You know you’re a BT if…
You say Baruch Hashem similar to the way people use the term ‘LOL’.
During viduy, you “clop” your chest hard enough to restart your heart.
When you bow for modiim it looks as if you are trying for a world record stretch.
You think that flushing the toilet on shabbos must be assur.
When the host doesn’t bring out mayim achronim, you inquire where it’s stored, get it yourself, and pass it around.
You wore a black hat before you kept shabbos.
You reprimand other girls for their lack of tznius.
You burned all of your non-tznius clothing.
You hate being labeled, so you call yourself chozer teshuva instead
You consider yourself black hat but vote Democrat.
When you shake people’s hands, you give a firm handshake and look them in the eye.
You take out a small loan when you buy your arba minim.
You actually take three steps back at the end of shemone esrei at which point your bows look like stage bows after a performance of Les Miserables.
You don’t admit that you grew up non-religious.
You have a mini kitchen in your room at your parent’s house
You talk constantly about the lack of a good education in the frum community.
When you try and say the word s’chach, it sounds like you are using profanity.
You wear a black velvet yarmulke with clips or bobby pins.
You cover up the TV in your living room with a sheet on shabbos.
You daven with a “Tehilas Hashem” even though you aren’t chabad
You eat fruits and vegetables during the week.
You have whole wheat challah and insist on cutting it even when it’s a “pullaway” challah.
Your 2nd grader reads Hebrew better than you do.
You really believe that you can eat double the amount on shabbos but won’t gain weight.
You use words like “empirical” and “existential” when talking torah.
You say tehilim during the chupa.
You don’t talk in shul.
You are polite at Kiddush, even in New York.
You put your napkin on your lap right when you sit down.
You send around mass text messages every week wishing everyone a “Gut shabbos”.
You send “thank you” cards to people you stay with or in whose house you attend a meal (sidebar: if you want the in with people and for them to think highly of you I would highly recommend this).
You are really careful about nearly burning your hands off during the aish part of havdalah.
You thought that guitars and dancing to Carlelbach songs was part of the havdalah tradition.
You married your NCSY advisor.
You converted your really long hair into really long peyos.
You have an Israeli accent when you daven.
You are very active on ImaMother and send me emails whenever you see something crazy.
You used to be a vegan but couldn’t get a heter from the vegan folk for tefillin.
You have clapped after a speech in shul.
You have said tefilas haderech before taking drugs.
You wear techeles tzitzis and/or have ridiculously long strings.
Really thought at one time or another that the OR symbol on products meant “Orthodox Rabbis”.
Refuse to eat things that remind you of your treife days.
Throw your bread into the water at tashlich.
You have said asher yatzar after sneezing or vomiting.
As a man, you would never daven in the women’s section (when it’s empty).
You have some crazy midlife bris milah story.
You don’t take a shower during the nine days.
All of your divrei torah come from “Rabbi Frand on the Parsha” or similar type book.
You have a PhD but are a stay at home mom.
You don’t just kiss the torah, you make out with it.
You go into a panic attack if the bracha sheet is not there when you are called up for an aliyah.
You have a picture of the Lubavitcher Rebbe and Rav Shach on the same wall.
I know there are loads more…
You know you’re a BT if … you’re frummer than thou.
Ummm….SO many of these are far too widespread to apply to just BTs.
You shun your past and overcompensate by questioning everyone else who has any outside influences…
pleeeeeease post more! this is the first FS post i ever laughed at! these are knock-dead funn ay
Some of these are not uncommon among FFBs. The first one for example although it is certainly more common among BTs. I think that I’ve met more FFBs who criticize other peoples level of tznius than BTs.
Incidentally, it isn’t completely clear to me why flushing a toilet shouldn’t be assur. Or for that matter any use of a device that increases water consumption on Shabbat since one is actively paying for it. Maybe if one has an apartment that has utilities included it is ok. Hmm, maybe I should see if I can get anyone to keep this chumra. Should be fun.
I dont think the problem with water is that you are paying for it. You pay for food, but you are allowed to eat it on Shabbos.
Right, but when you use the water system, more water goes into your house so your bill goes up. This is distinct from the food situation where the food has been paid for before Shabbat. I don’t think this is actually a problem since no money changes hands on Shabbat but the argument can be made.
The prohibition of buying on Shabbos is a gezeira to prevent you or the merchant from writing down the transaction. With water consumption, this clearly does not apply and there should be no gezeira.
There are many other potential problems with flushing on Shabbos.
1) Hotza’ah MiReshush – you are sending out your ‘garbage’ out of your possession and out of your house. This problem was dealt with by Rav Akiva Eiger and he paskened that it is OK.
2) Many toilets receive their water to the tank via a pump (e.g. if your water supply comes from a well). I have heard that this is not assur because it is grama, but I am not convinced that it is so simple.
3) Many toilets use a pump to send the waste into the sewer pipes (e.g. if you have a toilet in the basement and the pipes are below the level of your sewer pipe). This is likely assur on Shabbos. However, there are many clever contraptions that smart people have come up with to avoid this problem (one example is a flusher on a timer – so every x minutes -Flush!)
moron
haha i just had a shabbos meal with your token BT, he must have read these over b4 he came
Well, I pay a flat rate for water…
You wear a yechi yarmulka without knowing why.
You hoplessly look for yechi in the siddur at the start and end of davening.
You think that dancing around the bimah singing yechi will bring moshiach closer.
Will having some of the Rebbe’s mikvah water bring him closer?
I would opt for the Rebbe’s mashka first.
Newlywed BT came home from work after Pesach and asked his wife what’s for dinner – she responded “last night we had chicken”
Heard it a bunch of times and it always brings a smile to my face
Whats Pshat on that chicken joke?
Sefiras Ha’Omer. If someone asks you what day it is, and you answer them straight, it’s as if you counted Omer without a bracha. In order to circumvent that, people will commonly substitute “tomorrow night is…” o r “last night was…”
So apparently, in frum homes, one night of the week (say “Tuesday night”) is chicken night. In order so that the wife isn’t accidentally counting omer without a bracha, she just tells him what she served for dinner last night so he could figure it out.
When I first started counting Sfira, I thought people were insulting my intelligence with this.
“Last night was 4. Guess what comes after 4…”
hmm only about seven of these applied to me..but i actually found this funny for once. maybe working on my humility has finally paid off??(sarcasm. i wish though) or i stopped taking myself so seriously(possible) or maybe this is just funnier than the other bt posts?(probable)
Funny is all in the eye of the beholder my friend – one man’s comedy is another man’s drama
true…and btw when i said i actually found this funny for once i meant of the making fun of bt’s posts. i usually enjoy your other posts, though!
when you announced you were going to do this jeff foxworthy stuff, i was a bit concerned. tonight i fell down laughing. these are hilarious. especially the ones that apply to me.
Some were funny. Most not as much..
But I just don’t think it’s fair to make fun of BT’s. They have a hard enough time as it is, let alone to then have people mock them.
It’s all in good fun. BT’s are probably the ones laughing the hardest.
we count dinners like that in our house
They apply to converts, even in more liberal streams. Plus there’s the problem of having fellow Jews from your shul going “Why are you not eating the shrimp? It’s good!”
please dont diss baali tshuvot. after years of endless confusion, frustration and agmat nefesh i found direction on the right path, the path of the just and im a bt just like you hesh. thank you all for listening to me. May Gd bless your souls like He did mine to open my eyes to such a beutiful light.
You do know Hesh is an FFB right?
Didn’t Hesh once go OTD? So that automatically makes him a BT? You see?
yeah sergey i know hesh like i know shas. i wouldnt mess up.
im also a bt, rose garden
i wish i were a bt.
so like rose garden, i think i sometimes bump into you on the Jpath. Its flippen sweet i dont even wear shoes sometimes i just kick off my sandals and throw em over my shoulders and strut towards the light. Life is great. Gd is greatest.
I spent 2 yrs at ohr samayach, i’d have to say most are pretty accurate! and I dont see it as making fun of them (i’m a FFB)rather as trying to ease their transition to religiousness with humor!
G-ds da Bomb
Knew that since i was in the womb
Religeons Sweet
Sweet like a babys feet
Hashem Yisbo knows whats good
so baby eat dat kosh food
Lets hear it for all dem Jew Boyz
Down with all them Jew Goys!
God and Womb don’t rhyme unless you are a rapper or country singer
wow the next matisyahu…baruch Hashem the jewish reggae world finally has come variety
Ya, I got a life, Im too cool to be posting here….
Sweet! Hesh we havent chilled in a while. Catchya later. Gonna run out in my GreenMobile to stalk the hot scratary next door then then to seven eleven to buy smore cigs. catch ya later Hesh man-bro
ANYONE OUT THERE KNOW OF SOMEONE WHO CAN BABYSIT MY KIDS TOMOROW?
IM ALSO LOOKING FOR A RIDE FOR THREE OF MY KIDS TO GO TO LAKEWOOD THIS SHABBOS.
WE ONCE HOSTED A BAAL TSHUVA, IT WAS SUCH A CHAVAYA FOR MY CHILDREN.
If you want a good list of these kinds of things, you should check out this book: Minyan Intolerance http://goo.gl/VMr2. It basically covers every issue that happens in shul. Absolutely hilarious.
S’chach – profanity? LOL!
Cinnoman…I’m some anonymous blogger. But, sure, I’ll take your kids to Lakewood. Will you trust me?
“You go into a panic attack if the bracha sheet is not there when you are called up for an aliyah.”
Would you believe that actually came up in a dream I had recently?
I’m an FFB and I have a panic attack if the bracha sheet is missing.
That means you don’t go to chabad often enough – they are the only ones that call me up.
Very funny stuff.
These two in particular cracked me up:
“You have said tefilas haderech before taking drugs.
You have said asher yatzar after sneezing or vomiting. “
You cringe when you drive by a public school, thinking that sooner or later it will be exposed that you *gasp* attended one.
I eat fruits and vegetables during the week. It helps me to eat double the amount on shabbos but not gain weight 😉
If know I’m a BT:
I said Tefillat Haderech upon crossing the Hudson River (that’s the western border of NYC)
I demanded an aliyah, so I can bentch haGomel for flying on a plane (a 1 hour flight from JFK to DC)
I went to my uncle’s birthday at a treif restaurant out of respect. But I stuffed myself full at a nearby kosher place beforehand, so I don’t look like a starving refugee, while my folks feast on pork. I removed my kippa due to maaras ayin, and uncle asks, “Why are you removing it now?”
Nice!!!
You know you’re a BT when you post on beyondbt.com about how you’re the only normal BT there is, and everyone else is either too right wing or too MO.
Charnie, I never understood why they call that site BeyondBT, when clearly everyone there is not beyond it at all!!!
Don’t ask me, I’m not one of BBT’s creators.
“You think that dancing around the bimah singing yechi will bring moshiach closer.”
LOL. Why would anyone think dancing around a bima would bring moshiach closer???
I have been so belwiedred in the past but now it all makes sense!
A4CakH sihgaefevjun