life, keep in mind that there is also, at the risk of sounding mushy, the cuddling, hugging, etc.
Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy the kugel and tolerate the diaper changing 🙂
Ah, what’s the big deal about porn. Women need to get over that particular hangup.
It’s not such a strange thing.
My husband does it.
so does mine and so do all his friends.. I have no objection to him looking at porn , he comes to bed excited and i have no complaints . There is no way after 25 years of marriage and 5 kids that I look as good as I used to, but i do my best .
If you think about it…it makes sense. Would you really want to go to the Carribian while your wife was a nidah?
rochel your husband watches pron while your a niddah?
I know it makes sense, but as a single guy I never thought about it before and especially with everyone telling me that once your married for a year or so you don’t have sex anymore I figured it wasn’t the case.
Dont worry I am going to write about porn in marriage next
No, John.
My husband organizes his life around my schedule.
Keep your wife pregrnant or nursing to avoid the situation. I don’t travel much anyway, usually just day trips to my fishing spots.
But phil not everyone is a chabdnick who wants to have 15 kids.
My husband works around my shcedule. we have been together for 9 years and our sex life did not deplete itself after the first year.
Frum Satire:
Not to mention it is extremely difficult to get pregnant while nursing. I’m divorced now, and I wasn’t in a Jewish marriage, but I can tell you that one still has sex in marriage after the first year.
I can see organizing some aspects of one’s life by this, but I don’t understand organizing one’s entire life by it. I think Phil is back in the cave man days, but that’s OK it takes all kinds of men.
Then there is the other option — go on the Pill and organize your niddah schedule around your life. Or these days there is the option not to become niddah at all, there are pills that you can take continuously. (This assumes that one has a heter for birth control — if not, then Phil’s suggestion works just fine. 🙂
I am really conflicted about about niddah. On one hand, I’m irrationally happy about following them. Like, actually following the halachot will, I expect, give me a sense of deep fulfillment.
On the other hand, I’ll be unable to touch my wife. It’s not like shomer negiah where it’s random people – this is a woman that I love.
I decided to subscribe for when the comments become ridiculous…
Shevers I have no idea if it will get that way – where is Michal and CA and Phil when you need them. And oh Mr Icehorse would be great too…
CA is busy commenting on http://basementblogging.blogspot.com….. okay okay okay and working… but mostly commenting…
What am I, chopped liver?
Michal is having a very busy time as it is just before Pesach. As for Phil’s comment, I’ve heard women say they do that, they pump themselves as a method of birth control long after the child is weaned.
You’re just expecting some controversial comments out of me. Really, I’m not the horrible person you guys think I am, I just think that people shouldn’t convert because they like sleeping with Jewish men and other stupid reasons like that.
Michal I don’t think your horrible – and TRS you are not horrible enough.
Ahh yes, the curse of the conscience…
Imagine going to hotel with one bed and your wife ending up nidda or trying to find a mikva in the middle of nowhere. Gotta plan around it.
Pills are expensive and the ones that stop periods altogether are not very healthy. Better get an IUD.
Why would this surprise anyone? I used to travel for business quite often and whenever possible would attempt to arrange to be home at the appropriate time. Anything less would be shirking my duty as a married Jewish man.
We arrange our lives in many (all?) ways due to halacha, why would it surprise anyone in this case?
I also try to arrange my overseas travel such that I am home for Shabbat, and that is often very difficult! Usually I would try to fly out on Sunday, arrive in Europe on Monday, then fly back on Thursday to arrive home Thursday night. Once in a while I would fly to Paris on Thursday night and try to catch an early Friday morning flight to NY or Atlanta (Delta’s east coast hubs), and try to get a connection that would get me home (South Florida) in time for Shabbat. But every second or third time, I would get stuck in NY or Atlanta over Shabbat. Luckily, my parents live in NY, and my in-laws live in Atlanta, so I always had a place to stay when I got stuck over Shabbat. And then I would try for a motzai shabbat flight home, or an early Sunday morning flight. When I traveled to Japan or China, all bets were off, almost no way to do it in one week (though I did do it one time). In the far east, I would fly to Hong Kong for Shabbat (3 times that I can recall). I like the shul in Hong Kong, they have a great kiddush, and lunch as well! And tons of wonderful and nice people.
Unless I missed it. I am surprised that someone didn’t put a post saying they built a mikvah in their home to help facilitate things.
Double M they should make a portable mikvah similar in vein to the pop-up sukkah
i know we’re not talking about porn now, but…
porn in marriage is destructive. it is not a “healthy outlet” for the guy when his wife is niddah. it creates unrealistic expectations of the wife and creates tension and dissatisfaction within the marriage.
after many years and many kids, i am not ashamed of all the sags and stretch marks on my body. (sorry if TMI) but if my husband will look at these 18 yr old sleek taut tanned (surgically enhanced) bodies, he will compare and he will not be happy with the body of his lovely wife that gave birth to his children. (and i am thin and muscular, just stretched out from pregnancy)
all this aside from the obvious issurim involved.
With 6 kids (and pregnancies) that each nursed for 12-18 months over 14 years of marriage, we’ve avoided the issue for much of our married life.
I’m a proud Jewish cave man, I bring home the food, my wife cooks it and has babies. Just the way God intended it.
“I’m a proud Jewish cave man, I bring home the food, my wife cooks it and has babies. Just the way God intended it.”
From the Rambam, laws of interpersonal relations, perek 21, halacha 7:
“There are six tasks some women do and some don’t: grind and bake and cook, wash, nurse children, and feed the animals.” (Ironically, I found this quote in the Yeshiva World News Coffee Room. A cursory search of Google found enough supporting information from more reliable sources to trust the veracity of the quote.)
Granted, this sentence comes after the Rambam’s list of duties in which a wife is obligated toward her husband, but these are small tasks like washing his face and pouring his drink. Nowhere is it implied that the wife must cook for her husband or care for their children. I’m aware that the Rambam is not God, and his commentary may not represent a lifestyle consistent with “the way God intended it”, but most of the frum world seems to think that it does, so I’m willing to make that leap for the purposes of this discussion. (The Rambam also discusses a husband’s duties toward his wife later on in the teshuvah.)
Re men watching porn while their wives are in niddah, that seems morally deplorable, but I’m not sure how halacha would respond. Perhaps there’s nothing technically wrong with watching porn in and of itself, but it might lead to other acts which would be prohibited, ex. hashchatat zera.
boxing day is the day after christmas. DUH!
Gila,
I never said that “she must do it”. I merely re-iterated the fact that this is her role as the “akeret habayit”.
Rambam also allows beth din to beat the wife with a stick if she doesn’t perform her duties, i.e washing his face, etc.That doesn’t mean that husbands are going to enforce this law.
Ugg… Me hungry … Me go see what woman cooked for me.
Michal, I keep on imagining you in a catfight with that Asian girl.
Yochanan, part of me agrees with you there, but you are forgetting all the Sephardim..
tzip: “porn in marriage … creates unrealistic expectations of the wife and creates tension and dissatisfaction within the marriage.”
In the same way that Spider Man creates unrealistic expectations of shooting webs and dissatisfaction when battling the forces of evil. Seems to me that if a man cant tell the difference between movies and reality, someone ought to have words with his parents.
Not sayin its good to watch porn, just that the stated argument is played out.
Ok, Heshy, you didn’t say I was horrible but some people on here have said things like they want to kick me in the face. I do know that you think I’m too far to the right. I think everyone else is too far to the left.
*RESPIRAR*
Who’s turn is it to piss off Michal? She seems bored and looking for attention. Someone, anyone?
Hey Michal, I heard there’s a sex hungry, Asian, Ger lynching in Williamsburg tonight.
I may think you have issues, Michal, but I have no desire to kick you in the face.
Michal, just wanted to voice my support. Don’t let the haters get to you.
For those of you wanting to arrange your schedule around your wife’s niddah dates-here’s an easy way to do it: http://www.MikvahCalendar.com
What Illana posted is an ad on your site, Hesh. I copied&pasted it here:
Mikvah Calendar
Rabbinically Approved! Easy to use Ashkenaz, Chabad, & Sefardic Custom
mikvahcalendar.com
I just found this post via a newer post. Regarding the husbands reading porn when their wives are niddah – that doesn’t bother me so much.
What really bothers me is that some FRUM men go to prostitutes (non-jewish, of course) when their wives are niddah & they think there’s nothing wrong with it.
”some FRUM men go to prostitutes (non-jewish, of course) when their wives are niddah & they think there’s nothing wrong with it”
They do not think there’s nothing wrong with it of course they know it’s wrong but sometimes temptation overcomes…these are human..