A Girl’s Guide to Shadchan-Speak
by Chaya Miriam Jurado
Why should guys have all the fun? The following may or may not help you with your search.
*He’s a bookkeeper = he can’t even change the windshield wipers on his car;
*Used to play football = fat;
*Learns in Kollel = unemployed;
*Is it okay with you if he has children? = …because all eight of them are going to hate you;
*Really affectionate = has already put a tracking device on your phone;
*Will not relocate from Monsey = [insert expletive here];
*Committed to shalom bayis = sex fiend;
*Graduated from YU = can’t grow a beard to save his life;
*Good with kids = 5’3”;
*Enjoys quiet nights at home = start stocking up on Coors Light;
*Comes from a good family = never gets off the phone with his mother;
*How do you feel about an age difference? = I’ve got a 19-year-old and a 57-year-old, take your pick;
*Impeccable midos = going bald;
*Likes baseball = has a TV…with HBO;
*Seeking an open-minded girl = wants you to live with him first;
*Has a youthful energy = uncontrollable acne;
*Wants to see you again = change your phone number, quick!
*Graduated from YU = can’t grow a beard to save his life
LMAO
I’m sure you get a prize or trophy if you hear all of those euphemisms in one phone call. Just imagine all those qualities in one person 🙂
Good luck out there!
LOL
One comment: “Coors Light” — LAME!!! Eww, piss water … {Presently drinking Spaten München}
What a dumb comment. wtf is Spaten Munchen? dont be an asshle
Spaten Munchen is a German beer.
Phooey, I was mocking the guy. As the Gemara says, on the wicked, overexaggerate their flaws. My point was, not only does this guy spend his evenings drinking beer instead of having quality time with his wife, but on top of that, he doesn’t even drink good beer. He drinks garbage piss-water beer instead of spending time with his wife. If you’re going to choose beer over your wife, at least make it a high quality beer. So my point was to further emphasize the wickedness of this man.
Michael Makovi, your choice in beer is excellent 🙂
prili, thank you! 😀
It’s hard to find good beer here in Israel, but I found a nice shop on Emeq Refaim (a street in Jerusalem), where they have a small but decent selection of German, Czech, Belgian, and English beers. Not enough to satisfy a person who wants a lot of variety, but at least enough to satisfy a person who wants a good, solid beer, not piss-water.
So if anyone’s interested, it’s ??? ??????? on Emeq Refaim. (I am going into this much detail because I am sure I am not the first person in Israel who has looked for something better than the Tuborgs, Carlsbergs, Maccabees, and Goldstars most everyone else carries.)
?And the prices are pretty good too. Most of the beers are 12 shekels ($3.56) for a 500 mL (16.9 fl. oz.) bottle. There are few brands that are 12 shekels for only 330 mL (11.6 fl. oz.), and a few brands that are 14 or even 22 shekels ($4.15 or $6.52), but the point is, you can get quite a few large bottles for a pretty low price. This compares very favorably when you consider that at the average Israeli convenience store, all their 330 mL Tuborgs and Goldstars and Maccabees are also about 12 shekels for 330 mL.
This Shavuot and Shabbat, I’ll be drinking…
— Spaten München
— Kozel Dark
— Kozel Premium
— Franziskaner Weissbier Naturtrüb
— Franziskaner Weissbier Kristallklar
— Franziskaner Weissbier Dunkel
And not that it matters, but interestingly, all the Hebrew labels stuck onto the bottles (the original labels are in German or Czech or whatever), seem to say that the beer is certified kosher by the Triangle-K (in the case of German beers) or the Czech Rabbinate (in the case of Czech beers), and in any case, they almost invariably have a notice of certification from the Israeli Chief Rabbinate. So you don’t even have to read the ingredients list, as if that were so hard. (Beer can be assumed kosher if it has nothing unusual in the ingredients list; it’s like tea and coffee that way. By the way, the Triangle-K is, in Israel, considered a perfectly reputable and legitimate hekhsher. All the time, I’ll see an American import with a Triangle-K, with ??????? ?????? ?????? ?????? added; the Chief Rabbinate of Israel apparently trusts the Triangle-K enough to certify American products whose factories and facilities the Israeli Rabbinate presumably did not check themselves with their own mashgihim.)
There’s also a kosher brewpub in Petah Tiqwa owned by my rabbi’s nephew that I’m supposed to visit, but I haven’t been there yet.
Thank you! 🙂
Thats awesome! I thought I would have to resign myself to Tuborg for the rest of my days :(. The bar Canaan which is on either Hillel or Shamai, I forget which, actually sells some craft beers (At least I think they are craft.) You had a crazy selection over chag, I’m quite jealous!
Either Hillel or Shammai … I’ll have to see where that is, thanks!
I’ve also seen good things about Bazelet, which I saw there on Emeq Refaim (Bazelet apparently imported a brewmaster from Germany to teach them), so I’ll have to try it. But it’s a bit more expensive than the German and Czech beers: something like 12 shekels for only 330 mL.
Also, while I was on the 13 bus from Katamon to the Central Bus Station, on this one major street, I looked out the window and saw several HUGE liquor stores, and it looked like they had a LOT of beer. So sometime, I’ll have to disembark halfway through the bus ride and find out what street that is, and see what beers are there.
Wait, you’re in NYC, aren’t you?
A LOT of beer, aye? 😛
Yes I am 🙁 But G-d willing Aliyah is on the horizon…..
*Very sensitive = will come out of the closet within 3 years
*Worldly = knows what doggie style means
*Loves kids = registered sex offender
*Close with his Rebbe = molestation victim
You watch too much L & O SVU!
More like read too much frumsatire
*Very sensitive = will come out of the closet within 3 years
*Worldly = knows what doggie style means
*Loves kids = registered s3x offender
*Close with his Rebbe = molestation victim
Some that have been used on me.
He’s a BT and doesn’t keep Shabbos perfectly because of a “job problem.”
He works on Shabbos and doesn’t keep it at all.
You have to stop being picky and settle down
take a guy over 20 years oldr than you with no job and anger problem.
He’s very very very normal, what else can I say but normal…
He’s disabled and socially off.
My then- 21 year old daughter spent a Shabbos at Manhattan’s upper West Side. A crowd of 50-something guys descended upon her and started introducing themselves, some of them had names I remembered when I was single more than 31 years ago. Yeesh!
I don’t doubt it. I tell those guys off. They will never learn if they aren’t shamed by women. Being nice won’t make them learn.
But why the women pitch in with trying to set the pigs up with the princesses, I will never understand.
Much of civilization comes down to women telling men to wipe their feet, wear clean clothes and not pee on walls. The only thing that changes is whether it’s the man’s mother or wife and whether he goes to bed without dinner or sleeps on the couch.
Nuran, LOL.
Louis B. Wright, The Cultural Life of the American Colonies, 1607-1763 (NY: Harper & Row, 1957), pp. 206f.: “If frontiersmen have neither the time nor the patience for ‘art’ as such, they – or their womenfolk – rarely leave behind all sense of artistic decoration. Captain John Smith’s rabble of men made no effort to beautify their habitations, but as soon as they had wives their homes began to improve.”
LMAO!!! How on point, Nuran!
“But why the women pitch in with trying to set the pigs up with the princesses, I will never understand.”
Jean Sasson, in Princess: A True Story of Life Behind the Veil in Saudi Arabia, tells how poor women in Cairo would bring their young daughters to men to be raped. She says she walked in one day into their Cairo apartment only to see her brother and his friend on top of a young girl, with blood everywhere. Not long after, the mother came to pick up her daughter.
Sasson also notes that usually, mothers, not fathers, are the ones who push for female circumcision. The mothers, having been circumcised themselves, see it as something you just do, as just an ordinary part of a female’s life, and so it is mothers who perpetuate it.
“I don’t doubt it. I tell those guys off. They will never learn if they aren’t shamed by women. Being nice won’t make them learn.”
I wonder if it’s because perhaps for all the times the men fail, they succeed occasionally? It only takes one score to make a dozen strikeouts worth it. This would also explain why women get disgusting messages on online dating:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_g19fCJotPc
To play devil’s advocate:
Michal, I cannot help but notice that nevertheless, people are trying to set you up with someone. I’m not sure if that’s better than my situation, viz. no one setting me up with anyone, but like I said, I’m playing devil’s advocate here.
Moish, at least people are noticing when these young women walk into shul. I don’t whether it’s because I’m a male, or because I’m in Israel, but for one reason or another, I could walk into a shul a million times over and no one would ever notice me. Is that better or worse than my getting hit on by 50 year old women? I don’t know, but again, I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.
Different
I only recently converted (hence the name) and plan to learn for a year myself, so I’m not exactly “looking” right now, but I don’t look forward to shidduch game at all. Especially judging from the problems that even FFBs have.
First line should read “different problems for the two genders, but both have problems.”
I think the 50-something guys just wanted to GAWK at her, not DATE her.
No- they wanted a” tefillin date”
Nothing new here.
From Fiddler on the Roof:
Hodel, oh Hodel, will you be a lucky bride,
He’s handsome; he’s tall…that is from side to side.
But he’s a nice man, a good man.
You’ve heard he has a temper; he’ll beat you every night.
But only when he’s sober… so you’re all right!
“Hearty appetite”- Eating disorder
“Black hat and jacket at every prayer service” -Obsessive Compulsive
“Quick-minded” -Suffers from premature ejacu…tion
“Descendant of a great rabbi in the 1800’s”-…and 7 serial killers in the interim
“Tremendous ruach” -Farts often and uncontrollably
“Puts ruach before gashmius” -Farts before s*x
“Balances ruach and gashmius” -Farts during sex
“Huge Ba’al Chesed” -Holds in farts until after s*x. Then farts.
“Wants to see you again = change your phone number, quick!”
Yeah, why go on a second date when there are so many other fish to sample? This is why we have a singles problem, people.
As a former football player I hate this rep. *Used to play football = fat;
This is untrue…while some of us are bigger than most people who share our individual heights, we all aren’t fat. And many ex-football player aren’t that big at all. This can be very frustrating.
And an awful lot of ex-jocks do run to fat when they stop, especially ones from sports which required a lot of muscle mass. Part of it is diet. If you don’t change it when you aren’t packing on as much muscle the calories will be stored as fat. A pound of muscle takes a lot more fuel.
Part of it is body type. The ectomorphs are predisposed to be beanpoles even when they aren’t active. The mesomorphic caveman types aren’t.
Active in the community: Has ADHD
Pursuing a career: Unemployed
Expert Ba’al Koreh: OCD
Real Ba’al Middos: Fat
Not Picky: Desperate
* Only dates skinny girls = no girl is good enough
* Wants a girl 15 years younger = but she must work full-time
* He has a great job = but won’t say how much he earns
* He is well-off = he expects a Yerusha in 30+ years
* He is average = he weighs close to 300 pounds
* Hemish = he is bilingual yiddish
Welcome to the 2011 Angry JAP Convention! Where nothing is good enough for daddy’s angel!
The basic problem is a huge imbalance of successful men vs. women. Many successful men leave the Orthodox world, figuring “Why not have fun for a while?” The women have been brainwashed into staying in.
These women are all expected to have 6 kids, yet they have to be top 2% in looks to find a guy who makes enough to support a family comfortably. Hell, I know women who are willing to accept ANY professional, even a low-earning one, but can’t find them because they’re a few pounds overweight. I can’t understand why they don’t just leave the Orthodox world and find a guy who can make them happy.
My Chazar Beh Tshuvah relative’s guy friends tried to talk me into “learning more” about Halacha. Do I look like an idiot? Here in the secular community, you have to deal with players and commitmentphobes, but the supply/demand imbalance is not as bad.
(And BTW, I’m not overweight, and I’m attractive. But so’s every chick on a Saturday night date at the nice Kosher restaurants around town.)
At a shoe store in Midwood a heard a mother shopping for her son ask for “balabatish-looking” sneakers. Vooooos? Voooos???? What are “balabatish looking” sneakers???
GUY who is slim handsome with three college degrees summa cum laude inc doctorate and has good profession//sweet nonsmoker looks 28 but is 38
needs slim attractive girl with college and good job/profession healthy mentally and physically and nonsmoker yes frum/kosher/shabbos but will watch movie on computer to laugh end enjoy…..contact ashrei108@aol.com