Jtown Olim, as defined by the first job post aliyah.
Guest post By Ben Halper
Aroma coffee girl
Made aliyah from England or South Africa. Limited Hebrew, and not getting any better – every Arse and Dose that comes for coffee will flirt incessantly but only in English. Never took Ulpan seriously, really only showed up for the break in the middle when she hung out with the smokers outside, sipping the coffee she brewed in her room (never drinks the 2 shek instant stuff from the machine like everyone else), or adding a single word to the conversation. Lives in Baka or Katamon, hangs out on Emek, wishes she was still 18 and in sem instead of 25 and lonely.
Telemarketer
Made aliyah from America. Smokes up at night by himself when he’s not at his weekly American-only poker game. Makes more money than all other categories, but hates his job the most. Used to be at IDT until they fell apart, now bounces from one low-level telemarketing position to the next, while boasting to his fellow Olim about his tax-free American dollars. Desperately wants to get married, came to Israel because his insecurity about his lack of college education doesn’t have to come up as often in casual conversation.
Dishwasher
Made aliyah from Uruguay, Paraguay, Chile, Brazil, Argentina, Peru… you get the picture. Works 20 hours a week at El Gaucho or Vaqueiro. Picked up Hebrew faster than anyone else, mainly because his English is worse. Integrated with the other groups the best during Ulpan, but now sticks to his own people besides his anorexic Sephardi-Israeli girlfriend. Definitely not planning on staying in Israel, but loving every minute of his government-sponsored vacation.
Security Guard
Made aliyah from South Africa (guys) or Russia (girls). Is incredibly proud of their important and powerful position of frisking old women as they enter the supermarket. Only ones that got into real fights in Ulpan, usually with the South Americans for laughing too loud at night or the French for being French.
House Cleaner / Babysitter
Made aliyah from France or England. Takes care of a rich American’s house in Talpiot or one of the Ramots. Engaged to her high school sweetheart who is now in the army as a jobnik. Hardcore Dati Leumi and loathes all Charedim and Chilonim. Still finds Thursday night on Ben Yehudah to be super fascinating.
Unemployed
Made aliyah from America, Germany, or Australia. Between 23 and 27 and still living off daddy’s kesef. Drinks XL and Vodka 4 nights a week on a bench somewhere in Merkaz Ha’ir, though not in Ben Yehudah anymore after his tough guy posturing got him slashed by a Neve kid / arse / Arab. Always talks about moving to Tel Aviv “where the real crazy shit goes down yo” but never has the balls to make the move. Will either end up back home in his parents house in a year, or addicted to smack when he finally makes it to the promised land of Kikar Rabin.
Nice post, bro!
There are always Madricha positions ;).
xoxoxoxo,
C
Hilarious, but too short! Need more!!!
Live in Israel long enough, and get a tour guide license. Use the position to encourage more olim.
very good
Dirvoced Women’s Rights Activist
Kid That Asks The Stupidist Questions
Non-Religious Safardi Guy
40 Year Old “Rediscovering Life”(usually after experiancing some dramatic life changing event)
Token Hippie Guy who is “sick and tired of american capitolism and consumerism”(it’s always the same line)
The “Smart Guy”(who is really not sure he wants to make aliyah until he reads all the fine print of all the paperwork and knows about every single benefit,and is always asking questions like”well whats the catch?”or “Is that free?” or “how much does that cost?”)
Is Used To Be Yeshivish But Now I Am A Modern Orthodox Tzioni(usually has a story that goes something along the lines of”Yeshivish people are closed minded,undereducated and have no people skills. Oh and by the way, I can prove my Rosh Yeshiva is an Apikores D’oraysah because he does not believe in the state of Israel(usually will bring that famous Medrash about “not living in Israel”))
Bible Belt Ger(wath out the guys are rednecks.You can take the Goy out of the redneck but you can’t take the redneck out of the goy.)
Bob Marley Carlebachian(usually says thing like”just relax man”when you discover that your bed isi nfested with cockroach or when the sherut just ripped you off 100 shrek.And your like”If I had what your smoking I’d also be relaxed, but I’d also be in jail”
Haha, brilliant! Excellent guest post!
Favorite part was “Desperately wants to get married, came to Israel because his insecurity about his lack of college education doesn’t have to come up as often in casual conversation. sooooo sad, but true! and Definitely not planning on staying in Israel, but loving every minute of his government-sponsored vacation. hahahah good way to put it!
BS, the title is Judging Olim by the first job they take. Not generic random Anglo personalities you meet in Israel. But thanks for the suggestions, they were all extraordinarily witty / insightful / clever / insert random tongue-in-cheek condescending adjective.
Bsamim Smoker, for some reason I am picturing all of these personalities as guest columnists in The Onion.
Well, that is sure a totally different perspective than I have formed until now for immigrant first jobs. I work at Israemploy (www.israemploy.net) an organization that assists new and veteran immigrants find work in Israel. I also write the blog: http://www.jobsearchinisrael.blogspot.com/. Until now, I have always considered and advised immigrants to use the first job as a stepping stone to where they ultimately want to land even if it is not their employment objective. You can’t get a second job without a first job… So, a jobs that gives you some Israeli work experience, local recommendations, helps you improve your Hebrew skills, earn some money, make some connections, all of these are of value. After reading this article, I may have to re-consider my thought process :>)