When I started blogging everyone I know had one tip, watch what you say. Like most bloggers I didn’t want to watch what I said and I wrote some pretty dumb stuff and a few times it did come and bite me in my ass, it was all well worth it though. Taught me a few lessons and gave me some great stories.
Most bloggers are anonymous, they choose to be anonymous so they can tell all the loshon harah they want or expose some awful thing going on in their community or lots of other good stuff that they wouldn’t do as their real selves. Unfortunately or not I chose to be non-anonymous to the point where if someone reading my blog wanted to they could easily find out who I am. First of all the hardcore Jewish outdoors crowd aint that big and I live in a small community anyways.
Bring in the modern day shidduch research. Every single girl I go out with gets googled, then she gets searched through on myspace and facebook. Then I judge her based on amount of friends, type of friends and lack of clothing or other features you can tell from facebook and myspace profiles. Then if you really want to be a bastard you can judge them on how cheesy their comments on only simchas are. “OMG I am sooooooooooooo happy for you this is sooooooooooo kkkkewlllllll” This of course garners my judgement as do other things like “ B’H may you build a bayios neeman b’yisroel together” and so on. I assume rightly so that most of them do the same, and due to that pesky NJ Jewish news article I am very googleable. It used to be my name was under the Volvo high mileage club but now in plain sight lies my profession, name, age and location. They can find me on facebook as well and if they look hard enough there are some biking videos lying around here and there.
Assuming that folks will google me, I debate constantly whether to tell my potential dates about my blog. I am sure many folks hide their blogs from their partners and I wonder if I should do the same. Will they judge me based on my blog, they definitely are right in doing so- granted they should read both my blogs to get a real picture- being that one is ideas I expound on in a comic way and one is devoted to me real life in and my adventures. So I debate and usually I forego telling them and just try and see if they actually know what a blog is, because up until last year I would have had no idea. I find that the girls who are in white collar positions like accountants, lawyers and marketers are much more likely to read blogs then teachers and the nice frummy girl jobs like speech pathology, OT, PT, social workers and so on. So I tread carefully and try and figure out their blogging habits. Then of course I can see if they appreciate my humor, that will tell all when it comes to them either laughing or steaming red when they do discover that the guy they are dating is a serial blogger.
My first blogging dating collision came a few months ago when I went out on a very fun date with an awesome girl from Monsey. I unfortunately blurted out that I had a blog and wrote some incendiary things about her that she ultimately read and sent in an email to the shadchun. I wrote basically that her mom was hot and she was, and that the girl wasn’t. It wasn’t so incendiary sounding to me, I intended the post to be telling of how I would still be willing unlike most guys to gladly try a second date despite my complete unattraction due to the fact she was a very cool girl. This point was missed by the shadchun and the girl and understandably the girl was offended. We also went Dutch and apparently that is a no-no in the dating world, chivalry is still in vogue. I am sure many of the guys can relate to the situation mentioned above, you have no idea what the girl looks like- you see her mom- hope skyrockets- only to come crashing down into the “give me a shot before we go out type horror.”
So that of course exposed my weakness in the shidduch world but it also kind of gave me an edge. Instead of having to go out to girls, maybe they would come to me and the blog could be sued to my advantage. I always though blogging would be the best way to meet girls. I happened to have dated a wonderful girl 4 times, actually one of my only dating partners to garner a second date willingly. Hopefully the prospects will come pouring in sooner or later. I even went as far as to put a link to frumster profile and use the traffic to my advantage. I think the blogging world and the shidduch world have yet to collide and break down the status quo but hopefully that will change.
Recently I had the whole ordeal of actually liking someone and that person liking me only to be horribly dumped on the night before our date. I then proceeded to do something drastic and erase a bunch of pathetic posts about sexual topics that spanned a week of bad writing and write the famous apology post that garnered over 70 comments mostly bashing me for becoming whipped and selling out. Its funny because I am troubled as to whether I agree somewhat.
Selling out is a harsh term to use, but maybe went against my morals would be better. After all I am a guy and guys do think about sex pretty frequently. But then again I am not anonymous so maybe I should keep up the image of a frum blog? But then again what the hell does frum mean anymore anyways? Shouldn’t a potential marriage partner like all aspects of me- what many people said? Well then again first impressions do count and most girls first impressions do not want to be of a guy writing about how masturbation is mechalal shabbos (that post will be put back up one of these days- because it was good).
Then of course if you really want to lure a women in you can tailor the posts around your going out time to her interests and try and suck them in knowing that only a handful of people actually go past the first page of any blog unless someone sends them a link. This could be compared to opening a bunch of seforim just to show others how smart and knowledgeable you are even though you cant even read rashi lettering.
This was all in my head during last week’s dates. I went out on two of them. Both good looking, both good on paper and both the first date in a few months. So naturally I didn’t want to mess up my chances with blog related rejections. The girl who didn’t even have the net didn’t want a second date and the second one rarely reads blogs. I told one of the girls about the blog and who knows if she read it, her voice on my answering machine did not sound like she read it. But then again she is way chilled and probably wouldn’t care. I also can judge based on peoples first date language and attitudes. The girl without the net forced me to dress up, my first time on a date by the way. I wish dates were shorts and t-shirts, I hate dressing up- precisely the reason I try and do biking or hiking dates.
in your particular case i would indeed advise you to tell young women before the first date about your shallow, egotistical, sexist, psuedo intellectual blog and thus save them the ordeal of having to discover your cheap nature when you “go dutch” with them!
This blog is in no way an intellectual blog- if it was I would have to actually learn how to spell and use grammar.
So tell me what is shallow, egotistical and sexist about it? And whats wrong with going Dutch- unless you are just a gold digger?
Calm down Esti Leah. You sound like one of the girls who dumped him based on the blog…
you have presented a great argument for having an anonymous blog. I totally respect your decision to leak your identity, but you must agree that life could have been a little simpler by playing incognito, no?
Blogging is a great antidote for the problem that within our wonderful frum communities everyone is (like family) looking over your shoulder, breathing down your neck, and making sure that you are conforming.
For the people who don’t like to fit squarely within the mold, or who experiment with a new mold every couple of weeks, blogs = freedom to express those things that are outside the image you are projecting in your real life.
For me personally, my wife knows about my blog, so it’s not like I’m going to be saying anything wildly inappropriate (i.e. trying to pick up random chicks). OTOH, since no one else knows my identity, I am free to say what I’m thinking without first getting the post checked by the bada”tz
btw, nice post,
D.A.
way too many questions and issues to address…
ok.. so.. shallow because you judge and characterize everyone based on silly superficial criterias; sexist because you constantly objectify women and speak disrespectfully of them and egotistical.. cuz you have a blog 🙂
but thats you.. so what.. someone will find it endearing!
now.. i dont think being anonymous gives a person the right to act in a way or say things they wouldnt say if they werent anonymous, i think you should be real whether youre anonymoys or not.. but.. being real doesnt mean letting it all hang out. some things are personal, some things are inapropriate, some things are wrong, some things are nasty, some things are just not torah-ish.. if you dont care about these things.. then fine. but if you dotn want someone to judge you as sexist, shallow, not frum.. then you cant act that way.. or else you will be judged.
another thing..going dutch is just tacky. its not about being a golddigger its about human nature, and societal upbringing, and gender differences and preferences and yes it is a turn on for many women to be treated special, to be taken care of, to feel appreciated, and yes, paying for her soda can kinda make her feel that way.. is it silly? sure! but so what.. thats what relationships are about. making the other person happy even if it seems silly to you (and vice versa)
finally i think you took down those posts a couple of weeks ago because you felt they were not representative of who you are. not that you didnt actually think those things (im sure you did) but that youre not the kind of person who thinks its fine to flaunt his crudeness. the fact you deleted them doesnt make you whipped, on the contrary it makes you a g-d loving jew who works on himself. it would be weak to give in to the boys club peer pressure.
hmm im sure theres like 100 other things you said that i could comment on but then id have to reread your post 🙂
so.. for now.. these are my two cents
oh one more thing. i think youre incredibly brave to be so open about your dating and your personal life and im sure there are lots of girls who are really into that, so theres no need to try and be someone else.. but just like yuu dont think anonymous bloggers should hde behind their blog persona, you also shouldnt lose yourself in your blog persona if it doesnt represetn who you really are – be true to yourself and remember that the impression you give is just as much a part of yourself as what goes on behind the scenes
ok now im done!
Nice comments, D.a. and mookie.
I have this post up ” What is Frum?” ,the idea for the post came up in convo with hesh.
http://jacobdajew.blogspot.com/2007/05/what-is-frum.html
I don’t think you should bring up your blog at all on your first date or even second. Not everyone goes and googles their dates, I never did that .
So which do u prefer??
OMG I am sooooooooooooo happy for you this is sooooooooooo kkkkewlllllll” This of course garners my judgement as do other things like “ B’H may you build a bayios neeman b’yisroel together”
The second one DUH….
Firstly, Esther Leah-chill and rule number one of blogs…if you dont like it dont read it…no one is forcing you.
Hesh….I cannot believe u called that girls mom hot and said she was not….but thats another story all together.
Bottom line is that the blogs seem to be a big part of your life and doesnt look like something your going to stop doing. As a girl I say honesty is key, so be open about it. But Im not sure its necessary to disclose on like the first date. Let her get to know you a bit first…just dont write anything about her! Also you write what you feel and since shidduch dating is tachlis you want someone who wants YOU and all of you not some censored version of you.
🙂
ttyl jenn
First of all, to make a whole investigation about someone before you even meet them is wrong. I mean what are you really trying to find out about your shidduch? Some pornographic photos of him/her on the net? lol. First meet the person and then you can judge him.
Then this thing about meeting a person and asking them to if they are interested in changing their hashkafa is so wrong. I have been asked in so many shidduchim if I want to be XYZ Chossid, and that’s not happening.
Hesh you are being very honest about many things and some people can’t deal with that. If these girls are so machmir they should go date UO guy and not a MO guy. If you are meeting up with a MO guy you can’t nag and bitch about why he is not like a UO guy. It’s wrong. Girls who do this are confused about what they want. If you want a UO guy, go on a shidduch UO guy and don’t try to nag the MO guy to death bitching about why he isn’t SO frum. Same goes for guys who are confused about what kind of shidduch they want.
Expecting a guy to pay for your drinks and meal during the first date is SO wrong. He is not obligated to pay cause you guys are not going steady. If he pays it’s a nice gesture but he is not obligated to. I ALWAYS and ALWAYS pay for my own drinks and meals, unless the person tells me that he is inviting me to a drink or a meal. It does come across as a golddigger if you are expecting a guy whom you met for the first time to pay for your drinks. You can afford to pay your own soda? It’s only a couple of bucks so don’t act like so trifling as a woman.
So basically what I am saying is if these girls can’t deal with who you are, they can hit the highway. After all the person has to like you for what you are and not what you should be according to her standards.
UO=Ultra Orthodox/Haredi
MO=Modern Orthodox
Sometimes blogs make great conversations, although i try and not be specific on what I call my blog. If someone reads blogs it says a bit about the person, that they a bit computer savvy and not ‘i use a computer once in a while for onlysimchas’.
publicly saying that a girl is ugly will embarass her and make her feel like crap regardless of whatever other comlinet you send her way.
Jenn: Its not that blogging is such a big part of my life, it more of the expression and it is very hard for me to hide things from people. Every date I go on I say I am going to be normal and make a good impression and you know what? It never works- almost everyone sees the “real” me right away- some more then others depending on how alike they are to me. Put me with a bunch of tree hugging eccentrics and I get along way better then some mall loving Jewish girls. But in the end I cannot stand anonymity- just not in my nature, lying is also very hard for me to do- so if someone would ask me something about me I always own up and it gets me into “trouble” frequently, as well as my bluntness.
Rebel: The deal with the Dutch date is this. We were near Monsey and I wanted to spend more time with the girl and I asked if she was hungry. I was starving so we both agreed to forego the traditional pizza for a longer better meal.
We went to KYO steak house which is expensive and we both knew this- and she said it would be fine to go dutch. I felt that a $100 meal on a first date is kind of weird, but did the whole thing just to spend more time with her.
Ari: I never said she was ugly, I said I was not attracted to her. Same thing you may say- but if someone tells me they are not attracted to me – I don’t go on a hissy fit, the facts of life are that 90% of folks are not universally hot and I am one of them as well as almost every single person I have gone out with or expect to go out with. Universally attractive folks are quite rare- especially within the frum Jewish Crowd. Click the humble Jewish opinions blog to see what I am talking about.
That’s not true- alot of Israeli girls are really beautiful… even within the frum crowd.
Hesh! what is this-“Every date I go on I say I am going to be normal and make a good impression and you know what? It never works- almost everyone sees the “real” me right away”…why are you saying the “real” you is not a good impression and normal? you shouldnt say or think that abt youself…u seem really normal (albeit not typical) to me!
I wasnt saying you should lie but more that i grew up with and went to school (and to some extent I am) with the type of girls who you seem to go out with and many are just not so open to these things more out of ignorance than anything else so thats why i said maybe hold off for like second date but maybe not. Shidduch dating is really hard because of this everyone tries to be what they think the other person wants and not wat they really are.
Im starting to contradict myself so im off for now…
also…we are girls…saying ur not attracted to us (esp while saying mom is hot) will make us feel really bad
“The facts of life are that 90% of folks are not universally hot and I am one of them as well as almost every single person I have gone out with or expect to go out with. Universally attractive folks are quite rare- especially within the frum Jewish Crowd.”
Where I live all the Frum Jewish girls are beautiful! I was expecting ugly girls, since I had experienced the ugliness that is Frum Jewish men, but boy was I wrong! I felt like the fat-ugly-misfit among these girls.
Maybe you need to experience other Frum communities, outside the neurotic-up-tight East Coast frum communities. How about Montana where Frummies are forced to be outdoorsy?
I don’t think there’s any reason to bring up your blog on a first (or even 4th) date. I rarely mention mine. It’s nice to have a semi-private place to put your thoughts and get feedback. There’s plenty of time to tell them later if the relationship becomes serious.
Going dutch– personally, I think it’s annoying but then you and I are in slightly different places in life. I don’t mind picking up the check and don’t like the hassle of dividing up the bill. If he wants to pay, fine. If not, I’ll get the whole thing.
And I agree with the other female comments. No one ever wants to hear that a man we went out on a date with is not attracted to us… and, worse, thought that Mom was prettier!
Whats wrong wit,
OMG I am sooooooooooooo happy for you this is sooooooooooo kkkkewlllllll”
When you claim you dont ‘go on a hissy fit’ if a girl finds you unattractive, you should know that its really not saying much as there’s obviously a major difference between guys and girls being unattractive…
girls put on makeup- guys don’t.
Enough said.
I don’t agree with the other female comments. Some girls go around like slobs and hope to be seen as “pretty” and “attractive”. Maybe this was a reality check for her.
She obviously also had self confidence issues, since she took all of this SO seriously. If a guy would find me unattractive, which has never been the case, I would be like whatever. I am not going to sit shiva or go on a rampage if he does not find me attractive. Everyone has different tastes, some men like brunettes, some like blondes, some like petite women etc.
I don’t read the comments on OnlySimchas, I only look through the pictures if there are any. Most of the comments are so artificial and generic like OMG I am sooooooooooooo happy for you this is sooooooooooo kkkkewlllllll. That’s such a JAP comment. I mean why not just post a simple Mazal tov instead of writing such insincere wishes? I find such comments very phony.
Maybe she doesnt mind that he finds her unattractive… maybe its just the fact that he posted it online where she can clearly see (along with the rest of the world) just how much he doesnt find her attractive (he finds her mom better looking!)
I may be wrong, but I think you wouldn’t like it very much if a guy you dated wrote exactly what he thought of you in some blog he has online.
Trust me, you’re better off living in oblivion… just like she might have wished to.
>and write the famous apology post that garnered over 70 comments mostly bashing me for becoming whipped and selling out.
Was that the only thing you were bashed for?
>publicly saying that a girl is ugly will embarass her and make her feel like crap regardless of whatever other comlinet you send her way.
Its standard behaviour for a guy who loves to pig out at a kiddush and ogle the hoes in tight pants.
Wow look at all the feedback. I think many of you folks missed the point. If I dont tell these ladies about my blog and they may or may not google me- most of the girls I have dated googled me by the way. So inadvertently the girl will find it, its just a matter of time or interest for that matter.
To respond to Nurits comment about universally attractive girls. I am not saying there aren’t great looking frum Jewish girls. I said universally attractive ones are hard to come by. And By the way I have spent shabbos in every US state- so I have been to many communities. There are no frummies in Montana besides the brand new Chabad in Bozeman. I have spent many weeks backpacking around the state and have spent shabbos there many a time- I wish there was a larger community so I could stop screwing around in Albany and move west.
In response to normalcy Jenn. Normalcy on the east coast is enjoying TV, going out to bars and living a relatively sane and normal life. My life in anything but that, I practically live for the wilderness, and my hobbies and interests are vast and eccentric especially for a 25 year old orthodox guy. When I bring up that instead of going out on saturday nights I would rather go on a 30 mile ride or I enjoy solo road trips- most women tend to regard me as out of the ordinary.
I meant by toning it down on the first date- as in maybe showing them a more “normal” side of me – which tends to fit in with 50 year olds but not folks my own age.
SARA:
“alot of Israeli girls are really beautiful… even within the frum crowd”
like hava mond? see http://agmk.blogspot.com/2007/04/religious-models.html
“Ari: I never said she was ugly, I said I was not attracted to her. Same thing you may say . . .”
not to me or you, but to most girls (and this has nothing to do with whether they are frum, jewish or a shiksa)
and even though you felt you could go for her because she was cool despite the lack of attraction, why would you even say this? simpling telling her she is cool would have been accepted as a nice compliment even without
“enhancing it” with the “even though . . .” corollary. we are not even talking here about a situation where most guys would lie to a girl (e.g., “do i look fat in this dress?”). this was just a matter of keeping quiet.
i don’t want to sound arrogant or obnoxious (or whatever i was called in a comment on an earlier post), however . . . you claim you are confident with your unattractive looks, but you will have to wait a very long time to find a girl that won’t flinch at being called unattractive (especially when compared to her mom).
regarding the rest of the post: if blogging is part of who you are, of course you should disclose this fact.
“Universally attractive folks are quite rare- especially within the frum Jewish Crowd.”
this is what we say, but i am wondering if this is really true on a per capita basis?
also, is this a matter of preferring what you can’t have? from the other direction, i’ve heard non-religious and non-jewish guys say they love orthodox girls. for example, there is a black guy in my class who keeps asking me what his chances are with the religious girls in our class.
>>>Maybe she doesnt mind that he finds her unattractive… maybe its just the fact that he posted it online where she can clearly see (along with the rest of the world) just how much he doesnt find her attractive (he finds her mom better looking!)I may be wrong, but I think you wouldn’t like it very much if a guy you dated wrote exactly what he thought of you in some blog he has online.
Well he did not post her name online. It was posted as an anonymous story.
On top of that people everywhere talk about each other, in a good way or a bad way. When someone talks about you in a way that you find unpleasant, if you take this sort of talk seriously, you simply make your life a living hell. I am older than you so I am at a point in my life where I don’t care too much about what others say or write about me. I know who I am so their comments don’t disturb me very much.
>I am older than you so I am at a point in my life where I don?t care too much about what others say or write about me. I know who I am so their comments don?t disturb me very much.
Uh, err, you sure about that?
So Ed how is your wife and your son doing?
The problem with doing all that research is that *nobody* is perfect. Everyone has secrets and things about themselves that they would not reveal on a first date. If you circumvent the normal process and try to find out everything there is to know about a person too early, it is virtually certain that you will find something you don’t like. If this happens before you find the feature that you fall in love with (like, for example, he/she has a cute laugh) then you will never find a person that you will be happy with. Forget the research. Don’t go looking for things that might be wrong, because you will always find something.
>So Ed how is your wife and your son doing?
Wonderful.
>>>”I am older than you so I am at a point in my life where I don’t care TOO MUCH about what others say or write about me. I know who I am so their comments don’t disturb me VERY MUCH.”
Obviously, it does upset you to some extent- just like it upset her.
That’s all.
No it doesn’t. What’s your point? All women have to walk, talk and think the same way?
According to many groups women do act and think the same way, unfortunately this system prevails in America where the Glass Ceiling is still prevalent and women have to fight for their rights from a bunch of white haired country club WASPS.
Most guys think that all women think the same way. Men basically think that women want to be wined and dined, which to me is basically another form of prostitution in a higher class sense.
I always hear from girls that if the guy takes them out to nice place, they are more likely to get with them- indeed that is prostitution.
DAN: Please tell what you told me to the crazy shadchuns and shidduch back round checks. I purely do research for fun and would never cancel a date or judge someone purely based on internet research. Who knows how many countless shidduchim are ruined each day when the researchers find out that the girl may stack instead of scrape or does not use the right color table cloths.
Nope.
My point is that we all have feelings.
I know you would’ve gotten hurt if this has happened to you.
Although my blog is not nearly as interesting or updated as yours; I still will share it with anyone I date. Hell, if they want to get to know me, they should read it. If they think it’s strange, I’m fine with that.
Share it with ure dates, if they get turned off by it, feck it.
p.s. When one writes “I”m so happy for you two” on Onlysimchas, they usually mean “I wasted time dating you””.
Not from personal experience though.
Sarah you are probably right, and Chaya- nice comment.
Most guys think that all women think the same way. Men basically think that women want to be wined and dined, which to me is basically another form of prostitution in a higher class sense. I always hear from girls that if the guy takes them out to nice place, they are more likely to get with them- indeed that is prostitution.
LOL! Yes!!! This is exactly how I think.
@Sarah, if I knew the guy for a long time and we dated him for a long time, maybe I might be annoyed by his comment, but if it’s a mere stranger I meet like once? I really wouldn’t care.
Hmm…. just a tad bit annoyed by his comment that he thinks your mother is better-looking than you?
I think not.
But I digress… to each, his own.
Interesting how you follow a paragraph where you seem to be arguing against the prevalence of the notion that “all women think the same”, with a statement that anecdotally confirms the stereotpye and uses the words ; “I *always*hear from girls…”
As I have stated many times this blog has no degree of intellectualism involved and therefore I may contradict myself several hundred times over any given amount of time. Basically I am not as smart as you nor do I have time to check my posts to make sure I don’t pull a George Bush on you.
Sure. No problem, just pointing it out.
>>>I always hear from girls that if the guy takes them out to nice place, they are more likely to get with them- indeed that is prostitution.
Totally agree, women like to blame men for the stereotypes but women should blame themselves for the stereotypes. I mean if the majority of women acted more independently and not like golddiggers, then the stereotype of a golddigger wouldn’t be so mainstream would it?
rebelwithacause,
I’m not sure it’s so much about women being golddiggers, but rather about the inherent discomfort in upsetting status quo dating practices that originally derived from stereotyped gender roles. I know that when I started questioning the practice and decided to pay for my own meals it was awkward at first, as is normal whenever you one defies a social convention. It took a whilw but at this point I am completely comfortable stating that I am a feminist and my reasoning behind doing so. I could never date someone who is not pro-feminist in any case.
I hear you about the onus also being on the woman here, and I hope more women *do* think about the message they give by expecting the man to pay. Paying for ourselves is consistent with our fight for equality.
Anonymous I fully agree, I hate dating protocol it ruins the excitement. The fact that the date “must” be 3 hours long or I must pay for it- especially when 90% of the girls I go out with are older and have higher paying jobs then I do.
The protocol ruins shidduchim for many fine folks because they feel if the “rules” were not followed there is something wrong with the guy and then you enter the ridiculous back round check questions and all the sudden you have the Shidduch Crisis where Jewish organizations have broken the status quo and now pay you to marry off Baltimore girls.
love and kisses to your blog…!!!!
Love and Kisses eh, I hope your some hot secret admirer of mine.
i’l say this at the risk of being stoned;
the world was not created with men and women as equals that is y the status quo is as such. that’s not to say that women are second class citizens, they just have a different job in the world, no point wasting personpower (lets b PC here) on everyone being able able to do everything… leave some stuff to the men. although it is a lil awkward to have so many rules with shiduchim, wen u have some bad experiences as the result of not following them, you see that really they aren’t all that bad.
also, you cant judge ppl by their online perosna. you said that some ppl hide behind their blog, so also ppl make up a persona for the web just bc they can and also its an opportunity to be someone different, someone who is cooler, can admit to interests that are ‘outside of the box’, can PMS without worrying about pissing off everyone around her. so ya, u cant judge someone based on their web persona, so dont.
Jana very well said and you are correct although I think some of what I blog about is inherent in my personality. It is not all me, but for years I have been talking about many of these concepts and making people laugh their asses off- then I discovered I had a knack for writing them down.
Heshy dear you come across as quite naive. Being honest doesn’t mean blurting out every last (or first) thought that comes into your head.
I have found the vast majority of men I have dated to be very unattractive, but I would never dream of saying so directly. Why hurt someone’s feelings for nothing. And then to top it off to say that you prefer her mother, and you do not understand what the problem is? You need a good talking to from someone you respect to explain a few basic good manners and common sense. Just like in medicine the first rule of dating should be “do no harm”. Seems like you’ve done plenty.