Tag: holidays

Classic joke · No. 4386

The Breslover’s aliyah

A Breslover chassid was bragging about his Rebbe to a Litvak. "On every single Shabbos we give the Rebbe an aliyah, and even though…

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Classic joke · No. 4392

Three rabbis compare notes

The three rabbis in town, from the Orthodox, Conservative, and Reform shuls, met after Shabbes across America to discuss the results. The Reform Rabbi…

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Classic joke · No. 4408

A divine right

A young, bare-breasted woman is trying to enter the synagogue for Rosh Hashana services but the usher adamantly refuses to let her in. She…

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Classic joke · No. 4416

A hot Yom Kippur

Shmueli is davening in a tiny shul in Jerusalem on Yom Kippur and it is sweltering hot. There's no air conditioning, so all the…

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Classic joke · No. 4420

Personal ad: life in the fast lane

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in…

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Classic joke · No. 4435

Three yeshiva students smoking on Shabbos

Three Jeschiva students are smoking in their room, on the sabbath. Another student sees this through the window, and he alerts the Rabbi. The…

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Classic joke · No. 4451

Personal ad: lulav seeks esrog

Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must. POB 677.

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Classic joke · No. 4458

The rebbe’s vision of America

At the turn of the previous century a Chassidic Rebbe (doesn't matter which, the story is fiction) saw in a vision what was going…

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Classic joke · No. 4477

The custom of the congregation

Mr. Horowitz and Mr. Selig were arguing about whether the congregation was to sit or stand during one of the prayers when Shavuos came…

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Classic joke · No. 4488

The Jews and the Quakers

There was once a small Jewish population in an area which was dominated by Quakers. The Jews there had their own synagogue, and found…

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Classic joke · No. 4559

The voice from above on Rosh Hashanah

A Man is in shul praying as hard as he could at Rosh Hashana. From above he hears, "What do you want, Steven?" It…

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Classic joke · No. 4569

The important Jewish holidays

The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.

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Classic joke · No. 4618

The Chanukah miracle, updated

As the "learned" father passed on to his offspring . . . The Miracle of Chanukah - Updated The cellphone only had enough battery…

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Classic joke · No. 4683

Hanukkah stocking stuffers

One December, when I was assistant manager of a children's bookstore, we set up a special rack of small holiday books. Looking at a…

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Classic joke · No. 4689

A big megillah

My wife asked me if we were going to celebrate Purim, but I told her I didn't want to make a big megillah out…

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Classic joke · No. 4698

Personal ad: diamond cutter

Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both Shea and Yankee Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah. Seeking wife. POB 41.

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Classic joke · No. 4734

Flying on Yom Kippur

"If you fly from Chicago to San Francisco on Yom Kippur, and you order a kosher meal, will they bring you an empty tray?"

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Classic joke · No. 4735

Jay Leno after Yom Kippur

Jay Leno was doing his monologue Monday night after Yom Kippur. He ran into dead silence after delivering a series of lame jokes. In…

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Classic joke · No. 4736

Passover doubletalk

After eight days of eating matzoth for Passover, it feels more like UNLEAVENED or twelve days. I stopped a fellow on the street and…

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Classic joke · No. 4738

What cheese for Pesach?

What kind of cheese do you eat on Pesach? matzo-rella

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Classic joke · No. 4744

Yankel in the asylum

Yankel has finally snapped. The years of strenuous work and raising a family have gotten to him at last and he's sent to a…

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Classic joke · No. 4757

A lot of potatoes

A Jewish woman was preparing traditional Chanukah food when her Christian neighbor walked into the kitchen and saw her working with quite a quantity…

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Classic joke · No. 4766

My rebbe is better than your rebbe

Three yeshiva bochurs (boys) are talking about their rebbes, and the first one says, "My rebbe is fantastic. One Shabbes he was walking down…

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Classic joke · No. 4767

In my heart it’s Yom Kippur

It was the last few hours of Yom Kippur and two old men, Saul and Moisha are dovening for their very souls. At this…

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